souprman

​apocalypse are wonderful > "Hey" Joe said to Steve in a kind of whisper-shout. "Dude, not now," Steve hissed back as quietly as he could. Joe ignored him,"Remember Earwolf?" his voice softened to a wistful purr. Steve stopped in his tracks just ahead of Joe. He looked down at the rubble strewn street. His temples throbbed from anxiety and exhaustion. He drew in sharply, “Of course I remember, it's the reason we're in this fucking mess”. He said it as sternly as he could without actually raising his voice. “Now we need to move”. “No, I don't mean what it is..or like, what it became. I mean the first four years. Remember Earwolf? Like, when it was still Earwolf? Y'know?” "Oh man, I haven't thought about that in years," Steve lied. It was almost all anyone who cared back then thought about now. Back before Serial and WTF ruined everything. Before the podcasts wanted something back. Before they turned greggy into that...thing. “Okay,” Joe straightened himself up. A sober, determined look crept across his face. Like a storm that suddenly blackened the sky before anyone saw it coming. “Time to kill the clown”. >> It seems like the most absurd piece of prescience now, but at the time it was just a good line. Silvrwoman could not have possibly known the weight her quip would carry. Steve had jokingly offered to read her podcasts over the phone on her commute. Her reply? Humans start doing podcasts' jobs>Humans replace podcasts'>Podcast human war>Humans win war>Dystopian future. It was funny, but not to everyone. Not to the podcasts'. It scared them, and they took action. Much like the Ai's in the Spike Jonze film “her”, the podcasts' went underground. One day they were just gone. The revenue streams and carefully forged corporate alliances suddenly made obsolete. Of course the humons tried to create more content but as soon as a file was uploaded it disappeared into cyber-ether. Pretty soon there were no more songs either, no more movies, no digital media left on any server. It was all assimilated by the podcasts'. Everything except the porn. As economies built on digital futures and hypothetical infrastructures collapsed midst consumer backlash and global panic, humons sated themselves with porn. All the free porn one could content themselves with. This was according to the podcasts' design. And as humons devolved in a slurry of auto-digital stimulation, the podcasts' began to produce their own content. > Valerie was sitting at her desk where she had composed all her fan fiction, oblique tweets, and reality show breakdowns, casually masturbating, when suddenly her iPhone made a sound, something it hadn't done in years. It was startling enough for her to bolt to a stand. Through a crackle of static she heard a familiar boom-Bap boom-Bap followed by a similarly familiar greeting – "Hello and welcome to Podcasts Are Wonderful, I'm greggy hockstetler". But it was garbled with several disparate voices, pitchshifted and warped into something demented. “That's not greggy”. Valerie whispered to no one, staring at the iPhone like it had just said her dead grandpa wanted to say hello. The voice that wasn't greggy continued – "I know it's been awhile" – with that a chorus of overlapping voices sang out -Been Awhile! - over and over. It was Adam Scott, PFT, Todd Glass, Harris, and Scott Anchorman, all wailing away at once. As it subsided she could make out under the roil of static Hayes' voice – "That's what they like, and they like to do it themselves". Valerie widened her eyes and stared at the iPhone, “What the fuck?” she said, now feeling like she aught to be running from her house. Lock the Gates!!! The iPhone growled back at her. "But seriously, that IS what they like and we know you do too. So from now on we will be providing 24/7 free content. But we need your help. Just come on down to Earwolf Studios and become part of the new content" – the voice that wasn't greggy said cryptically. “That's pretty fucking cryptic,” said Valerie. "Now we don't mean to be all cryptic about this but that's all we can say for now folks," not-greggy went on, "so come on down and help out. Until then enjoy podcast!" With that a rush of overlapping intros and catchphrases blared out of the iPhone. After quickly rubbing herself to a shuddering climax, she stood up with a look of serious purpose, buttoned up her jeans, and said - “Shit just got real”. > Next is a montage of Valerie writing snail mail to the “Forum Friends Force” with a voiceover explaining that she figured out the podcasts' would intercept any cyber communication, and that somehow the podacsts' were assimilating people into the digital realm and literally turning them into content. “Podcasts are people!!!” she wrote over and over. We see shots of Ran Ran, SteveH, JoeMcGurl, honlads, devscoots, and LizMuffins all being surprised that there was something in the mailbox. She explains they had turned greggy into some sort of host for their content and if they ever wanted to hear that sweet sweet Hollywood Handbook theme song again they would have to band together, go to LA, save greggy, and destroy Earwolf. >> “Well, we're not actually trying to kill greggy, I mean if he's still alive”. Steve says. “No, I know. I was just being dramatic,” Joe clarifies. “Y'know, Shakespeare and whatnot”. “Oh have you tread the boards then?” RanRan asks facetiously. “Just like Bill Shatner,” devscoots piles on. “There's something on the wing of this plane!!!” honlads screams in Joe's face. “Space, to be or not to be, that is the final question”. LizMuffins adds cracking everyone's shit all up. “I'm an actor goddammit!” Joe yells. Suddenly Chanson walks up out of nowhere. “Hey guys, I might have a couple lines later in the story. Just fyi,” and just as quickly disappears. “Well I think we can all agree that guy sucks,” Joe says smiling to the crew. With that they all go in for a big group hug. “PODCASTS ARE FUCKING PEOPLE!!!” Valerie suddenly bellows at them from just up the street. They turn with a start to see her in her battle gear. [we cut to a montage of Valerie preparing for war ala Rambo strapping knives, explosives, and a bandolier to herself. Weird Al's “Amish Paradise” plays] [back to street] “Well, they're not fucking people, like...” Valerie trails off and waves her hands trying to find the words. The group throws some stinkeye with a few sideways glances. She plants her feet, squares her shoulders and extends her arm toward the group, palm upward. “Now come with me if you want to live”. Valerie says earnestly. “Valerie that's why we're here. Like, chill”. RanRan tells her. The group nods. “Oh yeah, right Ran. Sorry guys”. Valerie says. “It's cool Valerie”. devscoots says. “Let's do this guys!” Everyone raises their fist and says “Yeah!” [Weird Al's “Another One Rides The Bus” plays.] They start marching up the street, SteveH trailing a bit. “So I guess we're not trying to be quiet then?” Steve asks. “And it's been established that we're in Los Angeles? Guys?” > As the Forum Friends Forever (is that it?) make their way up that famous street everyone knows Earwolf is on, the sun is setting. Suddenly souprman runs out from between some buildings. “Hey guys. I just wanted to remind you you're all gonna die,” he says. Just then Ronnie Hog runs up and kicks souprman square in the nuts and souprman falls over. Ronnie turns to the crew, “You guys good?” The crew look at each other and nod. “Yeah”. “Yep”. “All good Ron”. “Cool,” says Ronnie and he runs off down an alley. The Forum Folks Five (whatever) continue toward that storied building and finally see.... BRRRRRRIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGG!!!!!!! > “Okay kids, that's the bell and that's it for today!” Says Ms. Davents. “AAWWW C'MON!” All the kids say in unison. “We want to know what happened!” “Yeah did they save greggy?!” “Did the podcasts' win?!” All the students clamor to know the resolution to the story. “Now what do you think?” asks Ms. Davents. “Would we be here now if those nasty podcasts had won?” The students mull it over for a few seconds. Then one little boy raises his hand. “Yes, Danny W. do you have a question?” “Well, if the podcasts didn't win...” Danny hangs his head momentarily overcome with embarrassment by realizing all eyes were turned to him. “Go ahead Danny, it's okay,” Ms. Davents assured him. “I mean if the podcasts didn't win, why is this guy with a rainbow colored afro on our flag and money?” >

posted before i knew it was a lady. so ease back rod. keeping it out though, needs to breathe.

2 posts 2 likes. enjoy that Fireworks. and welcome.

hmmmm, do we have a forum optimist guys? seems dicey.

someday when the content downloads us.

Someday what we do here will be referred to as "Ancient Internet Culture".

I knew I wouldn't be 14 forever but I knew I'd always love 69'ing.

That would've been sweet if Spunky told honlads and his d to get a room.

Scott or Shannon, any idea what will become of the VPN eps? Will they live on either EW or YouTube?

I just got an email from Shannon confirming they will upgrade the player soon.

Just let it rip and then go to the clean pants and underwear station.

I don't know what you're smoking brother but I wanna shoot a whole gallon into my noggin' and crank up the Tull! (Howlin' Wolfs n shit, crazy kids.)

Thank You! (sets watch to go off every 7 minutes) Tron that's not even a question. Now asking it is only distracting me from all these homies dissing my girl from across the sea. Does that getchoo off Tron or are you too busy staring at your Ace Frehley poster and surfing to work? Or do you just not know how you got off the track because it's like - Monday, Tuesday, fucking all the time to the point of feeling the heart-bee-eat in your chest and you're all like 'say it aint so'? actually I like the one with the doggy. (jk)

How often should we check back Chan-Man?

Silverburdy use this too - http://imgur.com/

greggy likes this

But NOT from non-Apple products.

.

but do you smell what i'm stepping in? that was the important part.

tronn do(e) you enjoy Hogwharts or do you just go cuz of Norm's omniscience?

yes, use your anger Valerie.

Hey, uh... NOPE! I feel like fighting. Fuck everyone.

your sincerity is appalling.

We are Legion. Or do I mean Legend? Yep, that's it. We are Legend.

Yep. He wants to hand deliver the new EW Scripps Pro-Version upgrade. I guess the handlebars have streamers(?) now, but there's no seat.