Schadenfreude's Dead Cat

One should always punch up in comedy. Especially when crouching beneath Donald Trump's testicles.

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. I fish, you fish, stop fishing! Quit eating dolphins!!! The coral is dying!!!!!

After tonight's podcast, the final podcast ever of Comedy Bang Bang, I'll finally have time to remove all these skin tags.

Math and watching porn are basically the same. Either way, I'm embarrassed if someone walks in the room and sees me masturbating while I'm doing it.

I was going to write another juvenile catchphrase about sex, or farts, or butts. But I'm a sophisticate. So this one's all about ennui, the human condition, and my sweet, salty nuts.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. But Humpty Dumpty had a pre-existing condition, so now he's just a fucking broken egg.

Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean. But no matter what Jack ate he'd drink and get mean.

tickledy tuck, pickledy puck, I can think of some bitches I'd like to have spayed.

Spring is in the air, the days are getting longer, I went to high school with Matt Braunger.

Ideal catchphrase length is sixteen syllables. Time for me to say...

Roses are red, violets are red too. Everything's red when my forehead's bleeding.

I'm hungry for a tangelo, that tasty, clumsy portmanteau.

You're a catchphrase legend! That means a lot.

It's been a while...since My Wife...left me. So I made a replacement out of beeswax and silence. And that has made all the difference.

My girlfriend said, "I'm breaking up with you because you're immature." I said, "Are you on your period?"

I resolve to re-solve any problems I solved poorly last year. If this fails, next year I'll re-resolve to re-re-solve the problems even better.