Some say crochet, others say crotch-it. You made a new scarf, but I made a new pocket.

[Some say crochet, others say crotch-it. You made a new scarf, but I made a new pocket.]

🤌

[What is this, family court? Because it’s time we separate the men from the boys]

‍

[Is that an old cum stain on your sweatpants, or are you just happy to see me?]

🍽🕸🕷

[Give me liberty or give me death or give me representative democracy and give me locked-in syndrome.]

[Great minds think a like, but the greatest minds think a love]

🥰

[Cool runnings, cool ranch, Kulap’s booty really fills them pants]

[What am I, chopped liver? Where am I, a prostitute’s body in Victorian England?]

🗡

[I’ll wait for you with bated breath, because I’ll be masturbating into my mouth until I see you.]

[Babe in the woods, Babe 2: Pig in the City in the city]

🕷🕸

[Methuselah the biblical patriarch? You had me at Methuse.]

[My children complain, they live sheltered life. Now they sleep outside among the dogs!]

🥱🦮

[Throw that stupid baby out, anywhere, into the street is fine, I really could care less. But don’t you dare spill a drop of my precious bath water.]

[I’m rubber, you’re glue. You’ve always loved horses because they’ll be made into you.]

[How do you like them apples, specifically, how do you like them in comparison with them oranges?]

[Pfffft, that’s not turkey jerky! It’s just another old woman’s neck!]

🍽

[Till the grass, till the seed, Tilda Swinton, WAP indeed]

[Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Where there’s a Walmart, there’s often also a subway. And when you only have a tiny shred of will to live, there’s always a way your life can get even shittier.]

[Old Santa is clever, and he knows lots of tricks. He pretends stockings are pussies, and presents are dicks]

[Some like McDreamy, and others McSteamy, but old Doctor Scholes puts the cream on my weenie]

🥳honorable mention to doctor Quinn medicine woman

[Grandma got run over by a reindeer, grandpa got beheaded by a ski. He sees you’ve all been making war on Christmas. Santa, who will your next victim be?]

🪓

[What would you do if your son was at home, cryin all alone on the bedroom floor cuz he’s hungry, and the only way to feed him is to pick up a spoon and say zoom zoom, but you’re afraid of planes?]

For you this is just a good time, but for me this is what I call life. 

[Baby, you want it the easy way or the diseasey way?]

[The fire, the sea, the wind, and sound; these four elements prove that the earth isn’t round]

🌪🌬

[If you drink my milkshake, there will be blood]

[Say what you want, it was very cool of Bill Burr to also refrain from making any jokes in his rebuttal of Chris Rock’s SNL opening monologue]

‍🦲‍🦱