The Mohel-velous Mr. Mazel Tov

It's July 1st - so fuck you, Dads and Grads - and Happy National Postal Worker and US Postage Stamp Day! Celebrate by circumventing the system and using Stamps.com!

If ifs and buts were candies and nuts, I would be dead because I'm a diabetic with a terrible nut allergy.

If a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, then bend over, my dear, and take one in the tush.

Not sure what to do about those tossed salads and scrambled eggs that are callin' again? Easy - put them on the blocked call list, ya dumb doy-doy!

If ifs and buts were candies and nuts I would be dead because I'm a diabetic with a terrible nut allergy.

Attend the tale of Buddy V. That Cake Boss guy from TLC. He works all day and works all night, Then helps people out with his second sight. He uses fondant and dragees, To make his cakes, That guido baker named Cake Boss!

A-tisket a-tasket, put that lotion in the basket, baby!

To pee or not to pee: that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the...whoops, I just pooped myself.

The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain; and the cum in my bum stays up there with my thumb!

By all means, you can go ahead and jump for Joy, but I am not doing anything for that old bitch!

Seattle! Really excited about this one. Wait. One...One Washington Lane. The next clue is at the Space Needle!

No, I will not jump for Joy...that bitch can't tell me what to do.

​Not sure what to do about those tossed salads and scrambled eggs that are callin again? Easy - put them on the blocked call list, ya dumb doy-doy!

​Happy National Missing Children's Day, everyone! Do you know where your children are? If you are here, God only knows what your offspring are like and where they are right now...welcome to Comedy Bang Bang!

I visited Seattle Grace Hospital today. They swiftly called the police when I asked to take a peek at Grey's anatomy.

Glad to be in Chicago, where they have perfected the art of putting together two of my favorite things - deep dishes and pizza!

I stepped off the plane today and got swarmed by a bunch of Common Loons. Oh no, I meant your state bird...whew, got out of that one.

Did everyone have a good National HIV Vaccine Awareness Day yesterday? I did. Since I won't see you tomorrow, I'm wishing you a happy National Be a Millionaire Day tomorrow - or as I like to call it, National Denial Day...

I'm going to take you to The Edge and back...but first I need to find Bono.

Austin Texas! Or as I like to call it - Sex Taint USA!

Please don't tell Bob how to get, how to get to Sesame Street. He has a puppet fetish...

Austin! Capital of Texas, motherfuckers! Also home to your penis-wrinkle of a Governor, Greg Abbott, and hometown of former child actor Angus T. Jones...so...yeah, you can't win them all.

I am so proud of myself. You see, I saw this homeless cat outside the theatre on our way in for the show tonight. It was looking for a good home and I remembered my Mom saying she wanted a pet. So I did the best thing anyone could've done for that cat. I trapped it, wrapped it in bubble wrap and shipped it to my Mom in a box...the size of a mini-fridge. Where was I? Oh yeah, buy Leesa mattresses. They'll be happy with that plug.

The Austin music scene has inspired me to announce my upcoming debut single featuring friend of the show Jason Mantzoukas. It's the sequel to Sisqo's late 90s hit..."Hey Nong Song!" Hey Nong, Na-Nong Nong Nong!!!

If ifs and buts were candies and nuts, I would be dead because I'm a diabetic with a terrible nut allergy.