One should always punch up in comedy. Especially when crouching beneath Donald Trump's testicles.

[One should always punch up in comedy. Especially when crouching beneath Donald Trump's testicles.]

One should always punch up in comedy. Especially when crouching beneath Donald Trump's testicles. 

[One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. I fish, you fish, stop fishing! Quit eating dolphins!!! The coral is dying!!!!!]

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. I fish, you fish, stop fishing! Quit eating dolphins!!! The coral is dying!!!!!

[After tonight's podcast, the final podcast ever of Comedy Bang Bang, I'll finally have time to remove all these skin tags.]

After tonight's podcast, the final podcast ever of Comedy Bang Bang, I'll finally have time to remove all these skin tags.

[Math and watching porn are basically the same. Either way, I'm embarrassed if someone walks in the room and sees me masturbating while I'm doing it.]

Math and watching porn are basically the same. Either way, I'm embarrassed if someone walks in the room and sees me masturbating while I'm doing it.

Spoiler

Spoiler

 

 

[I was going to write another juvenile catchphrase about sex, or farts, or butts. But I'm a sophisticate. So this one's all about ennui, the human condition, and my sweet, salty nuts.]

I was going to write another juvenile catchphrase about sex, or farts, or butts. But I'm a sophisticate. So this one's all about ennui, the human condition, and my sweet, salty nuts.

[Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. But Humpty Dumpty had a pre-existing condition, so now he's just a fucking broken egg.]

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. But Humpty Dumpty had a pre-existing condition, so now he's just a fucking broken egg.

[Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean. But no matter what Jack ate he'd drink and get mean.]

Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean. But no matter what Jack ate he'd drink and get mean.

[tickledy tuck, pickledy puck, I can think of some bitches I'd like to have spayed.]

tickledy tuck, pickledy puck, I can think of some bitches I'd like to have spayed.

[Spring is in the air, the days are getting longer, I went to high school with Matt Braunger.]

Spring is in the air, the days are getting longer, I went to high school with Matt Braunger.

[Ideal catchphrase length is sixteen syllables. Time for me to say...]

Ideal catchphrase length is sixteen syllables. Time for me to say...

[Roses are red, violets are red too. Everything's red when my forehead's bleeding.]

Roses are red, violets are red too. Everything's red when my forehead's bleeding.

[I'm hungry for a tangelo, that tasty, clumsy portmanteau.]

You're a catchphrase legend! That means a lot. 

[It's been a while...since My Wife...left me. So I made a replacement out of beeswax and silence. And that has made all the difference.]

It's been a while...since My Wife...left me. So I  made a replacement out of beeswax and silence. And that has made all the difference.

[My girlfriend said, "I'm breaking up with you because you're immature." I said, "Are you on your period?"]

My girlfriend said, "I'm breaking up with you because you're immature." I said, "Are you on your period?"

[I'm hungry for a tangelo, that tasty, clumsy portmanteau.]

I'm hungry for a tangelo, that tasty, clumsy portmanteau. 

[When I do a little dance without wearing any pants, I'm taking a big chance that your sister Nance isn't sitting in the living room with her bible study group. Sorry Nance.]

[I resolve to re-solve any problems I solved poorly last year. If this fails, next year I'll re-resolve to re-re-solve the problems even better.]

I resolve to re-solve any problems I solved poorly last year. If this fails, next year I'll re-resolve to re-re-solve the problems even better.