Bruce the Hygienic Fart

You know that thing that blossomed out my nipple hole? Not a fungus, but it is part cabbage. So that's good.

A barrel filled with ranch dressing and shaved possum, thankyouverymuch.

Ain’t nothin’ like crammin’ some Texas toast up the ol’ keister hole till the missus arrives.

Just to be clear: Pus Geyser has always been the name of my dick. That thing geysering pus just happens to be on my dick, but it's completely unrelated to how my dick got its name.

Tooty Toot Butt Train was my best friend until Rudolph ate him. Happy Halloween!

It'd be nice if my dick stopped zoom-bombing chats with my priest. Wait, that's not my dick! And, that's not my priest! Mom, you silly goose!

Both are true: 1. Alvin, Simon, and Theodore were part of the greatest rodent rock band of all time. 2. The manager/producer of Alvin and the Chipmunks drowned many, many chipmunks in a bucket when their voices "aged out" of the act.

Grandma, you may have died in the meth den fire, but we’re still gonna freebase the green bean casserole and panty raid the bingo hall.

Thou shan't shit thy shants.

“It was Mario with a wrench in the castle,” said Toadstool PI. “Luigi linguine spattered the walls and Yoshi was rotten and chopped up like week-old sashimi. Princess says he was hopped up on star power. All for a brick of 10 gold coins. Senseless.”

There’s multiple pubic hairs in this broccoli!

Keep the bidet, Mr Fancypants. I got a half-trained hermit crab who hasn’t eaten in days.

If the ratio of eyes to dicks holds true across all species, cyclops must’ve only had half a dick which is probably why they died out.

The war-weary mallard always warned the young hoplites to beware the minotaur at the center of all duck vagina.

The testes test made Messi a little testy, while testing his testes after the test made him a little messy.

America's real-life 'Citizen Kane,' William Randolph Hearst, called his dick Rosebud.

Mini-hands and mini-dicks with many hands and many dicks? I'm a tiny octopus with eight hands and a lot of dicks!

Oui! Lobster tart with a French autarch? Stinky farts from a Bonaparte.

My name's Henry McCarty IV, but my friends call me Billy the Kid's Kid's Kid's Kid

Howdy Doody's a little tooty; Buffalo Bob must be talking out his booty.

Never feed aroused elk until after it finishes in the glovebox.

May all you assless chaps out there one day, finally, get that donkey and ride free through the pastures of your English homeland.

Every morning I wake up believing today's the day I find my third nipple.