AtOfficialGwynethPaltrow

Might I suggest, “A good man is hard to heynong TO”

Boogers can’t be choosers. They’re the losers when fingers choosers

Paul Blart Mall Cop Carl Tart face swap

Call me Ishmael, or you can call me Al, just don’t call me maybe like that Canadian gal.

Fair is foul, foul is fair, thoust who smelt it dealt the putrid air.

Oh, what tangled web we weave when we write the screenplay for All About Steve.

It’s like ten thousands spoons when all you need is a knife, it’s meeting the man of my dreams after stabbing his beautiful wife.

A penny wise and a pound foolish, IT 2’s in theaters now if you’re feeling ghoulish.

It takes one to know one, two to tango, and three to Scaramouche Scaramouche will you do the Fandango.

Don’t quit your day job...unless you’re the president then for the love of God, please quit, Donald.

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take because you’re an anti-vaxxer.

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take due to your crippling fear of needles.

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love let’s me put it in their behind.

Life is what happens when your busy making sandwiches.

Thirty days hath September, Dads and Grads is a never-ender, Augie Doggie is out like KD Lang, I'm Scott Aukerman, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

If all the raindrops were lemon drops and gumdrops, we’d all have type two diabetes.

Give a man a catfish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish, he’ll ruin lonely people’s self-esteem and credit score for a lifetime.

In the name of the son and the father and my crush on Drew Tarver, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Leave six inches for Jesus and three for my penis.

All’s well that ends well unless your Baby Jessica.

Where there’s a will there’s a way to make your death look like an accident to the insurance company.

It’s not about the number of breaths we take, but the number of asthma attacks that take our breathe away.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the Bush did 9/11.

Misery loves company so please welcome my first guest, Kathy Bates!