ChaseRoper

"This is against my beliefs!" - new favorite thing to yell during sex. Thanks to @SexNerdSandra's awesome podcast.

"Parents should hold kids accountable for cleaning their own rooms!" - I think to myself as I defeatedly clean their room and hate myself.

"Time for me to get obsessed and start fucking with things that I don't understand." - @marcmaron / this will be my morning mantra.

Wait, Super Nerd is NOT one of my options? http://t.co/1Ery2gBE

How do I explain to my daughter that my mom is bat shit crazy?

AGREED RT: @EliBraden One of the 5 funniest women on Twitter #FF RT @StephanieClient: "I'm not really comfortable with the C-word."- Cunts

Photo: mattbraunger: One of these kids grew up to steal away Rebecca Romijn from John Stamos. Clue: it’s the... http://t.co/n94R58En

Hey! I'm featured on the @StitcherRadio Welcomes page! Go download the app and check it out!

This seems too soon, but Jason Russell released an updated video. Check it out. -- http://t.co/Ok9eMwK9

What if Jason Russell is Kobayishi and Joseph Kony is Kaiser Soze?

It's snowing?! I'm pretty sure Mother Nature is hung over.

You can't *let* your boy w/ Aspergers beat you at Sorry. He will question every *bad* move you make.

Searching obituaries for my biological father whom I've never met and who's last name I can't spell. Yeah, it's going to be that kind of day

Besides duct tape & a closet? “@Todaysparent: Does your child have "interruptitis"? Find out how to deal with it - http://t.co/LMvbnpin”

$98 seems a bit much for an Easter dress but it's the minimum price for any dress my 4yo is interested in.: http://t.co/uHWVksf8

Sometimes, wives don't want you to sext them while their at work.

Terremoto en México! Oh, Dios mío! Eso es un montón de bibliotecas temblor!

Just called a place that my biological father supposedly worked at. He's got other kids & a wife. Also, turns out he's dead. Weird day!

RT and Fav if you get pretty depressed and start hating Twitter after going a couple days without getting any RT's or Fav's.

Just rubbed hand sanitizer on an open cut. If you need me, I'll be fighting off the urge to kill myself to escape the pain.

Help this guy buy kickstarter. RT @shahruz_: FUND THIS. http://t.co/hVOqFiPI

12yo wasn't thrilled with me replacing all his Disturned, Slayer, Megadeath with @TMBG. Until today when he's singing along to Dinner Bell.

These yogurt covered raisins would be better if the yogurt was chocolate and the raisins were gone.

I just can't think up a good etch-a-sketch tweet. [pours sand into laptop, closes it and shakes]

If any of you play Draw Something and use obscene pics and/or cheat, add me! User: ChaseRoper