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This week's show is brought to you by the 2018 Fyre Fest. Set your expectations to stunned and underwhelmed.

After telling the ebony gentleman at the door his services weren't requested, I remembered I might have misspelled "blackmail" in my recent wishlist.

Come on, Scott. This one is racking up the views! You know, for 1-star ratings.

Golf is a relaxing outlet for many, including yours truly. What's more calming than excessive drinking and harassing the beverage girls?

If any one entity had a hand in creating our universe, it was Neil deGrasse Tyson. How else would he know what he knows? Books?!?! Ha!

If our deliverable is this dirigible but the subject is our submersible, it's time to get literal about this littoral. Any word on the seamen semen?

Once, twice, three times a lady. With Obamacare and easier gender reassignment, why wouldn't I try it out?

"Pyramids are for Grain, Skulls are for Brain"--A memoir by Dr. Ben Carson

What's the worst part about going bald? What's the point of an alt-right haircut when half of it's missing?

That "you had one job" line won't work on me. If one willfully ignores his or her task, how can you say there was failure? I call that avoidance!

I'm not here to say I am better than everyone else. I leave that to my hype man. I am here to say that everyone else is worse than me at everything.

Lactating lass Lacy lacklusterly laid luridly by Lawrence's luxury Lexus, lazily leering longingly at leggy Lucy. I think it was last Saturday.

Next year, Dolph. Those mouth-breathers at the Academy just didn't get Kindergarten Cop 2.

Elvis has reentered the building again, pissing on the floor and helping himself to all your food.

To date, my only regret in life is not becoming a house boy. Uncle Ron, if you're listening, I think I'm ready now.

It is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, served in lettuce and it comes with a side of aioli.

Herr Aukerman likely won't read this one on air, but he should. It warms my cold, cold heart.

I went the safe route and picked Pachelbel's Canon for my wedding song. You know, because Occam's Razor.

The rent is too damn high. The end is too damn nigh.

An upper decker is an act of pure force. To shit in the tank of someone's toilet instead of the bowl takes willpower and determination.

Gimme fuel, gimme fire, gimme that which I desire because I'm a combustion-engine automobile and would like to do my job.

I knew it was over after I mentioned the "Final Solution" when discussing not taking others' lunches from the fridge.

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? Well, guys, her last name is pretty on-the-nose, so let's check Southern California.

How Shelley Duvall got any work after The Shining is one of history's greatest unexplained events.

Bump! Just look at the plot for this bad boy. Early work for James Cameron. The farmers of the peaceful planet Akir are threatened by the space tyrant Sador (John Saxon) and his army of mutants, the Malmori. Sador's huge ship carries a weapon called a "Stellar Converter", which turns planets into small stars. He threatens to use the Converter unless the planet submits to him when he returns in several days. Zed (Jeff Corey), the last Akira warrior, is old and nearly blind. He suggests they hire mercenaries to protect the planet. Lacking valuable resources, they can only offer food and shelter in payment. Unable to go himself, Zed offers his ship for the job if they can find a pilot. The ship is fast and well-armed but, despite its AInavigation and tactical computer Nell, cannot defeat Sador alone. Shad (Richard Thomas), a young man who has piloted the ship and is well-known to Nell, volunteers for the recruiting mission. Shad's first stop is the Hephaestus space station, which repairs androids. Expecting to find weapons, Shad instead finds only two humans among the androids: Doctor Hephaestus (Sam Jaffe), kept on life support, and his beautiful daughter Nanelia (Darlanne Fluegel). The doctor attempts to force Shad to mate with his daughter. Shad doesn't want to abandon his people, and escapes, with Nanelia following in her own ship. Although she has no weapons, her highly advanced computer systems might be useful. The two split up to look for more mercenaries. Shad comes across Space Cowboy (George Peppard), a spacegoing truck driver from Earth. Shad learns that Cowboy is late delivering a shipment of laser guns to a planet which, as they watch, Sador destroys with his weapon. Lacking the fuel to carry the weapons home, Cowboy offers to deliver them to Akir. Shad talks him into teaching the Akira to use the guns. Later, Shad meets a set of five alien clones who share a group consciousness named Nestor. They admit their life is incredibly dull, since their whole race shares one mind. In order to be entertained, they have sent five members to join Shad's cause. Nestor does not require payment, saying they are completely self-sufficient. Next, Shad recruits Gelt (Robert Vaughn), a wealthy assassin who is so well known he can't show his face on any civilized planet. Gelt offers his services in trade for the ability to live peacefully hiding among the Akira. Gelt's spaceship is highly maneuverable and well armed. On his way back to Akir, Shad is approached by Saint Exmin (Sybil Danning), of the Valkyrie warriors. She is a headstrong woman looking to prove herself in battle. She pilots a small, barely armed, but extremely fast spaceship. Shad finds her annoying and wishes she would go away, but she tags along. While waiting for Shad's return, Nanelia is captured by a reptilian slaver named Cayman (Morgan Woodward). Cayman possesses a powerful old ship with an eclectic crew of aliens. She quickly recruits Cayman to their cause when he learns that they are looking for mercenaries to fight Sador. The only payment Cayman wants is Sador's head, since Sador's forces had destroyed Cayman's homeworld. The fleet of seven ships return to Akir. Shad takes the mercenaries down to the surface, but they are greeted with caution by the natives, who are not used to violent species. Eventually, Sador returns, but his fleet of fighters is intercepted by Shad and his new friends. In the opening battle, Gelt skillfully destroys several of Sador's ships but is mortally wounded when his ship crashes. Meanwhile, Cowboy and the Akiran natives, armed with his laser guns, fight off Sador's invading ground forces. Sador survives an assassination attempt by one of the captured Nestors and launches all of his ships in retaliation against the planet. The Akira ground troops, led by Cowboy, defeat Sador's army, but Zed is killed in the fighting. There is another huge space battle and the mercenaries' ships are destroyed one by one. However, the mercenaries are successful in destroying all of Sador's star fighters and the Stellar Converter, leaving only Sador's flagship. Shad and Nanelia, piloting Nell, are captured by the flagship in a tractor beam. The pair escape in a lifepod after Shad orders Nell to activate the ship's self-destruct program. Sador's ship is destroyed in the explosion. As Shad and Nanelia return to Akir, Nanelia despairs over the deaths of their friends. Shad tells her that the Akira believe that no one is truly dead when they are remembered and beloved by the living. The Akira will remember the sacrifices made by the mercenaries and honor them forever.