Quasar Sniffer

Dear Jake, I'm pretty sure the sentence "SHUT UP JIM MORRISON!" is my favorite group of words to appear in an advertisement ever. Excellent work.

Mac and Me is like the Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo of movies: It's just a piece of shit that keeps on giving.

God damn... Rob fucking Liefeld. His amateurish bullshit excuse for art/illustration still pisses me off. He fails on every level a comic book artists could conceivably fail at; it's not realistic, not aesthetically appealing, not titillating, not imaginative, not fantastical, Hell, it's not even good at being exploitive. It's worse than anything in this movie.

Oh, I definitely can see watching one of the more terrible-in-the-slow-painful-death-way WDTGM movies at a faster speed. There's no reason one needs to take in After Earth at its intended pace, unless he or she is in to some sort of emotional masochism. I just kind of skipped around. Back to Mortal Kombat though, since this is definitely not one of THOSE movies. I mean, it's pretty terrible, but fun to actually watch. I fucking loved these games as a kid, far more than Street Fighter, but looking back on this movie with non-pre-teen eyes...good grief. Christopher Lambert plays what appears to be a "god" of Buddhist origin (what?!?!) and delivers his lines with the motivation of someone reading the fucking phone book while on a Quaalude bender. Meanwhile, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, the guy who played Shang Tsung, is committing a thousand percent in every frame he's in. It's nuts. This was all well and good when I was 12, especially since I could recite the Scorpion backstory backwards and forwards and experienced a significant mind explosion when I found out you could actually PLAY in the pit stage against Reptile if you were awesome enough, but even then I knew something was amiss.

Paul Rudd and Mac and Me will never die! http://teamcoco.com/video/conan-highlight-alana-nichols-paul-rudd-prank-01-21-14

I don't understand listening at increased speed. I mean, I get it for a technical podcast or assigned reading for work or school or something, but for me, I'd rather actually hear the comedic or narrative flow at the intended pace. If listening to a certain number of podcasts necessitates me lessening the quality of the experience, then I'd rather listen to less podcasts, or at least change my listening habits.

Yeah, I think the previously mentioned materials make this movie even more baffling. It's a compelling character that has been in some highly regarded books, been adapted into great comics by one of my favorite comic book writers, and was earlier adapted into Point Blank, which is an amazing film; a dark and misanthropic one, but a great one. As much fun as a Statham movie can be, Lee Marvin can do more with a single stare than Statham can in an entire fight sequence.

But for real guys, Jim Henson and the Muppets are some of the best things to ever happen to this planet. I feel like I should watch the original Muppet movie just to wash the taste of Jack Frost out of my brain.

I want to know if whatever bizarro black magic contained in the harmonica is conditioned on the season. So, if Jack Frost hadn't died around Christmas, could he have come back as a giant turkey for Thanksgiving? A leprechaun for St. Patrick's Day? A bucket of fireworks for the Fourth of July? Maybe he ONLY came back as a snowman because Jack Frost is a winter-associated name. Could he have been resurrected as another mythical mascot if he changed his named? Perhaps go with the last name "Forest" and come back as Smokey the Bear? Would being named "John Milton" result in him returning as Al Pacino's character in The Devil's Advocate?

I forced my parents to take me to see at least one of these movies in theaters and even owned one on VHS. My parents know true sacrifice when it comes to their offspring. For their sake, fucking rip this movie a new one and expose how much of a dumb-dumb I was as a child.

This post is proof that they have the internet in Hell... or at least sales on non-brand TVs.

It looks like a Spartacus ripoff, which I feel is garbage to begin with, but if that show can get away with being total garbage, why not this movie? Low rent '300'! As if that movie wasn't low rent enough...

If we were on Kony Island, could we purchase these dogs at Nathan's then ride roller coasters? ...Or would our genitals be mutilated with machetes? COME ON GUYS, African civil war and child soldier jokes! Anyway, Jake Fogelnest and his podcast are so powerful that Damien Fahey, a man who has made television with Jesse Camp, was made bewildered by the various Files discussed. Magic.

Other choice dialogue selections: "Forget it Rory, he's not fun to pick on anymore since his old man died." "Yeah, well he better get over it. I never even met my old man!" HA! This "Rory" character would go on the help Charlie save the day or whatever. Ok, sure.

I'm just more talking about individual scenes. Sometimes they just went on too long, like superfluous jokes in a bit in Anchorman 2. I do not doubt the validity of Jonah Hill eating a goldfish or snorting coke out of hookers' asses.

Actually, I'd prefer the guest to be 1980s Henry Rollins just to see the reaction of the guy who did vocals on songs like "My War" and "Depression" seeing himself in a Christmas movie about a snowman and starring the guy from Beetlejuice. I would also gladly take present-day Rollins. He is a veteran of terrible movies.

Dennis Hopper back from the dead as a podcasting snowman?

I appreciate the mention, Ryan Sz. I still think this movie is just too much and could have easily been 30 minutes shorter. It felt like every scene was a $150 million improv bit that went on too long and would have been exceptionally hilarious if it were just edited more... aggressively. Still, there is so much insanity and excess in the film that it could easily turn into a 90 minute HDTGM episode. Maybe have multiple guests to keep the lunatic energy flowing? In any case, Matthew McConaughey is my favorite. "Do you jerk off?"

Holy crap, I watched MANTIS as a kid. This thread is a very bizarre tunnel into obscure TV productions starring African American actors that I watched as a child... except I remember enjoying MANTIS.

Yeah, 'American Hustle' had a lot of accents and stupid hair, but 'Wolf of Wall Street' is a 3-hour, 1980s-set 'Caligula' directed by the guy who brought us 'Goodfellas' and 'Raging Bull.' Tell me the fuck. Speaking of 'Wolf of Wall Street,' did that movie feel like a series of Comedy Bang Bang bits to anyone else? I felt like the characters were the kind of... people that would take advantage of Scott Aukerman's "open door policy."

Same here. What a bizarre consensus American schools seemed to have with showing their students garbage. "We should show the kids a movie about slavery. Roots? No way! Let's play this terrible time travel thing because that is educational! It has rap in it, the kids will relate. "

To be fair, 'Tropic Thunder' (I assume you're referring to that one), was directed by Ben Stiller and is pretty great, at least I think so. As for 'Envy,' I've avoided it due to its horrific reputation, but everything I've heard makes it seem like perfect fodder for this podcast. Barry Levinson's filmography does have its fair share of unbelievable garbage to balance out movies like 'The Natural' or 'Rain Man.' 'Toys' alone is enough to convince most sane people of that.

I must agree with stillstaw's analysis. It's the same kind of mentality that made TV executives look at a series like 'Lost' and think that any serialized genre show would equal millions of viewers every week. Just because there is a continuous story and "nerd" elements does mean people will tune into 'The Cape' or 'Terra Nova.'

Awesome... though anybody with a "Best Cassette" category in their year-end list really needs to kinda sorta go fuck themselves. But hey, cheers to Jake!

Since you lovely individuals enjoy The Fogelnest Files, presumably you are also users of Twitter and take some pleasure in the "weird Twitter" happenings on the social networking behemoth. As such, it seems it would be beneficial for this board and our Twitter accounts to at least make each other aware of our weird Twitter avatars. I call myself QuasarSniffer. I follow nerd celebrities and make dumb jokes. It's like real life, 140 charactes at a time. Also, stupider.