DaveSheir

Hey diddle, diddle the cat played the fiddle and immediately went viral and was signed by a major record label.

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man... kind of a boring asshole.

Tell me what you want, what you really, really want! I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. I just want to borrow the god damn cup of sugar, Ted!

Let the record show that those tents and that fire were there long before my client reached the site. This is a clear case of encampment.

Don’t call it a come back, that was just premature ejaculation.

In a “Junior” type medical miracle, Jack Johnson and Sufjan Stevens are now the proud parents of Surfjam Stevens.

In a “Junior” type medical miracle, Jack Johnson and Sufjan Stevens are now the proud parents of Surfjam Stevens.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jill came back, no sign of Jack and no investigation was conducted.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and broke his head. The monkeys learned nothing and one by one they died.

They say I'm my own worst enemy which is disappointing because I'd hoped my worst enemy would be more attractive

Please understand that this new obsession of yours, collecting vintage jumpsuits, is inherently classist. They'll see right through you, cavorting around town, self-assuredly cosplaying the proletariat.

Peter Peter, pumpkin eater had a wife and didn’t feed her so she left his pumpkin eating ass.

When my girlfriend said she wanted to tie the knot, I was nervous but once she tied me to the bed that’s when things started to get really kinky.

Hey man, I don’t want to pass the buck. I spent hours hunting and skinning this thing and you didn’t help at all.

To make a long story short, I was born and, someday, I will die.

I don’t know why I let him tell that cock n’ bull fight story. It was much too gory and that poor rooster never stood a chance.

My cat started to hump my pillow recently. I guess he’s okay with sloppy seconds.

Hopefully the hit to my dick didn’t cause any long term damage... Knock on wood.

I understand that you’re just pulling my leg but you could have just asked if I was an amputee.

Idle hands are the devil’s tools at least until Home Depot takes away their “no devils” policy.

I didn’t mean to give him the slip, but he immediately paged Dr. Freud.

My new girlfriend said she wanted to take me to the flea market. Turned out that was just what she called her apartment full of cats.

Don’t count your chickens before they hatch cause Imma ‘bout to make a big ass omelet.

A house divided against oneself cannot stand… unless it’s a lean-to.

I thought it was a blessing in disguise but it turned out to be my evil twin in drag.