MondoMudbutt

Everything in life is free if you don’t pay for it. I honestly never realized that until now. SO CRAZY!

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!

Put the milk down, babygirl. There is no reason to have the pickles marinating in your brother.

I can’t find my mother. Her name is Carmen Sandiego.

Do not for one second think that I’ll tell you if you have a large piece of food in your teeth. It’s more embarrassing for me than you.

Everyone tells me I’m cool. Lol. JOKE’S ON THEM!

Where is your stove? I really need to warm up my man milk.

La Croix is a woman’s only vice. Well, that and those delectable Babybel cheese snacks, RIGHT?

While tenderly licking the kitten’s tail, a tiny pink finger emerged from in between the puppy’s legs.

Watch out for turning vehicles. If you don’t, the car will fucking hit you and kill you and you’ll die and be dead forever you dummy.

I found it. I found the key. It was in the bathroom next to the sink. I found it. I found the key. It was in the bathroom in a pile of feces.

Hold on one fucking second. Are you talking U2 to me you boobless rude dude?

Just play the damn song, why don’t ya? I won’t be hard forever. In fact, I’ll only be hard for another 16 hours until I take my second dose of 37 Cialis pills.

The skin flaked and the birds sang songs of love and war as Voldemort finally made his way into Harry.

I was spoiled as a kid. Lost my virginity at birth when I technically had sex with my Mom.

Fiddler on the roof. Diddler suckin’ flute. That’s how I was raised, how about you?

Go to sleep, little baby. Go to sleep or I’ll sock ya in the tooth.

There. Oh yes, right there. That’s the spot. Oh God, you hit the spot. You hit the perfect hole.

In case of emergency, please refrain from eating hard boiled eggs next to the elderly man sitting over there. He was traumatized by one as a child in the war.

I heard the bone chilling screams from miles away. I knew I could help, so I walked in the opposite direction to avoid helping.

String cheese from the East. Bee secretions from the West. I’ve never not cheated on a pregnancy test.

If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, take it out and play with it. It’s like free Play-Dough!!!

17 Cheeseburger Big Bites for me and the fam, please. The two of us would greatly appreciate some spray diarrhea right about now.

No, grandma, I am absolutely not going to chew your food for you…Unless, do you still have that Werther’s Original you sucked on but couldn’t finish?

Cleanse my soul, you wretched beast. Cleanse me from the inside and caress me from the outside. Diddle me before time runs out.