ratingsjedi

Poker in the front, liquor in the rear. And in between, a whole lotta taint.

She was no stranger to danger, but this was stranger than danger. This was “stranger danger.”

If someone had told me as a kid that I would someday become a world famous podcaster, I would have said “that’s awesome, now can I put my clothes back on, Mr. Spacey?”

It’s 7am on Party Rock 96.9 FM, and you're listening to the morning zoo crew with Randy and the Jizzman!

Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean. As a result, there was very little 69'ing in their marriage.

What you don’t realize about this catchphrase is that, on paper, every word is horribly misspelled.

Next time you’re having a bad day, just remember… Screech from Saved by the Bell has a giant schlong.

By the power of Greyskull, I have the power…to just say no to drugs!

Welcome to Comedy Fang! Fang! The show where we talk to interesting people and then bite them to death.

I’m pretty fly for a white guy, really fly for a really white guy.

So I took the road less traveled, and found myself lost and alone in the wild. Over the years, I came to regard the wolves as my family and the stars as my television. In any case, I'm suing Waze.

As a comedian, I sometimes find myself driving around, thinking about getting coffee. But then I’m like, “Who am I? Jerry Seinfeld?”

I’ve often been accused of being dead on the inside. What people don’t realize is that I’m also dead on the outside. I mean, my flesh is literally melting off my body. Why does nobody notice that?

I might not be young and restless anymore, but I am certainly still bold and beautiful and general hospital.

“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing” …in bed!

You know that movie “Scent of a Woman”? So, what did it turn out to be? Like, Pina colada or something??

You could tell right away, I was ba-ba-ba-ba-bad to the bone. It wasn’t until 3rd grade, however, that I developed my stuttering problem.

No animals were harmed in the making of this podcast. However, several of them did express displeasure with the overall quality of this episode.

A priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk into a bar. The priest says "Three Coors Light, please!" Because of course he did. It's Coors Light. What the hell else are you going to order besides Coors Light??

I’ve never seen the movie “On Golden Pond,” but I have spent many a summer day “in golden public pool.” That counts, right?

I wish the scientists at Olive Garden would use their "Never Ending Pasta" technology for something far more important, like the human life span. Or edible pasta.

The most effective way to shock the monkey is to tell it how much money Judge Judy makes per year.

How many room keys do I need?? I don’t know. 20?

Dearest Liza, I write to you will some disturbing news from the battlefield. After today's events, there is now a hole in my bucket. Thoughts of being back home in your arms keeps me going, but a bucket without a hole would definitely help as well. Also, please send nudes.

Have you seen some of the fancy doggie bags that some restaurants are using these days? Talk about doggie style!