Edward James Almost Famous

Every day is a gift. If that gift is a flaming bag of dog poop on the front porch.

Blood is thicker than water but this wet t-shirt contest has taken a turn for the worse.

The wheels on the bus go lower and lower each year because our education system has no budget for air pressure gauges.

The secret to life is simple: live, laugh, and put $20 of each paycheck into a high-dividend, low-risk blue chip stock for 45 years and then die rich AF. .

Nikola Tesla was a great scientist but nobody talks about how he looked down on his peers Christopher Prius and Ickobod Smartcar.

Country chodes take me home. To a place small and wide.

Creamy, chunky, and organic. Peanut butter or poops? Find out next on This American Life.

Gobstoppers candy: Now with 33% less gob.

Twim twam tweedildee dee. My wife is a whore and a cuckold I be.

The kingdom of heaven is always open. But close that damn window. God isn't made of money and the heart's getting out.

I wish I may. I wish I might. Squeeze a little juice tonight.

Live your life like a bunch of grapes: slimy, squishy, and unappealing.

These boots are made for Walken. Christopher Walken. And he's given me a gold watch as payment.

Doctor, doctor, I've got a case of the blues - and it's located entirely in my balls.

If you like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain you may be a white girl from Santa Monica's tinder profile.

With all this talk about masks Jim Carrey and Eric Stolz are making away like bandits.

Let's keep social distancing after the quarantine. The virus may go away but your Velveeta cheese breath won't.

Oh me. Me oh my. Quarantine's packed beef on those thighs.

If you read listener-submitted catchphrases at the top of your show... You MAY be a podcast host.

If "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts then butts would be nuts and we'd all be pooping little sperms.

Birds of a feather flock together. Birds clad in leather fly like Tim Allen in Wild Hogs.

It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings but fat shaming is cancelled so let's keep this party rolling.

Jimmy Eat World then Jimmy Poop World