ChaseRoper

If @JoseCanseco is sure he'll pass a polygraph, then do it. No need to intimidate your accuser via the internet. P.S. rape a bag of dicks.

Just heard someone referr to her yogurt as being "so savory!" Strawberry is a sweet not a savory, DUMMY. She was a 2nd grader.

Video: This seems like a good way to teach some grammar to my kids. “A comma and fucking dot. Semicolon!” http://t.co/6zXlDqMKJb

my dryer will only blow cold air so I GIVE UP UNIVERSE YOU WIN

I'll be doing stand-up in Olympia WA on 6/9. Come on out and support me and the local comedy scene! (mostly me) https://t.co/iIsDFp0ZId

Oreos cooked in between cookie dough and brownie mix topped with choc cool whip frosting. #nomnomnom http://t.co/yrATNTGdX6

I just lined a baking dish with cookie dough, stacked Oreos on top of it, then covered it all with brownie mix and nobody can stop me!

Ooook-lahoma, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain - JK!

“@SimonCowell: the new f type jag looks ugly to me. Why didn't they revise the e type. The most beautiful car ever.” Highly relatable tweet.

Miley Cyrus just eye-rolled Justin Bieber and I kind of think she's my favorite now.

Although this picture doesn't reflect it, @AndyKindler makes some more than decent finger pointing choices with his acting in Maron.

Also, here's a picture of my dad. http://t.co/LfHXnPgQuK

kiddos are watching/listening to @rikilindhome on Monster v Aliens. Told them I've met her. They think I mean Susan. http://t.co/nrd7RAZCP8

Dr. Bunson Honeydew is @hodgman in Muppet form.

Dr. Teeth of The Electric Mayhem is the O.G. P-I-M-P.

My wife just told me that @nickkroll is dating Amy Poehler. Yay for love you guys.

I'm planning a park playdate/live Stay at Home Dad Cast event for Olympia, WA in July. Want to sponsor for kid snacks and drinks? DM me!

Welcome to the Roper House of Horrors! Where children are brutally forced to clean their own rooms! http://t.co/pCKvtNwiUB

Final kill cam. @indoorkids emblem in action. https://t.co/coj2bYsBqh

Photo: I had all kinds of great study notes that my son clearly didn’t give a FUCK about. #biblestudy http://t.co/HVx0WGaWxw

Photo: 1 2 3 Jump! BUS!! #busstop http://t.co/QGdGJoyE1d

Photo: Me in my first car. 1970 Ford Falcon Futura. I called it the Tick Mobile. #tbt http://t.co/h22hjDKhOO

Photo: Not sure when my kids decided they could make requests of the Tooth Fairy, but it keeps happening. http://t.co/pUmg6W8hE7

Jeff Outdoorsman, Nature Expert, showing some beautiful foliage. https://t.co/9kIxGEI26k

In case you missed it yesterday, here's the latest episode with returning friend of the show, Matt Debenham! http://t.co/aWQlynn3fG