AshleyChupp

Bet you guys thought my post from earlier was me doing a joke that spiraled in a way that I never anticipated and that kind of distressed me, but EEEHHH WRONG it was actually a very calculated publicity stunt to promote this week's episode of Podcasts Are Wonderful. Sadly, greggy just had to let me go as his publicist. (he didn't say why but I assume it was budget cuts and couldn't be helped.) Fortunately, that means my services are now available to any podcasters out there who are interested!

I can't say I really understand everything that just happened here, but I sincerely hope everyone has a nice day.

Smh when will these feminazis quit screaming "rape" just for attention??? Ridiculous. First UVA and now this?! How many times does this have to happen before the liberal media morons will acknowledge that rape doesn't exist in real life and is actually just a thing to make cool, edgy jokes about and have happen to young women in movies so they get Oscars? Disgusting.

This is the sweetest thing a man has ever said to me.

I definitely didn't miss that bit, and I DEFINITELY didn't call my mother and all my second cousins, send a memo on my work email chain marked "urgent", hire a skywriter to put a message in the sky over my hometown AND pin a note to the swaddling blanket of the 6 month old baby I just left on my ex's doorstep, all saying "please listen to Hollywood Handbook on TUESDAY, DECEMBER FIRST and also SUCK IT BITCHES." Oh well. This was a very funny, good episode and I'm glad it got such a big boost in listeners from all that stuff I didn't do. I was so excited to hear Agata, I'm a big fan!!!

If I don't get to be flower girl at Silvr and Bruce's chill lesbian wedding, I am going to scream.

First Peretti and Peele, now Gourley and Lund... Do I sense a special Davenport/Clements announcement on the horizon?

I accidentally interrupted the boys. How should I sacrifice myself for maximum effect? Shotgun in the mouth? Crucifixion? Waterboarding? I've never felt so much guilt in my life, and one time I punched my cousin in her broken wrist because she took the seat in the car that I wanted.

one time my supervisor called me drunk late one evening just to say "Hey. You're really fucking obnoxious." and then hung up and I would say that's probably the closest i've ever been to quitting a job over a single phone call in my life. but you're right, this is very bad too, and you're facing a real conundrum right now. As I said to my ex boyfriend when he told me that he didn't fulfill the requirements of his probation and was forging some documents to give to the judge saying that he actually did, "I hope you make the right choice.... No, no I didn't mean anything by it. I swear. Yes you're right, you have told me to watch my tone. I'm sorry. No I really am sorry. How can I make this right? Seriously? I have to do that? No of course I'll do it. You know I will. Yes, I understand. I love y-- oh you're leaving now. Okay, bye honey."

It would really mean a lot to Jeffrey if you listened to this. Jeffrey was listening to it while he edited it and thought "wow this actually doesn't suck as much as usual." In fact, Jeffrey is almost even proud of this episode. Jeffrey doesn't have a lot going on for him that brings him joy besides this podcast, so throw him a bone and give it a listen, maybe if you have nothing better to do. Also Jeffrey is kind of embarrassed that Jeffrey just called this "america's favorite forum poster's podcast" because he knows that's an outrageous claim to do even as a joke, and he loves and respects all the other posters' podcasts a lot. (PS- hi, Corey I like you and I'm glad you joined the forums!! Stick around, friend!)

I told myself I wasn't gonna post again today. Told myself, "Let it go." Told myself, "You won't regret NOT making a Bad Post." Told myself, "Be the bigger person." But you know what I'm NOT the bigger person I am actually kind of small, and I HATE the high road because what if I fall??? Not mango, it's cantaloupe. Read a book. You mean "shoddy" and also watermelon season is way over so good luck finding a better one. Rude. That's the lighting, not the kiwi. Check urself. You are going to die, Bruce. Greggy, this is funny but you replied to my post without "liking" it first, so I have to put you on blast, too. I'm sorry and this hurts me more than it hurts you because I assume you don't give a shit about this at all. *drops mic* *runs back and picks up mic* Um, you guys are great and I love you, bye.

Every single one of you can go fuck yourselves straight to hell. Except A Bear because he is right and I'm going to do ten Hail Marys as penance. Anyone got a football? (Yes I'm a girl. Yes I know they do Hail Marys in football.) Edit: i'm never doing anything nice 4 you guys again.

Good morning, friends. I made you a fruit tray because I love (some of) you. Get at it fast cause it's first come, first serve and there aren't that many strawberries. PS- thanks for all your puppy name suggestions in the last thread. I was going to name him after my favorite forumer but then he really pissed me off so I named him Thundercock69 instead. I just strapped him to a motorcycle and duct taped the thing that makes it go down and pointed him westward. He should reach Hayes and Sean by Christmas I imagine.

I can't help it if cool, funny people with good taste love me.

Oh god Annie. Sorry to say I think you've just destroyed your reputation here.

Who the fuck are you and what are you doing barging in here?! (hi, annie i luv u)

Silvr if you can post to the forums, you can respond to the 69 text messages I sent you.

I listened to the Brother Lovers Podcast for my whole shift this morning. When you have to work every day at 5 am in a dimly lit walk-in cooler, you can't help but grow to really genuinely hate your life in a serious way. However, sometimes you can listen to a funny, good podcast by funny, good people and it makes you feel like maybe it wouldn't be so bad if you lived to see another day. Side note: I have a ten hour shift at 4 am on Wednesday. Can you guys do me a solid and record me some new eps by then? About 8 or 9 should do it I think. Thanks in advance for your help!

A random pic of some real badasses I just saw randomly. Wow so cool. Do you guys think they are cool? Just wondering for no reason at all.

I met up with a friend for beers but he keeps typing on his phone instead of talking to me. #rude Should I leave?

Hello friends I hope you all are having a great Friday. (I remembered the day of the week this time.) This morning as I was walking home from Starbucks (yes, I get my coffee from Starbucks because I wholeheartedly respect and support capitalism AND the secular war on Christmas), I saw a sad and adorable sight in the alley behind my house: (In an effort to be inclusive to folks who are picture-blind but still can see words, I will describe the picture. It's a tiny little scraggly puppy looking for trash to eat in the alley behind my house. The puppy has no collar and is completely unattended.) I don't think the puppy understood that that is a place where cars go and he could get hurt by them. So I sat in the alley with him for nearly an hour waiting to see if maybe his dog parents would come by to claim him. We had a grand time, me and this pup. I fed him bits of my whole grain bagel because he was so hungry. Then I remembered that I actually have no idea what dogs can eat so I googled "can dogs eat whole grain bagels" on my phone. No luck there, but apparently whole grain BREAD is very good for dogs and I figured that was close enough. However, after no one showed for a while, I started to worry. Cars were getting mad at me for sitting down in the middle of an alley where they wanted to drive. I was running out of whole grain bagel pieces. I seriously considered taking the little guy home and hiding him from my roommates, but he deserves a better life than that. One where he can be truly free and open to be his real self. So I carried him around the block aimlessly hoping a solution would present itself. Then, I ran into an older gentleman from my neighborhood who was walking his dogs, and he promised me he would take good care of the puppy and try to find his owners. Also, he said I can come visit the puppy whenever I want. Then he asked me if I wanted to name the puppy, and I told him I would have to get back to him on that because I needed to consult with the forums, first. What should this dashing young pup be named? He doesn't seem like a "Handbook" to me, I don't like the name "Hollywood" for a boy dog, and "Sean Hayes Davenport-Clements" is just too pretentious. Please hit me up with your best ideas.

I'm afraid of Jake Fogelnest.

Never have I been so proud to call Chickn my son as a weird bit we do on the Internet which when you think about it is actually kind of strange and creepy maybe. I do not recommend this podcast to anyone with a fragile ego as it can be rather difficult to move on from the revelation that some random kid is funnier now than you've ever been at any point in your life. in fact I just got off the phone with my improv coach to tell him I'm quitting comedy, and I blocked Lorne Michaels from DMing me on Twitter. Peace and love, friends. Have a good whatever the fuck day of the week it is.

Valerie, if you're reading this, your Kurt Cobain joke on PAW made me shriek out loud in public and I got arrested for disturbing the peace so if you could come bail me out, that would be great.

Liking a post shows vulnerability, and as a young, single woman living in the city, that's just not something I can afford. You let your guard down one time and next thing you know you're crying on the curb while the police ask you what you think they're supposed to do about it.