Dr. Julius P. Cumstein

Welcome to Otto Dix's Auto Dicks - we just painted your car, asshole.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but I prefer my Christmas goose the traditional way, Grandma.

The sweetest of peaches, the bitterest apple - they both taste the same when they come out your craphole.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang, an insider's pie-d to the red velvet cake back tart-ways of this flan-dustry we call dough biz. That's right, it's a dessert show now, and I'm your host Scone Bakerman.

Enjoy my Celebrity Memorabilia Museum. We've got a tooth from Powers Boothe, the shin of Anthony Quinn, and unfortunately the Alan Thicke exhibit will remain temporarily closed until we can locate a missing item.

If she's looking for fun, play "Band On The Run". If she gives you the eye, play "Live And Let Die". If you want a divorce, play "Wonderful Christmastime".

My restaurant's got a pasta farfalle and a revenue shortfall, so please, please stay and eat.

Let it mellow if yellow, flush down if it's brown - either way, sock it to me Mr. President.

Vinegar tastes great on me fish 'n' chips, but only so-so on me piss 'n' shits.

Shakespeare said "The Play's The Thing", but I think it works better if the play's Mister Fantastic.

There's no "I" in "team", but there is an Ian Ziering.

If you've got an ouchy, see Dr. Fauci. Call Larry Bird if you marry a turd.