ratingsjedi

From farm to table to mouth to butt to toilet to sewer to ocean to Carnival Cruise Line buffet.

There’s nothing funny about comedy. Wait, I’m sorry. I forgot the Tim Allen part. There’s nothing funny about Tim Allen’s comedy.

I hate it when I’m too big for my britches, but too small for my bitches.

When I’m not making the streets safe by beating up punks, you can find me making sweet, sweet love. To punks.

“What’s up?” asked the farmer. “Chicken butt!” exclaimed the slow-witted farm hand, as he prepared to take his sweet ass hens to Pound town.

Has anyone ever told you that you look like my neighbor Frank?

If I take probiotics and antibiotics at the same time, does that make me bi?

There's a special place in hell reserved for people who are bad.

In the land of the blind, the blind guy with royal blood is king.

If you are constantly finding yourself separating the head from the torso, you just might be a neck.

There must be a lot of mantises in heaven, what with all the praying they do. So yes, to answer your question, heaven is full of disgusting insects.

What did the Bitcoin-loving peanut say to the almond at the ATM? “Cash? Ewww.”

I’m afraid that due to my delicate ladyfingers, the only dessert I’m able to make is tiramisu.

I've decided that I won't confess my murders until I'm on my death bed. I've also decided that I won't choose my victims until I'm on my death bed.

I'm just going to go out on a limb and say it... Can you grab a ladder and help me down from this limb?

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if you paid him a living wage? And maybe throw in a decent dental plan while you're at it. I mean, this isn't 19th century woodchuckery! (This message brought to you by Chuck Woolery.)

To the victors go the spoils. To the losers go the mohels. Pants down, snip snip! (note: that's pronounced "moyles" for you anti-semites!)

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you just pay them to listen.

'Twas beauty that killed the beast. Wait, did I say beauty? I meant Diabetes. Diabetes killed the beast. Multiple organs failed at the end. It was awful. Diabetes is no laughing matter. For more info on once-a-day Januvia, see our ad in this month’s Men’s Health Magazine.

Don't think of this as a podcast. Think of this as a radio show with less advertiser support.​

The halfway point between the cities Boston and Chicago is Silver Creek, NY. The halfway point between the bands Boston and Chicago, however, is clearly Pussy Riot.

The The The concert was so "so-so" that I said "bye-bye" before the clock tick-tocked... So then I played some ping-pong, and listened to “Go-Gos" sing songs, along with Gaga and half the White Stripes... When much to my shock, I heard starting to rock, another old ‘80s band called “Talk Talk...” And then I started to ha-ha, cause they sound just like A-ha, but then flip-flopped and said nighty-night. ​

Are you a mop? Cause you have to tell me if you're a mop.

What would *I* do for a Klondike Bar? None of your god damn business, you perv.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.