AshleyChupp

I read a comprehensive and encyclopedic oral history of Weird Twitter and now I can't stop #trolling #brands pls send help lmao @earwolf all ur podcasts are actually bees and scutt angkorwat wears diapers (i don't know whats happening i'm serious help me)

@Clem Dawg @Hayzie Bone Todd Glass says he will probably be on ur show if u ask him.

I got called Chupacabra all the time in high school and that would make sense if you knew my last name but you don't. Oh and also if you knew that I suck blood from goats.

I wish wargen's post was on tinder so I could swipe "superlike" respect, my brother only jackal is allowed to call me "ash" though so please edit in the second half of my name, thanks.

Hey Steve I never heard back from you about that nanny position. Did you not get the last seventeen copies of my resume I faxed to you? I'll send another three over just in case. Kevin O'Brien and Chanson are my references, so just DM them. I'm available for an interview any time so long as you pay for my transportation/five-star lodging and you let me join in for family dinner. Hope to hear from you soon! PS- Ashley can be a boy name, but it might become a problem if I get confused and think I'm telling myself to shut the fuck up and take a god damn nap already. So maybe go with a nice, distinguished name like Heineken Mephistopheles instead.

Hey guys I actually like you all a lot. unironically. just wanted to say that and also shut up i'm not drunk what are you my therapist? if anyone feels sad or lonely i hope you know that i am your friend and you can talk to me and i will never get tired of validating you cause reminding my friends how awesome they are is honestly my favorite thing to do. Samara will come back when we earn her back. we don't deserve her amazing, one of a kind, envelope-pushing original content and her unconditional support of all our posts, and i think we all know that. Good posts today, and keep up the good work, friends. I'm housesitting for some rich people later this month if anyone wanna come over and throw a rager or even just chill with some wine and like cook a meal together or some shit. if you ever get tired of texting jeffrey, you can text me instead. 7573777507 i will never regret this post.

Dear Diary, This morning when I woke up face down in a pile of pita chip crumbs to the sour smell of the cup of spoiled orange juice on my nightstand, I felt Very Bad. #EpicFail! Fortunately, there is new Hollywood Handbook today! When I remembered that, I felt Happy. You know something, Diary? DC Pierson has an incredibly sharp and specific type of phrasing and it caught me off guard and cracked me up several times this episode. I mean... to say something like, "a Jackson Pollock of different flavors of Jolly Rancher" or "I think you were agnostic about whether or not you were inside a TV right now" AND to have come up with it in the moment? On the fly? That is an uncommon and admirable skill, in my opinion. Brett is a seriously incredibly good improviser!! He somehow manages to make perfect sense of every bizarre idea thrown at him. When I hear Brett do improv, I feel Impressed. This is a huge secret, Diary, but I really miss Sean! Hayes is so wonderful, don't get me wrong. His talent for pinpointing and facilitating the development of those easily-overlooked moments with huge comedic potential that would go unnoticed by 90% of comedians is what really makes this show so unique. But still. I miss Sean! I hope next week he comes back. When I think about how long it's been since I've heard Sean on Hollywood Handbook, I feel Super Sad. PS- Diary, I knew that thing about Bun B because in a remix of the Beyonce song "***Flawless", there is one easily missed line where she mentions she is "Texas forever like Bun B" and even though I still don't actually know who Bun B is, I can pretend I actually know what I'm talking about here! Hurray! Also, this is the third unrelated time this week I have heard someone talk about this Bun B person. Is this a sign from The Universe? Probably! I am going to go check my horoscope right now for more guidance. Love you forever, Diary!!! xoxoxo, AshLeigh

youngrose, wanna come over and paint each other's nails tonight? I haven't seen Pitch Perfect 2 yet so we could watch that if you want. Plus my guy just hooked me up with some PCP and huffing glue (made with artificial horse cause I'm vegan which is the first thing you should know about me. I talk about it all the time.) Should be fun. My work break is almost over so I can't check my phone for your answer. Just shoot off your flare gun once for yes or flash your bat signal twice for no. If yes, I'll then send you my address via morse code by shining my laser pen in your direction. (And please don't tell Silvrwoman I'm not actually sick with a hardcore case of antelope flu. If she asks what you're doing tonight just say you're going ice fishing and by the time she's finished explaining the different kinds of saws you can use to cut ice holes, you'll be long gone.)

Initiate Voice Command Private Message @Dairy Pillows Sup, gurrrl? Thanks for discreetly sending that bikini shot to my inbox. I think your boobs look amazing, to be honest! Good thing you didn't post it on the public forum. Can you even imagine how AWKwardddd that would have been? lol. I was just wondering if you wanted to help me pick out some new lingerie? I'll PM you some pics, just let me know what you think. Love, Ashley Submit Post

N O .

I wish y'all would STOP texting me lmao. I don't know how my ego is supposed to handle all this validation. Plus mom said that next time I go over the family limit, I have to pay the phone bill. PS thanks for discreetly sending my approval to my inbox, Dairy Pillows. Would have been sooooo embarrassing for all these guys to have seen it, lol. Can you even imagine?

I can't beliebe you would bring up Usher to me after he left me for that little tart Justin. I can't rihlieve you would bring up Rihanna to me after she left me for that utter piece of shit Chris Brown.

I walked into this bumpin party (read: my shitty bedroom) and IMMEDIATELY locked eyes with this total hottie. Turns out I didn't even have to find something funny to kiss! I found the real deal! I met my true love tonight, and it is my roommate's e-cig that she doesn't know I stole from the kitchen. I can't wait to see where this relationship leads in 2016. Sorry you guys couldn't come to this dope ass party (read: my shitty bedroom) but the only person who was invited was Thundercock69, and he didn't even show up. So rude. But don't worry I'm not lonely and way too drunk at all I feel great and I'm having a great time. lmao happy new year, everyone!!!

My top five best friends of 2015 1. My very best friend Jeffrey who is so nice and cool and funny. 2. N/A 3. N/A 4. N/A 5. N/A Edit: WHAT JEFFREY JEFFREY NO

Once again, I am ending the year completely single and without even a sole romantic prospect. I have chosen this for myself so I that won't be distracted from my important work in the comedy podcast forum post industry. It's not at all because of my average looks, terrible personality and shockingly unrealistic standards, so tell whoever told you that to fuck off, Mom. I'm very happy about all of this, but I have one huge problem haunting me as I face the transition into the New Year: I can't think of anything funny to kiss at midnight. My drink? No, that's been done too many times before. I'm a comedy trailblazer if I am anything. But you know that, you've read my posts. A really nice-looking wall? That could be funny, but if I'm standing by a wall I will be at the edges of the party instead of in the center where everyone can see how funny I'm being. I never stand anywhere but the direct epicenter of a party, as would you if you were a true Diva and Comedienne like me. A random, unsuspecting girl? Yes, I agree that sexual assault is absolutely hilarious, and can you IMAGINE how viral the gifs of that moment would go? lmao, this is a good one for sure, but I have a confession to make and that is that I actually didn't get invited to a party after all so I'm just going to be playing Fallout 4 alone in my bedroom and there aren't going to be any girls there besides me. Myself? Now this is funny and interesting, but I'm just really scared that my mouth might slip and I might end up kissing my elbow and turn into a boy. I don't think I could handle the hit to my Forum Likes Ratio. My PS4 controller? Yes, I'm a girl. Yes, I play video games. Yes, I do it wearing my underwear in a sexy pose the whole time. But I do it for ME. Not to be funny. When a Hot Nerd Girl puts her mouth on video game equipment, that's a special and private thing. A picture of someone? This could be hilarious cause I could find a picture of a really hot person like Michael Fassbender or Kristen Stewart and then make it look like I'm kissing them. Definitely pushing the envelope, but I just don't think this is edgy enough for me. The Christmas tree I haven't taken down yet? Another killer idea, but I think this idea is just too high-concept and too alt for the public to handle. One day, society will be ready for jokes like this, but today is decidedly not that day. If anyone has any suggestions for what funny things I can kiss tonight, please message me. I'm starting to genuinely worry I won't solve this in time. PS- please ignore the context of the other posts about kissing things at midnight. It took me a while to write this, but when I started, I was the first one to talk about midnight kissing, and this post still deserves to be treated like the First Midnight Kissing Post. Thank you.

"Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is." -Carl Jung I'm worried about Norm.

"The Hollywood Handbook podcast only sold 30,000 copies in its first five years, but everyone who bought one formed a funny podcast." -Brian Eno for Splitsider, on Hollywood Handbook's dedicated fanbase

Upsetting to see you on the forums right now when you should be using this time to pray fervently that this child is a healthy son and proper heir to my estate. I mean seriously SEVEN worthless daughters in a row? I'm not convinced you aren't doing this on purpose.

Jeffrey, I know I said I could hang out today but I actually got called into work instead. Sorry! Are you free tomorrow? I'm off all day, just hit me up. Also just wondering did I make it home safe from my flight last night?

Hi Kevin I'm stuck at the airport for four hours and your latest podcast episode only clocks in at one hour and fifteen minutes??? What do you plan to do about this?? And before you tell me to listen to the other episodes of your show, I've already done that so TRY AGAIN. I can't believe I have to spend two hours and forty-five minutes NOT laughing a lot and being entertained. Absurd. one star.

Wow guys I got a new computer that isn't a piece of shit for Christmas! Isn't that amazing? I just downloaded Photoshop, and I'm learning how to use it! I'm a little lost to be honest, but over all it's going really well, and I'm feeling great about it. Someone tell Dixon he may want to start looking for a new "thing" to do around here. In completely unrelated news, I was out poppin' bottles in tha club with all my best pals the other night, and I took this dope pic I thought I'd share since people have been dropping selfies lately.

I hope everyone has the loveliest time celebrating Santa's 2015th birthday today. And if anyone isn't celebrating it, I hope they burn in hell where they belong. But not until after they have a really fantastic day. Here's a picture of me opening my presents just now. Great haul this year!