Henry

KEVIN!!!

Ugh, they didn't even tell me

I worked up the lyrics to the new hit song "I Believe I See the Lighthouse". The rhyming scheme isn't consistent, but I was under pressure by our agent to get anything out. I believe I see the lighthouse It shines out o'er the waves To guide me safely through the rocks The hull and crew to save If we hit them rocks we'd surely sink And reach our watery graves I believe I see the lighthouse Shining o'er the waves It also helps to have some citrus To avoid the devil scurvy I don't really know the symptoms But the name really unnerves me A parrot sitting on the ol' shoulder Is also for some reason needed Make sure you help it live and grow older By keeping it well feeded I believe I see the lighthouse The light is barely seen For it is only 2:00 pm And the sunlight dims it's beam As I ponder why it's lit I overlook the dangers The ship is wrecked, torn to bits Me crew be only strangers I don't mind seeing them drown I barely know them a'tall "Save ye selves, see if I care" Is my only helping call I stole this vessel just for kicks After scaling a prison wall* I believe I see the lighthouse But 'twas really no help at all *criterion collection bonus commentary: There was a scene in this song that got cut for time which explained how the narrator had been incarcerated, but subsequently broke out of an oceanside prison. He stole a large wooden ship, and though he was an inexperienced sailor he decided he knew how to be a pirate because he had been on the Pirates of the Carribean ride at Disneyland 3 times in a row and didn't even get really all that scared by the spooky skeletons. Not even one time was he really scared. Maybe a little bit, but not like a baby would be. It's ok and actually really brave to be a little scared and maybe cover your eyes for like only a second, but then still go on the ride again.

I had a good time wearing that thin veil of anonymity, but I'm back to being Henry again. As you can see, I've started to wear glasses so I see things clearly now. The forum user formally known as "..." was a fun mask to wear for a while, but it wasn't me. I hope that I can now be an inspiration to everyone to be yourself, no matter how many extra limbs someone may have (another thing I should mention, mine are not pictured in my profile) you can still feel proud to be you!

I know it's unrelated, but here's the other interview. RS: Hello Mr. Dylan. Thanks for meeting with us. BD: [in typical robot cadence] It is acceptable to be here. Query: what will the topic of our vocal interactions consist of? RS: Well, I'm sure you've heard. The rumor mill is a buzz about whether or not you are a robot. Do you have any comment? BD: It is very amusing. As a real human I have emotions and therefore the capability of expressing my amusement with laughter which I will demonstrate now. Observe. Ha... ha... ha. Such claims cause me to experience laughter because they simply do not compute. RS: That does appear to be laughter, but you can understand though why people may get that idea. Your real name is Robert Zimmerman. It's hard to ignore that "Robert" and "Robot" share many of the same letters. And the letter Z starting your last name? Aside from X that's definitely one of the most robot letters out there. BD: Foolish Earthling, I shall not continue this conversation with such accusations being placed upon me. RS: Wait, what? "Foolish Earthling" isn't even robot parlance, that's old timey alien speak. Are you a robot or not? It's a simple yes or no question. BD: [makes beeps and whirring noises, gets up, walks out of the room] RS: [smiles triumphantly] I mean, it raises lots of questions. The main one being whether Bob Dylan is a robot or an alien from some movie made in the 50s. Also, why are these interviewers so pleased with themselves when the other person walks out of the interview?

I took the time to type up the interview. It really shows everyone how great we are! RS: So, I've noticed that you've been promoting The Black Satan Metallica Stones of Rock and Also Roll recently. What about their work speaks to you? JW: It's really the most breathtaking art I've ever experienced. I remember first hearing they're [sic] music. It was so incredible that I made a sound like this: [Jack then makes a giggle/shrieking noise and claps his hands rapidly like an overstimulated child]. RS: Wow, that is quite a joyous noise! I think our readers will immediately run out and buy all their music and go to every one of their shows after reading that. [i then do a wink at my notes, hoping the readers receive it from me and my position in this interview]. JW: Well, they definitely should if they want to live a happy and fulfilling life. RS: Tell me, what about the band speaks to you so freagin' hard? JW: Well first off, I love any instrument made from meat so Greggy's meat flute work really struck a chord with me. RS: [Laughs] Pun intended? JW: Actually, no. While I do love to make music themed puns, that wasn't one because you don't play chords on a flute. RS: Well, what if you held a flute and strummed a guitar chord with the end of it? Technically you'd be playing a chord with a flute, correct? JW: Sure, I guess that counts. RS: Thank you. I accept your apology. JW: I never apologised nor do I feel like I needed to. Nobody ever plays guitar like that. RS: Certainly throughout the history of mankind's existence somebody has tried it at least once. You can't deny that. JW: Ok, I guess so... What are we talking about? RS: We were talking about the band The Black Satan Metallica Stones of Rock and Also Roll, and then I explained to you why it's possible to play a chord with a flute and you admitted that you were wrong. JW: Right... Um, yeah I really like that band. Brown's rainstick work is unmatched in music today, and you combine that with Jack's raindrop cheek poke? It's incredible. You got nohorseman's key shredding skills, Cisco playing the smallest tambourine you can imagine while getting some immense sound, ... hammering those bells, urinalcake spitting dobro riffs into your face, Ostrich rocking out on the ol' Hoover, Vitamin sending out them good healthy vibes, mwn taking the whole world for a spin, and Weiser always keeps you guessing. RS: Sounds like they have a successful career in music ahead of them, and that you admit that you can play a chord with a flute. Thank you so much, Jack. JW: I don't know why that's so important to you, but fine. You can technically play a "chord" with a flute if you use the end of a flute as a sort of cumbersome guitar pick. RS: That's all I was saying. I work for a music magazine you know. I'm familiar with how musical instruments work. I'd have loved to hear more about what makes this ragtag group of music rebels speak to you, but you kind of derailed things a bit with all that flute stuff. Can we try to get back to the conversation and talk like adults now? JW: [sighs, gets up, and walks out of the room] RS: [smiles triumphantly] So, Jack's musical knowledge about the flute may be a little embarrassing, but at least he's giving us some seriously mad props. That can go a long way. Keep it going and keep it rocking and rolling!

We're already getting some awesome exposure, guys!

I'd like to play at The Fun House in Seattle. I been there and it has a big scary clown head above the entrance. Scary clowns are in the zeitgeist these days so that alone should draw a crowd. Then of course the one that's already a given would be the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame at our induction ceremony. Then as far as international I'd go with The Stockholm Dome. I hear it seems like a terrible venue at first, but after a while you grow to love it.

Started listening again. I remember Hayes' spooky witch hat, I also remember watching Vampire's Kiss so I'd know what they were talking about. It was all almost too scary, except that scene where Nick Cage does the alphabet. That scene was good for kids and people who just want to revisit childhood memories. I'm glad to know Sean was invited to hang around to watch Hayes get lots of laughs and applause.

By the way, the rash is coming along great, Scott. Keep it up, proud of you buddy!

I agree that it was very rude of Scott and Brett to interrupt the show with their personal phone calls like they did. Even so, I still love Scott and I love Brett and I love Sean and I love Hayes and I'm in love with all of them. Though we may disagree about the episode being good or bad I still liked the comment because I have to like everything. Also, if Hayes keeps turning him down I'll step up and offer to be best friends with Kevin.

I'm going to give this a thorough listen. I'll enjoy it and report my findings post haste.

I may just be dreaming, but I hope someday we elect a Santa who laughs like Woody Woodpecker. As a matter of fact I just realized that Woody Woodpecker's laugh is probably the only laugh you can replicate on a musical instrument. I'm going to get a finger dipping bowl ready and hit the glass harmonica until I figure it out!

Listen, we have a lot of fun around here, but for just a second let's consider something serious. Do you think they changed Santa's laugh to "ho ho ho" because it would seem somewhat terrible to show him saying "ha ha ha"? It would kind of feel evil villain like, right? "Ha ha ha, just you try to make it on my good list! Mwah ha ha!" I added a "mwah" to back up my claims, but it's hard to argue that "ha" was changed to "ho" for dishonest reasons to begin with so I think all is fair. Now imagine a stranger breaking into your house saying "ha ha ha". It doesn't matter if they're just there to leave presents, it's scary. The results of this study should prove that "ha ha ha" (the normal acceptable way to show jolly laughter) was replaced with "ho ho ho" in order to sell Coca Cola, polar bears, and Home Alone movie franchises. I rest my case.

I hope Hayes knows that his humble pronunciation of the word "often" didn't go by unappreciated. Since hearing about Will Smith calling out all those phoney prudes over it, I've been rolling my eyes and doing like a sarcastic bow to anyone who forces a T sound into that word. Usually saying "Ooooh, 'off ten' I'm sooo impressed." Then as I raise back up from the bow I usually shake my head and say under my breath "unbelievable".

For my cover I have to go with Karlheinz Stockhausen's "Mikrophonie I", but definitely not "Mikrophonie II"! That one was a total cash grab obviously released in the hopes of capitalizing on the success of original hit. For that cover I think we just set all the instruments out and throw a bunch of metal trash can lids at them or something. I'm not exactly sure, I haven't seen the sheet music yet. My original will be a sea shanty entitled "I Believe I See the Lighthouse" and the lyrics will seem like a metaphorical poem about someone or something being a guiding light in one's life, but in actuality it's just full of helpful tips for maritime navigation. Then at the end it's revealed to be daytime anyway so the lighthouse ends up being kind of an unnecessary observation. Even so, the ship still wrecks because I heard tragic endings sell better.

Well gosh darn it to heck. They already sold out of the "I love you" t-shirts. Until they get more I'm going to have to just wear a grey t-shirt inside out and hope people think I'm being loved and being in loved with. Just to make it seem real I'll preemptively offer the information every once in a while. I also don't want people to think I'm a weirdo who wears their shirts inside out for no reason so I'll point to the areas I imagine their faces will be and explain "I swear that they're looking at me. They love me and they're in love with me. If you let them love you too we can hug. They will kiss each other twice at the same time." I'll say it in the most serious tone of voice as possible so that it sounds more believable that it's a real HH t-shirt. I'll even explain how I'm going to cut the tag off and send it to Kevin. If they're regular Google users they'll likely respond with "That creepy MMA fighter?", and I'll nod and say "Also hard wood floor ruiner." I'm already so excited imagining all the friends I'm going to make! And I swear I'll buy a genuine t-shirt when they become available again.

I finally got caught up, and now I understand this new comic book flavored promotional ad that I'd recently seen on the Harry's Razors website. It's totally bad ass and rad, but it looks like they're using this candy cane thing to ease their customers into the idea of eating razors again. Sure, I fell for it once or twice in the past, but they ain't tricking this guy into eating razors ever again! Even if that handle does look really super yummy. I at least hope Sean and Hayes are getting a big payday out of this since Harry's has apparently decided to adopt Santa Man as their official mascot.

Well, I know what Chris plays. We call that instrument "hard to get". Don't worry urinalcake, he'll come around

Well then get ready for an in-rock-ulation!

I mean, come on. I dare you to not tap a toe or two to this jam

I'm sure it's obvious by now, but my preferred genre is punk chamber fusion with a touch of TV commercial jingles. And my musical guilty pleasure is the ol' hambone.

My musical instruments of choice have got to be the glass harmonica, tubular bells, and guitar. And my strongest musical influences are the theme song to "Unsolved Mysteries" as well as the sweet sounds of birds chirping in the morning... oh, and Coldplay. I only know the song "Yellow", but what a tune that baby is!

I love getting told my bit is loved, but I'm not liking that because it seemed sarcastic :b (jk I did anyway)

Agh, I just miss the days of the forums, that's all. This place is almost dead right now anyway, who cares.