Jennifer JasonLee HarveyOswald

I'd like to thank the poll workers... and all the other strip club employees too. I'm having a super fun time!

It turns out "go the the store and grab a skirt steak" does not mean what I thought, and I sincerely apologize, your honor.

Please feel free to attribute this catchphrase to a user named “Garry Marshall’s Ghost”. I felt like *actually* creating that account would be bad Juju.

Now that you know my pronouns, check out my adverbs: Wetly, Hotly, and occasionally Scottly.

Giddy up jingle whores, pick up your feet. No, you can't cancel me- your resume explicitly said "Jingle Whore".

One time, my wife was on the show. It's been 3 weeks since that episode. I only mention it because she doesn't know how the Cantina Band song goes. I assume nobody does.

No baseball this spring, no wintertime hockey. Bring me your face and I'll teach you bukkake.

Snowin' AND Blowin'? Ok, you were right- Jingle Bell Square is a pretty dope club, baby.

"United" comes from the latin, meaning "only one Ted". Mr. Nugent; Senator Cruz; You two dickweeds are going to have to fight it out to see who stays on this flight.

This week on "Grizzly Man: Ironic Celebrity Edition", Amy Poehler gets eaten. No, like, by a bear.

Jeffrey Toobin was lubin' while Merrill Stubing was pooping. Welcome to the very worst episode of The Love Boat.

Welcome to my underwear. Or, as the label reads, "Small Business; Saturday".

I panicked at the disco, got covered in Crisco, and rolled to the church in my new....wait....oh my god, that's not crisco!!

I can't believe you losers have only found ONE of the CBB monoliths we put out there.

These are some real nice ears you gots here. Be a real shame if you was to stop listening to the show and something was to happen to 'em.

Leave the Bang Bang.Take the Comedy. Welcome to Cannoli Gun Gun.

Liquor store? I don’t even know where her store is located! Seriously, can someone explain the clitoris to me?

I’ve got a booty like a Cadillac: Designed in the 70’s and, if we’re being candid, a little overpriced for what you actually get.

All the downtown ladies call me “treetop lover”. All the mens just call me squirrel.

I NEVER want to hear you say "I want it that way". Now will you boys please leave my backstreet Burger King?

From the window to the walls to the attic- the insulation in this house is terrible. Come to think of it, that might be why your balls are so sweaty.

It's time for an Ernest discussion about the center of the earth. Know what I mean, Jules Verne?

Tune your dial, lock it in, and jerk your knob off. It's time to masturbate to Comedy Bang Bang.

Stay tuned- this could be the episode where them Duke boys (David and Marma) finally win.

Dr. Watts and I have completed the procedure to remove the excess urine from your wife’s kidneys. We de-peed your wife. She loved it.