The World Famous Bardi Twins

A stitch in time saves nine, but a rip in space/time creates a parallel universe.

God created Adam and Eve, not Adam Ant and Everclear, performing Sunday on the side stage at Coachella.

When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back. When you touch your nose, the abyss touches its nose. When you wave your right hand, the abyss waves its left. The abyss is taking an improv class.

I scream, you scream, we all scream all the time for no reason. The neighbors are complaining.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Give a man a deadly fugu fish, and he eats for the rest of his life.

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Unless it's a really big fish and and he has a refrigerator, in which case he'll eat for 3 days.

Why marry the cow, when you can have sex with a jug of milk for free?

What can ye do with a drunken sailor? Get him in a treatment program and offer him emotional support.

If the van's a-rockin' don't come knockin', at least not without a warrant, unless it's a no-knock warrant.

Sorry, I stopped listening after you said "please pay attention, your life depends on it."

If killing is an art...then so is pottery.

If wishes were mustaches, then beggars would ride.

Here I sit all broken hearted. Came to shit but my wife left me for another man.

One if by land, two if by sea, three if by helicopter, four if by train...actually, you may want to have a seat. We have a lot of these to get through.

Why do we park and have sex in a driveway, yet drive with a blood alcohol level of .2 on the parkway?

Being adrift in a lifeboat really gives you time to ponder your true priorities in life. It turns out that "not dying of thirst" ranks pretty high.

I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I just shit myself.

"Why pay to marry a cow when you can have sex with a jug of milk for free?"

"If shame was a zucchini, I'm a zoodle. Because I'm really spiraling here!"

"For All Mankind? More like For DULL Mankind. This is the most boring moon landing ever."