Shittybutthole

Sorry officer, I didn't realize throwing my feces out the window while driving was illegal.

A finger in the butt doesn't mean you're a slut. Now if you fit two, expectations change for you.

If you see a toilet in your dreams, I implore you; don't fucking use it.

Another year in the tank, another spank in the bank. And my fleshy-fun-bridge that some of you naughty otters call a chode is the keystone to the human body.

If my dad could see me now, his ghost would tell me I masturbate a lot.

Sit down and have a cookie, the FBI is waiting outside. I'm Chris Hansen and welcome to Comedy Fuck Tart.

Wipe that shit-eating grin off your face, because if you're eating shit and grinning today is not your day

Yes my penis is only 3 inches... 3 inches FROM THE GROUND because it is a prosthetic and has fallen off again.

Alexa... Continue reading "Snoopy erotica". Oh, shit. Alexa, stop.

Feeling down? Rinse your cup out with Sprite like the people in Hollywood do! It’s more expensive than water and you’ll feel better in no time.

Call the police!! Arby's has ALL THE MEATS and is holding them hostage!

I'm required by the state of California to tell you that I'm a registered sex defender. Call me now, please.

Why do I smell my finger when it breaks through the toilet paper while wiping? It doesn't smell any different from the last time it happened.

The real reason you can't pet a service dog is because of the Beetlejuice law: The third stroke transfers ownership.

With these fingers, your brother will buckle. Happy Thanksgiving it's time for your suckle.

Charlie Sheen and Dan Marine. Never fuck with a Lima bean.

Regardless of if Han or Greedo shot first, it doesn't matter because Dopo me goola, E chu ta Solo. Oh oh oh

I blessed the rains down in Africa, and cursed the late fees up at the last remaining Blockbuster.

Like a good neighbor, State Farm should stop raising my premiums.

Would you like to watch Mind of Mencia? I'll say no thanks, already had diarrhea.

Is it okay that I can't feel my teeth, hold on mom, was that a queef!?

Got milk? Gone limp? Is you penis shaped like a baby shrimp?

Thanksgiving is a speed bump to Christmas, but I'll bump speed at Thanksgiving to get through spending time with my family.

Trump is being impeached? My penis can only get so erect, so I'll take another Viagra.

Remember, remember... Not the 5th of November, but the episode of Seinfeld where George sees how many fingers Kramer can put in his bum!?