ChaseRoper

"As you know, in the marriage world, one day you are in. The next you are out. Seal, you are out. Auf wiedersehen" - Heidi Klum

"Bitch fucking shit moron!" - According to my delightful 7yo, this is what kind of dad I am. I love him. http://t.co/KQxd2EGT

"Call Me Maybe" - Maebe Funke

"Chase didn't tweet at all today. I really miss him. Hope he's ok!" - nobody. #passiveaggression

"each picture taken lowers the users @klout score by -1." #NewInstagramTOS

"For Halloween, I want to be Black Woman from Spider-Man." - My Daughter. http://t.co/YkbqENII

"Getting the wiggles out" before big brother's basketball game. http://t.co/Dk1IDforlv

"Go fuck yourself, Quinoa." - Rice

"God is an invisible guy who likes to make people die." - my 6yo

"Happy Birthday to Faul McCartney!" - my 13yo

"Happy Pi Day!" - guy who's bad at math. #me

"hi, I'd like to sell this rare piece of history so I can go gamble." -- #pawnstars

"I beat Mike Tyson's Punch Out on the first try - no codes." - Paul Ryan.

"I didn't forget to shave all week. I consciously decided to grow a beard." - thing I convinced myself just now.

"I didn't see that coming." - Not a Psychic

"I really enjoy the work of @JohnRossBowie but not enough to watch an episode of Monk." - Me.

"I say - I say - I say - I say 'I say'a lot" - Foghorn Leghorn #IsayThatAlot

"I told a baby it was ugly as fuck. Right to its ugly fucking face." - @nikkiglaser on my tv. #wokemywifefromlaughing

"I'm going to The Punisher all over your Look Who's Talking, Too!" - John 'bad at movie references' Travolta

"It's been fun getting to know Ted Nugent. He's the right height." - Mitt Romney

"My dad's famous for saying the word 'yes' wrong." - Dave Hester's kids. cc: @davethemogul

"Neighbors called cops 2 yrs ago when they saw a naked woman crawling around back yard — officers dismissed it as a prank." Cleveland PD FTW

"Nice job mixin that spoonful of bacon fat into those ground turkey burgers, ya'll." - Paula Deen if she were in my kitchen right now.

"Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger. Unless we're talking about my girlfriend @kimkardashian." - @kanyewest

"oh you meticulously placed this blanket in my bed?" #puppygate http://t.co/SZioTetI