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Quasar Sniffer

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Posts posted by Quasar Sniffer

  3. Posted

    Behold! Wondrous 1990s action movie garbage Conan ripoff (though, to be fair, Kull is another character created by Robert E. Howard). It is an ACTION MOVIE with Harvey Fierstein, where HARVEY FIERSTEIN utters the line, "What? No women?!?! Kull, have you got a problem?"

     

    Kevin Sorbo, star of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, a show that had about a dozen fight scenes an episode, is helped through his action/fight scenes by being under a mask (to allow for easy stuntman substitutions) and gratuitous sword-swinging slow motion (to make the choreography easier to sell). However, he does fuck Tia Carrere so good that, instead of killing him when she has the chance, she decides to keep him alive to try and make him her consort in her Evil Hell Kingdom. Remember when movies tried to make Tia Carrere famous? Good times.

     

    ALSO STARRING: Litefoot, whose IMDB page bills him as "Native American Actor, Rap Artist and Entrepreneur."

     

    Music by Joel (not Jerry) Goldsmith, whose score sounds like the unused guitar tracks from a Disturbed album.

     

    Produced by Raffaella (not Dino) Laurentiis, who was able to provide ample mullet wigs in exchange for a budget.

     

    Special effects by ACADEMDY AWARD WINNER and effects supervisor of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, Kit West.

     

    My Favorite Conan Ripoff Moment: When our hero is covered in camel bodily fluids for comedic effect.

    • Like 1

  5. Posted

    Pete Holmes shouldn't feel bad for thinking that Leelee Sobieski might be blind. I got that impression too, from the exact scene he mentioned. I just dismissed it and thought that it might have been a cut plot line from a very early version of the movie or something. Or just because NOTHING in this movie makes sense.

    • Like 1

  6. Posted

    Jack O'Halloran must be real tough, what with threatening accountants and Juilliard graduates and avoiding traffic tickets because of who his dad was.

    Don't get me wrong, I thought the episode was great, it's just that O'Halloran seems to be... embellishing his stories in order to sell his book, which is fine. It's clearly being marketed as a pure novel by the publisher, so characterizing it as non-fiction strikes me as misleading. I'm not claiming I know his life story, just that he strikes me as one of those guys who tells great stories, but you take what he says with a grain of salt.

  8. Posted

    A shitty movie, indeed, but more of the MST3K variety. I guess that gets to the question of what you want the podcast to be. Personally, I think the podcast works best when skewering awful studio films like The Smurfs or The Last Airbender. Those movies have hundreds of millions of dollars to be good, Troma films have about twenty bucks.

  9. Posted

    A shitty movie, indeed, but more of the MST3K variety. I guess that gets to the question of what you want the podcast to be. Personally, I think the podcast works best when skewering awful studio films like The Smurfs or The Last Airbender. Those movies have hundreds of millions of dollars to be good, Troma films have about twenty bucks.

  10. Posted

    Foxtrot's video is an example why I adore (not "like," per se, but have affection for) this movie. I don't like Timberlake and I don't like The Killers and I don't indulge in any sort of drug, but that musical number is so fucking ridiculous in its very conception, that I can't help but love whatever whacked-out, hallucinogen-induced logic that contributed to its existence. Southland Tales is like the Crank 2 of arthouse movies. Yes please.

  11. Posted

    Foxtrot's video is an example why I adore (not "like," per se, but have affection for) this movie. I don't like Timberlake and I don't like The Killers and I don't indulge in any sort of drug, but that musical number is so fucking ridiculous in its very conception, that I can't help but love whatever whacked-out, hallucinogen-induced logic that contributed to its existence. Southland Tales is like the Crank 2 of arthouse movies. Yes please.

  12. Posted

    The fact that this movie and Titanic made ungodly amounts of money with such formulaic nonsense kind of makes me hate humans. Also, Avatar's success, along with that of the Transformers movies, kind of proves America loves racism. Eviscerate the fuck out of this movie. Please.

  13. Posted

    The fact that this movie and Titanic made ungodly amounts of money with such formulaic nonsense kind of makes me hate humans. Also, Avatar's success, along with that of the Transformers movies, kind of proves America loves racism. Eviscerate the fuck out of this movie. Please.

  16. Posted

    On the one hand, I hate anyone telling me what I can and can't say. On the other hand, my mom told me this story once when I was complaining about PC stuff I thought bullcrap. In college (this was in the 70s), she would go jogging and people would yell shit out of their cars as they drove by like, "hey bitch, wanna get screwed?!?!" You know, PC can't be ALL bad if it stopped people from saying shit like that to random women. Of course, I know it hasn't stopped everyone from saying that stuff, but still.

    I am also keenly aware that describing something as "retarded" is a different matter entirely from directly insulting someone. I also feel that people have the right to think whatever they want, even if they find something I do offensive. Simultaneously, I feel they should maybe grow a pair and let it go. So... um... I guess this post is just a series of thoughts curving back on themselves? You're welcome?

  17. Posted

    On the one hand, I hate anyone telling me what I can and can't say. On the other hand, my mom told me this story once when I was complaining about PC stuff I thought bullcrap. In college (this was in the 70s), she would go jogging and people would yell shit out of their cars as they drove by like, "hey bitch, wanna get screwed?!?!" You know, PC can't be ALL bad if it stopped people from saying shit like that to random women. Of course, I know it hasn't stopped everyone from saying that stuff, but still.

    I am also keenly aware that describing something as "retarded" is a different matter entirely from directly insulting someone. I also feel that people have the right to think whatever they want, even if they find something I do offensive. Simultaneously, I feel they should maybe grow a pair and let it go. So... um... I guess this post is just a series of thoughts curving back on themselves? You're welcome?

  20. Posted

    Ahhh, come on. I'm never going to say this movie is exactly good, but it's not terrible either. There are major structural problems and way too many of the jokes are merely Star Wars references (many of which stretch the definition of the word "joke"). Still, I think it has its own kind of charm, as it seems to have been made with genuine enthusiasm and effort. Would I watch it again? No. I don't hate it either. From Transformers 2 to Birdemic, there are plenty of more suitable candidates for "worst movie."

  24. Posted

    Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, starring none other than Nicolas Cage! Sure, it won't come out until 2012, but I think this movie should have a reserved seat for the How Did This Get Made? podcast.

    Here's an interview where the directors and some of the actors involved talk about how "weird" and dark it's supposed to be:
    http://collider.com/comic-con-ghost-rider-2-nicolas-cage-idris-elba-interview/105965/

    Whatever. It's going to be nuts. If Cage is killing something in an R-rated movie (Season of the Witch, Drive Angry), it's probably worth seeing/making fun of. Add the Crank directors to this and it's too good(?) to be true.

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