Henry

So, I heard about that job checking mouths for soda and figured that I finally found something that I'd want to go back to school for. It's my first day and so far I've just been looking at the pictures in the text book. One of the first chapters is about all the tricky mouth pocket hiding places.

The scene where the albino child beauty pageant contestant whips the loaf of bread to bits with a wire coat hanger while down in the subway station and singing "Summertime Blues" felt a little out of place, but over all I think Korine did a marvelous job with the film.

This for when my face when: I've run out of podcasts to listen to, but gradually sense Tuesday approaching, and with it a new episode of Hollywood Handbook. I might have recently embraced chaos for chaos' sake.

I've already tried my luck explaining my "WiFi? Because Fi." and "Speak on that" t-shirts. The response has consistently been a slightly insincere "Oh... cool." I'm sure it's not the t-shirts' fault, but rather my ineptitude as a t-shirt explainer.

I finally bought an "I love you" shirt. I can't wait to wear it and then fail to find a way to clearly explain it to people who ask what it's about.

I was revisiting the ADPPP this week and pulled into work during the end of this episode. I was playing it through the stereo in my car, opened the door and went to get some stuff out of the trunk and watched as my coworker walked past while Chip and Tip loudly attempted to summon Satan. I'm glad to know that word will get around work that I'm super cool and rock n' roll and stuff.

That car is quite beautiful. You know there was a time when my life was without direction. I looked all over for meaning and purpose and eventually gave up and turned to hard drugs. Then one day as if someone was watching over me there was a knock on my door. It was my friend and he wanted to know if I wanted to come over and watch The Dark Knight with him. As a kid my parents were really into Batman, so I had obviously heard about him, but never really spent the time to learn more about him or try to get to know him myself. Now my life is completely different, except for the drugs part. I gain strength and hope from Batman and it's all thanks to that fateful knock on the door 3 weeks ago.

Look, I know it's old news by now, but Bob Dylan really goofed today. He accidentally tweeted this and then deleted it shortly after realizing what he had done. Luckily I screenshot it while it was still up.

I promise to keep it a clean and orderly race. As long as you don't accuse me of being so serious. I'm only moderately serious at most.

I haven't seen any of The Star Wars, but I did some quick research by some Google image searches. It looks like a pretty wild ride. First you got the classic characters we all love, the tall polite golden robot, the squatty beepy one, and the newer ball robot. Then there are a few new surprises, but still familiar faces. Gandalf has been brought in to spice things up as well as the dark haired bad guy from Harry Potter. I think we can expect some impressive neon sword fights and heart pounding space ship fights where the space ships shoot lasers. In my opinion The Star Wars is a great movie and I can't wait for the next one! 5 bags of popcorn

My whip is a rare '92 Honda Batmobile named "The Vixen". It's got road surface access through a hole in the floorboard so you can tell what kind of traction you're getting and sometimes fumes make their way in from the engine if you turn the heater on, but that's just so you can smell how good the engine is performing. It's got vintage hand crank windows and the handle on the passenger side comes off easily for maximum aerodynamicness. The stereo was stolen a couple years ago, but the back seat is now outfitted with a portable Panaphonics CD player boom box. It's battery powered so you can take the party with you wherever you want. The lid that you open to put CDs in is stuck for some reason so you can only listen to the radio or that one Blink 182 album with the picture of the nurse on the cover because I bought it used from Craigslist and that's what was in it. It's pretty much their most popular album though.

I could tell that the horny girl wolf didn't really get the show and wasn't quite in on the joke this episode.

Starbucks isn't even trying to hide it anymore. It looks like they've finally come out and made an official declaration of war on the holidays.

We at least know that red is Christmas because red is Santa and he's a major proponent of Christmas. Even going as far as encouraging people to marry it.

I've never celebrated Christmas so tomorrow is just "The one day Jack in the Box is closed" day. I would really like some french fries, but Santana doesn't want me to be on his happy birthday list because I don't believe in him or whatever. It's fine, I have a potato, a breadknife, and a microwave, so happy merry holidays day to me. Mmm nom nom, french fries nom nom

I can still remember some of those rules. Such as: Have eggs, gobble that seed Also, I think they changed something and your pic has to be below a certain size. I got it to finally work by resizing it to 149x149

I just found out that I'll be living the slow moving boat life to Seattle this Saturday. I'd see if you wanted to meet up for drinks again, but it sounds like you're out of town. Also I'm going to be heading there at like 10:30 AM and it would feel like I've got a serious problem if I were drinking that early. I'll still try to have a good time even though the Water World pee pee machines on the Washington State ferries leave much to be desired.

I know it's shocking news about The Black Satan Metallica Stones of Rock and Also Roll. Thankfully our manager had some good foresight and had recently not only insured our lives, but also purchased our burial plot. Yes, that's right, a singular burial plot. Turns out it's a lot less expensive and "better for the environment" to put us all into one big grave than dig several smaller graves. Also, it will be very symbolic of our connection as a band if we share a grave, at least that's what our manager said. They're even going to wait to cover us over until Weiser dies so that he can join us before we technically get "buried" which is quite thoughtful. Of course our bodies haven't been found yet so nothing has been confirmed, but our life insurance policies should more than cover the funeral costs to our manager if they ever are.

So I found this picture to post in defense of Vintent. As their conversation clearly shows, Kevin James and Adam Sandler are hanging out and talking about how many doughnuts Kevin can eat. It is a lot! I got your back, Vintent, wherever you are. It honestly took some guts to call in. (As you can see this image has been slightly edited. For some reason it was nearly impossible for me to find a picture of Kevin James even holding a doughnut, or eating anything. There are tons of Kevin Smith handing out doughnuts, though.)

I just received this leaked photo from inside Earwolf. I really don't know why C*dy (censored to protect him or her) needed to take a picture and then screenshot it before sending it, but that's fine. He or she isn't great with tech sometimes. Apparently the new Earwolfman Jack clone ad was quite a hit with Scott. So much so that it is now the official ad copy for every podcast. It must be his enjoyment of word play humor. Seems like a weird choice to have everyone refer to themselves as this new Earwolfman, he's got a very distinct voice. I know I'll be able to tell whenever it is or not really him.

I've been stuck waiting in my car for the past couple of hours. I've been alone with a pizza, which ain't so bad, heheh. Here are my notes from this episode. •Hayes drops into dunk tank and it gets hot in the sunlight. He churns the water solid with his struggling. Flies out too fast and lands in cake. •Collecting "The Characters" like pokey mans. They must always really be laughing, but they're serious. •Arlo Guthrie literally murders fascists with broken pieces of guitars. •Let's shoot the film in the candy aisle of a CVS, Dogme 95 style. "Dogma" didn't come out in '95, but Dogstar was a band in '95. •How do Kate and John know how to perform snappy and fast with each other? It's highly coreographed. •Young writers are important because of their Duck Tales and Back to the Future references. Also Mario Kart, what would Yoshi do? •Sean's roll: he's naturally funny occasionally. Hayes' roll: it's just math to him. He went to every Second City school to study. Later traveled around starting new Second City schools. •Prone: you're on the tummy zone. •Supine: soup's on! •Kate is like Sean, naturally funny and untrained because Tisch School for the Arts is a mean school. Hayes' suggests a Second City multi level marketing scheme. •Sean went to Harvard, did mushrooms with Woody Harrelson, and gets everything handed to him now. •Marc Summers is OCD and hosted a sloppy show with a booger nose slide. •Making dancing plans. Kate: "2:30..." Hayes: "Time to go to the dentist." He reads books where he gets snappy answers. They demonstrate. Sean: "Are those your muscles?" Hayes: "uh... No... Uh... They're..." Sean: "like pet turtles or something?" Hayes: "No, somebody's building sand castles on my arm." Kevin ruined it by walking in while Hayes was talking. •Back to dancing, dance party somewhere unexpected like a laundromat or a park or a funeral. •What if Kate dies? What will John tweet? •Sean and Hayes almost killed each other for a while from passing an infection back and forth. If Sean dies Hayes will be a little sad for years, if Hayes dies Sean will be very sad for about 45 minutes and almost even cry. •John fights back tears. Sean and Hayes are excited to get some good emotional reaction. John gets over it, and doesn't cry after all, but he still "made it weird." •What's god? A fuckin' apple or something? What's religion? Hayes: "Yeah, we just go!", but not into the mic as much as Pete. •If Uncle John dies Kate's children will automatically get straight A's in college. •Sean got into Harvard really easy because his dad is a professor in another college in Boston and they'll just let you in for that reason alone. •John was raised religious while also understanding that he is gay. He was aware of his sexuality when he jerked off to gay porn. •Hayes knew he was straight when he was a little horny baby. He was also jerking off to gay porn and thought "I don't know if this is for me." •Kate knew she was half Jewish when she was in Hebrew school and wasn't as into the Torah as everyone else, and also thought "what about Christmas?" •Sean knew he was straight when he watched the pilot of "Crashing", saw Pete Holmes having straight sex, and thought "I could do that... Wait a minute, if this guy can do it, I could pull this off. I think I got this thing." He says he's getting close to having sex with his wife Steffi. •Some talk about being in post. Kate calls John "Edit Bae" because he loves it so much. •Chef Kevin has just been chilling. He took a couple of pictures, he does it during every show. •Kate has been thinking of having her own podcast, she should hire Kevin as a producer. Maybe some of The Characters can appear on her show. •Lauren's character as Pete's ex-wife on Crashing didn't appear in her episode of The Characters and vice versa. That made Sean pissed! •(at this moment I decided to drive around the block and fill the tank with gas, I did not take notes and drive. From recollection there was a discussion about what is and isn't ok to joke about at a dinner table. Kate can handle anything as long as it's not about her appearance or her family. Hayes suggests they just joke about food. Sean might order a stuffed flounder, and Kate would say "who invited their wife?" or something. Sean has to take it on the chin. Bill Burr can't order a Denver omelette anymore.) •Louie sometimes moves his closer to the opener. Some people don't understand why that's a big deal, but it totally is. Sean has to explain why to people, and that also pisses him off. •Wrapping up, the guests have red carpets to get ready for. They suggest that everyone watch their Gotham Award nominated Vimeo series "555" •Hayes warns that the awards ceremony sounds like the perfect place for the Joker to show up and introduce chaos. Also, suggests that they don't breath in the green gas and even to leave the room because it's often Joker toxin/knock out gas. Or it makes you laugh so hard you don't know where you are and the Joker can change your clothes.

If anyone knows me, they know I'm already halfway into doing this.

I wish I could have called in. I think me fumbling with my words with a healthy dose of awkward silences thrown in here and there would have added a certain flavor to this episode. Oh, mell... Oops, I mean "mell"... I mean "well"! And that's just a little taste of the kind of thing everyone would have felt like fast forwarding through. Maybe next time.

I just realized... The number I dialed also works as 1-800-FAPWOKE. It's a phone sex line for people who want to be told that they know what's really going on. Hopefully Earwolf will put out a disclaimer.

I called 1-800-EARWOLF and got charged $2.00 for the first minute and only 49¢ for each additional minute. I don't know who I talked to, but it definitely wasn't Sean and Hayes. She kinda seemed to be coming on to me a little too strong.