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Quasar Sniffer

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Posts posted by Quasar Sniffer

  1. Posted

    I'm guessing it's a too many chefs in the kitchen kind of thing; too many studio executives yelling about different audiences needed to be catered to, incompetent filmmakers, and marketing people going "Hey, teen vampires are still a big thing right?!?! Make more of that! TWILIGHT!"

  5. Posted

    I saw this movie. I paid to get in. You better fucking believe it.

     

    Let me just say that this movie is a piece of crap. It vacillates between playing to fans of the novel and including super-in-depth details and feeling the need to explain what a vampire is. I didn't even know the books existed before the movie came out, but it's not like I'm unfamiliar with vampire kitsch bullshit, so I wasn't lost. I mean, I post on the message boards for this fucking podcast. Also, there's this Russian character who bears a striking resemblance to Tommy Wiseau... ironically, like if Tommy Wiseau was a person and not an undead creature of the night. His accent also sounds amazingly like a less unsettling version of Wiseau's... but the guy is actually Russian. So I don't know if they tried to make him sound LESS Russian and that's the accent that came out or what, but combine it with the oodles of clumsy ADR and it's really fucking weird.

     

    Aside from all that, there's this very strange admirable quality to the movie. It's very pointedly anti-Twilight, and not just what that series does to vampire mythology. There are very blatant statements about homophobia, slut-shaming, and female helplessness, all of which had very troubling manifestations in the Twilight series. It's a youth and female empowerment movie disguised as teen B-movie schlock. It has a "be yourself" message as clear as any Disney animated film while totally dismissing that genre's usual baggage of the "princess" needing a "prince" (or anyone else) to make her journey complete. I genuinely admire its intentions, but it's just... bad. So actually, I think it would be a great episode because June would probably be able to make a fucking meal out of it on the podcast.

     

    Also, it contains a CGI creation called "psi-hounds." Holy shit.

  6. Posted

    Ok, Jake Fogelnest might be the bravest man alive. If I had a collection of video footage of myself at 16, I would fucking burn it out of pure humiliation. Do you know how many Korn t-shirts I had at 16? Several. SEVERAL! The fact that Mr. Fogelnest is willing to once again expose himself to the world, with footage of his adolescent self being silly with celebrities (and for the entertainment of podcast-listening nerds), is a truly selfless act. Well done, good sir.

    • Like 2

  8. Posted

    I think the fact that this movie has its own (great) documentary dedicated to it, its badness, and its strange cultural significance means that it is already well-trodden territory. However, if you are a fan of this podcast and have not seen this movie, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Why are you reading this inane post? Watch Troll 2!

  9. Posted

    I disagree. I think its MUCH better that they don't know the source material. That way, things that happen are that much more fucking crazy. Kind of like June not knowing Jack Frost was about a talking snowman until the transformation scene.

     

    That's why I think the best combination would be just one or two podcasters knowing the backstory (if it's something with an in-depth mythology or whatever). That way, you can have the reactions to the crazy shit on screen with no foreknowledge of what is happening, and then someone in to explain (with jokes!) why it is so shitty.

     

    Also, has there every been an episode where one or more of the hosts had no idea what movie was the subject of an episode before seeing it? Maybe Paul did that to June at some point? That could be a fun thing, even if arrangements could be made for none of the hosts being aware of the actual film, so they all go in blind.

  10. Posted

    Yeah, Street Fighter is another good example. I think, seeing it now, it's more confusing for people with a perfunctory knowledge of the game because... who are these characters who all have previous knowledge of each other? Why are they street fighters? There are no "streets" in this movie. If you have an intimate knowledge of the game, you know calling it "Street Fighter" is just a cash grab, but if you don't even know the game exists, it's just another shitty Van Damme action movie.

     

    Along the same line with Die Hard, I wonder how many people who saw Bond movies in theaters during the 1960s and 1970s were angry at the changes made from Fleming's books. "Ugh, 'Live and Let Die' is about sunken gold, not drug smuggling!"

    • Like 1

  11. Posted

    On Episodes 81 and 81.5 for 'Mortal Kombat,' the subject of whether or not our intrepid podcast hosts should be familiar with the property being adapted before watching the movie version was once again brought up. While I totally agree that these are movies and they should stand on their own, I feel that for the purpose of THIS PODCAST, it would help if one person (a host or guest) was familiar with the property being adapted. Sure, movies like 'Max Payne' or 'The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen' are shitty movies, but when you know the video game or comic they are adapted from, they become unfathomably, astronomically, more terrible. It's an almost viscerally painful experience watching them knowing how much better the original property was and how great a movie COULD have happened. Mortal Kombat is not a good film, but I think it gets worse when you recognize where something is coming from in the movie (like Liu Kang's random use of that "bicycle kick." which was mentioned in the podcast, or the fact that Reptile exists as a sort of "surprise" challenge). If nothing else, it would help the hosts discuss the movie if at least one person could account for, as Jason is so fond of asking, what is happening, or what is supposed to be happening.

     

    This is actually a subject that I'm sure concerns filmmakers. At this point, don't we all know that Batman's parents are dead, that Superman is from Kyrpton, that Harry Potter is a Wizard, or that The Force is a thing in Star Wars? But how much do you explain in the actual movie? It's also different for a sequel or another installment in a franchise, since you assume there's an interest in that property going in since you are making another one. Pretty much every joke in a Die Hard sequel is contingent on the viewer being a fan of the first movie.

     

    Most importantly, I realize this is a FREE PODCAST created and made by extremely funny humans with careers in film and television, careers that are probably a bit more lucrative and impactful than talking to nerds on the internet about crappy films. I am a person that has devoted way too much time to the history of the conflict between Scorpion and Sub-Zero and their respective ninja clans. I have problems. This podcast does not. This post is just friendly feedback from a loyal listener.

    • Like 1

  12. Posted

    Holy shit, I forgot about the Village-esque "Colony" that JCVD is sent to after the failed mission at the amusement park and his family is told that he is dead and wasn't there also a basketball parachute? This movie is so many levels of insane I can't wait to hear the episode.

     

    The movie basically turns into a remake of 'The Prisoner' for ten minutes right in the middle. What the balls?

     

    For anyone who is in the mood for next-level-bonkers 60s British TV that is astoundingly entertaining (and also about weirdly dressed secret agents!) watch that show.

     

    prisonerandrover.jpg

    • Like 1

  14. Posted

    This movie just made me sad. I remember being ON BOARD for the total fucking nutcase plot and scenario behind it. I mean, Mel Gibson playing a crazy person who adapts to mental illness via a hand puppet, all directed by Mrs. Serious Business Jodie Foster? "How Does This Get Made?" indeed. I have no idea!

     

    The result was not funny, not outlandishly crazy, nor was it heart-warming or enlightening. It seemed like the film took the most boring avenues possible and managed to make this totally insane premise result in "meh." It's like if you made a meal with anchovies, durian, and seasoned it with saffron and somehow produced a thin tasteless gruel.

  15. Posted

    Ok, I'm just watching this movie now and I see it's directed by Hark Tsui, an enormously successful Hong Kong action director. He's done several Once Upon a Time in China movies, the Detective Dee movies, a bunch of other Jet-Li films, and a ton of other stuff because (from looking at his IMDB page) they make action movies in China at the pace the US makes porn I guess. Maybe this came at a time when Hollywood saw the success of John Woo in America and wanted to replicate that?*

     

    I was never a big fan of Jet Li anyway, and the only Once Upon a Time in China movie I enjoyed was the first one, so I guess it makes sense that this movie sucks. Shit, what a weird confluence of people and topics this movie brings up. It's next level bonkers without even having to mention Van Damme!

     

    *Speaking of Van Damme AND John Woo, Woo directed Van Damme in 1993's 'Hard Target'! The interweaving gyer of this movie is making my brain hurt.

     

    hardtarget-snake.jpg

  19. Posted

    However, if that is the case (and I'm not saying that it really is), it really shows one of the problems with the movie, is the assumption that EVERYONE who watches the movie, knows the backstory. Like when Sub Zero and Scorpion are described as "mortal enemies", but it doesn't say why they're mortal enemies (Scorpion believes that Sub Zero and his clan killed Scorpion's family and clan, when they agreed to stop fighting.) So, for anyone coming into the movie cold, like Jason and June, they're not gonna know what the hell is happening.

     

    This is actually what pissed me off about the movie as a kid, even though I deluded myself into liking it at the time. Scorpion was by far my favorite character, so for this movie to acknowledge such detailed backstory in the characters, yet pay such dismissive lip service to 90% of it, was the worst of both worlds. It said, "oh yeah, there's an actual story here, but we're just gonna skip that and give you a throwaway line instead and make this fire-breathing badass hellspawn a sidekick baddie whose death does nothing but give a secondary good guy character something to fight for two minutes of screen time. Also, his arch nemesis, a fan favorite, will be killed by a bucket."

  20. Posted

    Can we have a mini-episode in which Paul lists the movies Lars Von Trier has directed and Jason just says "fucking garbage" right after each one? I would love that.

     

    Maybe if June loses a bet or something, Paul could just record her reacting to this movie or 'Dancer in the Dark' and post that audio as a bonus episode. I put in the "lose a bet" caveat because I wouldn't want to subject anyone to those movies unless they were being punished or something.

    • Like 1

  24. Posted

    God damn... Rob fucking Liefeld. His amateurish bullshit excuse for art/illustration still pisses me off. He fails on every level a comic book artists could conceivably fail at; it's not realistic, not aesthetically appealing, not titillating, not imaginative, not fantastical, Hell, it's not even good at being exploitive. It's worse than anything in this movie.

    • Like 1

  25. Posted

    Oh, I definitely can see watching one of the more terrible-in-the-slow-painful-death-way WDTGM movies at a faster speed. There's no reason one needs to take in After Earth at its intended pace, unless he or she is in to some sort of emotional masochism. I just kind of skipped around.

     

    Back to Mortal Kombat though, since this is definitely not one of THOSE movies. I mean, it's pretty terrible, but fun to actually watch. I fucking loved these games as a kid, far more than Street Fighter, but looking back on this movie with non-pre-teen eyes...good grief. Christopher Lambert plays what appears to be a "god" of Buddhist origin (what?!?!) and delivers his lines with the motivation of someone reading the fucking phone book while on a Quaalude bender. Meanwhile, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, the guy who played Shang Tsung, is committing a thousand percent in every frame he's in. It's nuts. This was all well and good when I was 12, especially since I could recite the Scorpion backstory backwards and forwards and experienced a significant mind explosion when I found out you could actually PLAY in the pit stage against Reptile if you were awesome enough, but even then I knew something was amiss.

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