ratingsjedi

This goes without saying.

You better eat your greens, or else you'll get the blues. And then you'll get the reds from really chunky poos. Grandma knows what I'm talking about.

As both Billy Joel and Cathy would say, "Workin' too hard can give you a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack."

Quoi de neuf, hot dog? Quoi de neuf?

The only thing worse than a mixologist is a re-mixologist.

Uggh, I didn’t realize this party was gonna be such a sausage fest. Good thing my pocket’s always filled with knackwurst.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. But by all means, smell evil. Take a whiff. Inhale. Breathe it all in. Smells like farts, don’t it?

Snickers really satisfies, but only Milky Way makes me cum.

What do you mean you’re not my real father? Wait… am I *your* real father??

Hey! How about you take a chill pill, shut the fuck up, and enjoy some goddamn comedy.

Gentlemen, start your engines. Ladies, start your lady engines. The Bang starts now.

Wow your holiday guests with this secret family drink recipe: 1 part egg nog, 2 parts rum, 8 parts nutmeg. You're welcome.

I'm Scott Aukerman and the only one I sexually harass is my reflection in the mirror. Comedy Yum, Yum.

Hi there. Do you mind if I call you Big Daddy Thunderknuckle? Great. So, Big Daddy Thunderknuckle, I was reviewing your medical tests and I’m afraid it’s bad news.

Is there a humongous fungus among us, or am I just high on shrooms?

Tonight's episode of Comedy Bang! Bang! was filmed in front of a live studio audience, comprised of people who were constantly clearing their throats throughout the show.

Ooga-booga goes the caveman. Bleep-blorp goes the alien. Stamps.com goes the podcaster.

This Christmas, if you’re looking for a fun, surprising stocking stuffer, how about Grandma’s dentures? Sure to make the whole family laugh. Plus, it will stop Grandma from saying racist stuff.

Kids, it's about time you learned the truth about Santa Claus. He voted for Jill Stein.

Oh here she comes / watch out boy, she'll chew you up / oh here she comes / she's a flesh-eating bacteria

Soup, poop, or Goop. Nobody rides Gwyneth Paltrow for free.

Don't beat a dead horse. Also, don't eat a dead horse.

I've heard of one turtle dove, but TWO turtle doves???

As the crowd gathered at the crime scene tape, little did they know that on the other side of that tape, a crime had been committed.

You know that song “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”? It’s totally about meth.