Lamprey

Insert Incredible Mr. Limpet joke here.

There's no point. There's just no point! And other things I've said about my penis.

Let's have a warm round of applause for all the dyslexics out there who tirelessly correct other people's typos without even realizing it.

Pakistan, Kurdistan, Afghanistan, Honk If You're Stan. That's today's Geography on the Go!

A market crash is coming like this country's never seen, but I'll be sitting pretty in my castle made of solid reddit gold.

Big shout-out to all the peeps: marshmallow, orange creme, human bones and teeth!

Listen, H.G. Wells, enough with all the time machine delays...I'll expect a full report on my desk first thing in the morning...FIVE HUNDRED YEARS AGO!

Okay, kids, we're going into the tunnel. Hold your breath until you hear The Wolf Dead!

I don't think I'm appreciated around here. I said, I don't think I'm appreciated around here! I SAID, I'M THINK DON'T APPERSHIATE ROUND THESE HYAR PARTS!

Now show me on your body exactly where the nice man touched your little dolly.

Forget it, Jake, it's owl costumes all the way down.

It's a full-on, face-melting, balls-to-the-wall trifle...but a trifle nonetheless.

Sequels Suck! Brought to you by Sequels Suck 2!

O tiny dog with the voice of a full grown man, Teach us to love and not to love. Also don't poop in the house. Thanks in advance!

What's round on the ends and high in the middle? Ohio. What's hi on the ends and round in the middle? Hiohi. What's high on one end, round in the middle, and round on the other end too? Hioo. Bonus points if you can name the state capital of each.

Everything's bitchin', I'm havin' a tubular day, and I'm totally stoked to be gettin' enough iodine in my diet!

I'm not crying. These are just tear-shaped jellyfish.

Two Springs forward, three Falls back. I still haven't paid off the interest on last year's Daylight Saving Time!

Nature abhors a vacuum. It all goes back to that time Herbert Hoover poisoned a lake.

I don't use the word "genius" lightly, but whoever came up with the idea of watching where you're going? Genius! That guy came up with a lot of other genius things too.

Blistering guitar solos are the opposite of ointment to my ears. Let me discourage the application of an ungent as ungentlemanly.

Here comes the first robin of spring! Oh wait, it's the tax man in a chicken suit!

I scream, you scream, we all scream for the worms are boring their way out of our stomachs after that parasite sundae we enjoyed earlier.

Subscribe to SHARTS ILLUSTRATED if you must, but please, at all costs avoid the Swimsuit Issue.

Look, we're solid waste specialists, we've got years of expertise, and we put in the winning bid. So that turd belongs in OUR toilet!