Thelonious Hunk

Mom? Dad? I'm sorry but I Shreked your car.

Oatmeal morning, noon, and night is a sure way to have your shits feel outta sight

Wilford Brimley comes to me every night in my dreams and force feeds me oatmeal with a funnel and, honestly, it's starting to turn me on

Nana's on the phone, she wants to know if you've been eating your oatmeal

Oatmeal oatmeal oatmeal. I hope everyone is getting enough oatmeal.

Oatmeal will cure what ails ya, if what ails ya is a lack of fiber

This just in, 'dog food lid' backwards spells 'dildo of god.' Full story at 11.

Themistocles

Shooting at the walls of Comedy Bang! Bang! I am Scott Aukerman

Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when we're 69in'?

Wine 'em, dine 'em, get her home before nine 'em

These millennials are too busy eating ass to eat their oatmeal

Shaving the hair in your ass crack is a quick and simple way to brighten anyone's day!

Honestly, I don't even know what's real and what's a Simpson's joke that I'm misremembering.

The lady doth dick test too much, methinks. But she is a penis doctor.

I shall scoff if thou cough whilst quaffing upon my coffer. Now get off!

This is just my B-material. Check out my LinkedIn page for my A-game.

Just the tip? Baby, I'm all tip.

If you really want to laugh at the Big Bang Theory, I'd recommend taking Physics 410 with Professor Jones. The homework is tough, but he curves the grades.

My button is an outtie/ my johnson is an innie/ everynight I scream/ why won't someone help me

The blind leading the blind? That's my fetish.

And that, my herpes-riddled pal, is a non sequitur.

I know we shouldn't cross the streams, but what if we touch butts?

Long time listener, first time flosser

The only thing that pisses me off more than Comic Sans is the comic Sanz, Horatio that is