AshleyChupp

I just found this in my family's refrigerator. What is happening? please send help. I think Chanson might be stuck.

Wouldn't it be feminist and progressive and so edgy of us if a WOMAN was named the next #1 Handsome Boy? Im not saying anything yet I'm just saying it is something to start thinking about. Edit: Remember this post. It just ended sexism.

I too changed my name earlier today because I am sick of jokes and humor but you don't see me making a whole big thing about it and that's cause I have RESPECT and HUMILITY and not at all because I didn't think of a good thing to say. Smh.

I can't wait until I die in a tragic terrorism accident and you all realize that you actually DID think I was funny and nice and attractive but now it's too late and you never confessed your love for me when you had the chance and it haunts you for the rest of your days. It will be so nice to get the last laugh. In fact, if you are realizing your feelings for me right now, and you feel compelled to pour your heart out, please actually DON'T so that I can enjoy my death that much more. If something nice were to happen to me in my life or if I were to develop a meaningful relationship with someone, it would make my inevitable fatality kind of a bummer actually. And no one wants that. Anyway, should I be concerned that Jeffrey somehow knows I am alive and safe?

I'm posting FROM THE SKY in an AIRPLANE and also I'm INCREDIBLY DRUNK. Technology is amazing!!!!!!! What's UP guys? Here is a fun game you can play if you are incredibly drunk on an airplane!! I didn't make it up, one of my friends did and i don't remember which one, sorry!! It's a game where you make up catchphrases for the Hulk. It's fun. Here are some I came up with just now: (the flight attendant is sitting RIGHT next to me and can probably read this. Sup, girl? You cute, just sayin:] "The name Hulk. Incredible Hulk." "Hell yeah, brother." (To the tune of Love Shack) "Hulk smash! Baby, Hulk smash!" "Hulk her? I hardly know her!" "Hulk on, Wayne" "What up what up?" EDIT: I am now sober and on the ground and I do not regret this post even a little so don't ask me if I do cause I DON'T.

Man, Why are you stealing my patented Acrostic Bit? Now I can never do another acrostic as long as I live!

As Silvrwoman's very best friend and sometimes comedic collaborator, I am beyond honored to accept my half of her pro version. Never has a pro version been so deserved. Congratulations to me and also a huge thank you to me. I never could have done it without the support of my natural hilarity and the encouragement of my amazing personality. Peace be with all of you and with myself, mostly. What a joyous day.

If Scott Aukerman knew the first thing about me, he would know I've never heard Hollywood Handbook in my life, and I only post here for attention.

I see that my dearest friend and closest confidant Thundercock69 is doing his best to make me regret writing him that nice poem. Well guess what buddy? It's never going to work! I will always stand by the nice things I said! So. You know. You could stop trying, probably. If you want.

I would like to clarify that my "like" on Silvr's Blade Runner post should not be construed as an endorsement of her reprehensible opinion on such a triumphant masterpiece of cinema. It's just that she gave me an incredibly thoughtful and heartwarming Christmas gift so I'm kind of obligated to like all of her posts now. Actually, you know what? It is becoming increasingly evident to me as I think about all of this that Silvr only gave me a collection of items that surely took quite an amount of time and mental labor to come up with and subsequently obtain (along with a card so thoughtful and kind it made me cry) so that she could make a post slandering one of my favorite films of all time and I would be forced to "like" it. In fact, it is now clear to me that what I thought was a deep and influential friendship built on sincerity and mutual admiration was just an elaborate con by Silvr to humiliate me in front of all my forums heroes. I can't believe I actually became a better, kinder person who now actively tries to see the best in others instead of instinctively mistrusting everyone's motives due to her influence. That's egg on my face. Which is doubly bad for me because I don't partake of animal products. It breaks my heart to have to bid this (apparently false) friendship a permanent good bye after all the (apparently false) inspiration and reassurance it has given me. But I must protect myself against soulless manipulators like Silvrwoman who will prey on my sensitive, loving nature just for kicks. And so I leave you all with this final monologue: Silvr and I, we've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Incredible, ground-breaking forums posts off the shoulder of Orion. We created fake podcast pilots together in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.

T his acrostic is for Thundercock69. H is favorite podcast is not Hollywood Handbook. U psetting I know, but I still have hope he will see the light. N ot from the US, and yet he is more American than any of us. D oubt me? Just observe the way he gives no fucks. E ach of us secretly wishes to be so unburdened by social norms. R IP Harris Wittels, his hero, and mine as well. C ool when he says something nice or funny. I like that. O h man when Thundercock69 says something nice or funny? C ount me in! K eep chillin', friend. 6 is a pretty good number and I like it. 9 I'm actually not a fan of. It seems like it would be a real asshole. Merry holiday, buddy.

H ey, do you guys know what today is? A w shit! It's (aaaa)annie's birthday! P eople! Stop what you're doing and listen! P hotoshop is not one of my skills, so this is what Annie gets. Y 'all better recognize the importance of this day. B oy is Annie a good friend to have. I t's really nice to have her as a pal, I gotta say. R ainy days don't seem so bad when Annie is your friend. T rue, true. H ow did I make it through life before I knew Annie? D amn. A world without Annie's supportive warmth is a world I don't wanna see. Y ou guys, I think Annie is really funny and kind and cool. A lways N ever N ot I ncredibly E xtraordinary

It's just like my dear old mum used to say: "If you can't say something nice, say something unnecessary and rude on a forum for a comedy podcast about someone who is not around to defend themselves." She said that all the time before she died. She fell off a cruise ship on its way to Jamaica and then drowned in the ocean when no one came to her rescue because she had dissed all the medics and lifeguards in the How Did This Get Made forums.

What the FUCK? You're telling me I just spent $65 and six hours on an overnight bus to Philly and HE'S NOT EVEN HERE? I've been waiting for hours, quivering in anticipation the WHOLE TIME. (Or actually maybe just shivering because I forgot to bring a coat in my excitement.) I am FURIOUS, do you hear me? I don't have enough money left for a ticket back to Pittsburgh, and if I miss one more day of work, I'm going to get fired. I'm completely screwed, and NOT AT ALL IN THE LITERAL SENSE. You got me into this mess, Kevin O'Brien, and I expect you to be the one to get me home. I'll be waiting by the Liberty Bell. If anyone asks, it always had two cracks.

K.

My therapist was right, and I'm sorry I ever doubted him. Bye.

I told my therapist about you guys. He says I should stop posting here.

All this time I've been depressed about being single and utterly without prospects... all because I didn't know that jerking off onto a car actually IS a relationship. Wow this has changed my life! Jeffrey, can you tell your car to get on Facebook so I can update my relationship status?

We're not the ones who hired him, Brett. I'm just joshin ya buddy nice work on i4h this week. I've been telling everyone you killed it.

Lots of refs and shout outs to our sweet boys and their funny show on i4h today if anyone doesn't know yet! So many refs and shouts it's like a friggin sports game! Listen, spread the word, etc. It's a good ep, too. Almost as good as a Hollywood Handbook ep unless you are Thundercock69 in which case I have no idea how your brain works.

Somebody drop a beat before i lose my shit. (Oh shit!) So I hear you wanna call my buddy stupid, right? Good, guess that means you're ready to FIGHT. This kid ain't just a star he's a solar system. You shoulda thought of that before you dissed him. I'm pissed. Chickn on the range yeah the world bout to change This Chickn's on the run this Chickn's taking the stage Now you're the one in the cage, the one incitin' my rage You better step the hell off before I send you to your grave. (Oh shit!)

everyone go to your imaginariums and pretend i know photoshop and did a thing

[REDACTED] plugged his earphones into his phone. It had been a long, hard day at work, and it was time to unwind with his favorite pastime, listening to comedy podcasts. It was Tuesday. What was new on Tuesdays? Oh, right. Hollywood Handbook. That was a good one. He opened his Howl app (what a phenomenal app) and started the latest episode. A listener call-in episode? Hmm. Well, he would hold his judgment for now. Hayes and Sean are funny guys who can make anything funny, after all. As [REDACTED] made his way through the episode, he felt the tension and stress drain away. It was funny and soothing. It made him feel a little safer and a little more engaged in life. The Holidays can be a tough time, but comedy is a real life raft in the sea of Seasonal Depression. Then, about 53 minutes into the episode, [REDACTED] froze and broke out in a cold sweat. That name. That voice. Could be a coincidence. No, no it wasn't. It was her. Oh god. It was her. He never thought he'd hear her voice again after that day she left almost exactly one year ago, slamming the door behind her. Something had been different in the air that time she left. She didn't even have to say it was for good this time. They both knew it. Since then he had moved to a new state, gotten a new shitty job. He was just trying to keep his head down, focus on his art and forget his time in Pittsburgh. It was hard to admit, but he was beginning to realize that he had behaved himself poorly there. He met a nice, trusting girl and treated her cruelly. He had enjoyed the rush of power when he broke her heart, repeatedly. But that was all in the past. He was trying to move on. He had been succeeding in moving on. Until now. Half of him wanted to tear his earphones out, turn off his phone and never listen to Hollywood Handbook again. But the other half, the stronger half, had a sick compulsion to keep listening. God, she was so charming. Her voice so beautiful. How could he have treated her so horribly? What kind of twisted monster was he? A couple minutes and her call was over. [REDACTED] turned off the podcast and walked to his desk. He should make amends. It was overdue. He took out a pen, intending to write a letter. But what could he say? What words in this world could ever make things right between them? No, words would not do. Instead, he took out his wallet, emptied it of several hundreds of dollars in cash, put it in an envelope and addressed it to her. No, he could never make things right. But this one small token of repentance, he could do. This one thing, he could do.

Ask me. I won't say no. How could I? I'll just need a light that never goes out so I can see where I'm cutting. It's gruesome, but if you think I'm doing it wrong, you shut your mouth. How can you say I go about things the wrong way? Anyway whenever you're ready, I'll meet you at the cemetery gates. "If you must write forums posts, the words you use should be your own. Don't plagiarize or take on loan." -Morrissey

It's time for TeenCosmoGirl's Saturday Quizztravaganza, girlfriends!!! Oh no! You just caught your Work Enemy talking major sh*t about your Work BFF! What do you do? A.) Go tell your work BFF RIGHT AWAY. She deserves to know all the absurdly hurtful and soul-cutting things people say behind her back. B.) Tell your Work Enemy in no uncertain terms to LAY OFF your friend. You don't care if you get in major trouble that could affect your career. A mostly shallow, workplace-based friendship is SO much more important than being able to pay rent. C.) Report what you heard to your boss in hopes that your Work Enemy will get written up since you heard a rumor she was one conduct violation away from getting fired. Your entire soul will feel slimy but at least you won't have any more competition for that promotion from the girl who just got engaged to the guy you were hooking up with last winter! D.) Do literally nothing to right this grievous wrong, but definitely go and make a joke about it on the Internet E.) I'm not doing a hot dog go to bathroom thing, and fuck you guys for thinking I would.