dirtyvicar

Although technically it should be "whom."

When I found the bloody corpses hours after the nurse stormed off yelling that she "had no more patience," I cursed my poor recognition of homophones.

They call me Mr. Tibbs! Which is annoying as fuck because my name is Mr. PIBB and I'm trying to sell some fucking soda around here.

As the Incredible Hulk brought him to climax, the Jolly Green Giant rejoiced that he'd finally found someone who could satisfy him. Smash, Hulk! Smash!

After the 20-car pileup that claimed the lives of everyone he ever loved, Christian decided that was the last time he'd ever let Jesus take the wheel.

Choosy mothers choose Jif. Sorry, I meant "Jeff." That's my New Zealand accent coming through. Anyway, your moms are all fucking Jeff.

The seminal Seminole spread semen all over the seminar.

Tiger, tiger, burning bright / Quick, let's run before someone figures out we set this tiger alight!

Violence is never the answer, particularly if you don't question why I keep stabbing you.

I realize that standing over the bloodied corpse of Lin-Manuel Miranda is an inopportune time to ask, but are you going to finish those tater tots?

The mayor's throbbing erection was not the only red flag signalling to Pete that he should get his prized pig to safety, but it was the most pressing.

As death washed over Trevor, his last thoughts were of Mirabelle and the romantic night they'd shared on Mauna Loa. Good dog, Mirabelle. Good dog.

Death Becomes Her, but Life be cummin' on her.

And so, with escalated global warming, the collapse of the middle class, and Delaware lost to the sea, the Great Capitol Hill Panty Raid ended in disaster.

Vengeance will be mine! And it can be yours now, too, for the low, low price of $9.95 a month. Use coupon code "bang bang."

Just sit back and enjoy the chafe.

I was thrown into a vat of chemicals by Batman and all I got was this stupid grin on my face and a desperate need to watch the world burn.

Eschewing the tyranny of pants since 2009