Lamprey

It's the unlikely story of a Dwarf and The Devil. I'm sorry, I meant to say the story of a person of small stature, and a theologically challenged demonic entity. But I'm afraid we still call their child Devil-Dwarf.

When you say jump, we say how about filling out this agreement to cover our medical bills should we sustain any injuries?

I might have to duck out to take a call, but the closed circuit smell-cam is on, so don't think you can fart and get away with it.

Fresh milk ...I'll explain your culture ...all purpose flour ...what about MY feelings? ...SWEET CREAMERY BUTTER! That's White Sauce Privilege Bingo!

I pitied myself as a pocketless pocket-pool player, until I met a pants-wearing man who lacked genitals.

Marmalade is my jam, yo. Although I could get in trouble with the jam industry for saying that. There's a subtle distinction, yo.

"Goodnight, sweet ladies!" That's what I say to my dollies. Because if I had to call them each by name, it would take all night.

Camptown ladies sing this song, and are charged an exorbitant royalty fee.

If there's a gun above the mantle in Act One, it must be fired by Act Three. If there's no gun above the mantle, complain to the manager that you didn't pay for dinner and a babysitter just to have your God-given Second Amendment constitutional rights trampled by a bunch of artsy fartsy leftwing thespian types.

Well wouldn't ya just know it? Not if you're a moron.

Shit the bed? Flip the mattress! Helpful Hints from Heloise.

Today's episode secretly brought to you by the Ulterior Motive Warehouse.

Whatever horrible tragedy may strike me in my life, I know I will always deserve it for giving that Ancient Alien Theorist five minutes of fair, unbiased consideration.

Sorry for that thing just now. It'll never happen again. ... Whoa, deja vu!

While it is legal to get stoned in the Mile High City, many people forget to add 15 minutes to their baking time.

Does this Tumblr make my ass look big?

Outside every fat person is a skinny person screaming to get in.

A rising tide lifts all scrotes.

In the market for monocles but lack the lucre? Buy a pair of eyeglasses and break 'em in half. Remember to share with a friend--or with your other eye. This helpful tip brought to you by your friends at Discount Eyeholes.

Hubba hubba, va-va-voom, be still my beating heart. And if you won't, there's a dozen more where you came from, so don't push your luck.

We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun. The next thing you know, we're vampires.

Look, ma, no Hans, no Christian, and definitely no Anderson!

The following program will be simulcast in audio sign language since we are advised that Coco is listening. Not Koko the gorilla but Coco Chanel. We have to spell things out verrrrrry slowly for her, since she is dead.

Spin the axolotl and prepare to suck face. Slimy, endangered, amphibious face.

As a wise man once said: don't listen to that other wise man over there, listen only to me.