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Henry

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Posts posted by Henry

  2. Posted

    Wow! It was an honor just to compete, but it's a thrill to have this wicked awesome crown! At first I thought it was a normal everyday bejeweled crown, but on closer inspection I found that it also has a built-in bottle opener on one side and a USB port on the other side. It's like a Swiss Army crown, stylish and practical! Everyone raced a good race and this crown is dedicated to all of you.

    • Like 5

  3. Posted

    Hey, everyone. I just remembered... Starting tomorrow I'll be spending some time at a haunted castle. It's true, and I may not be up on ghost facts, but from what I've seen in movies, I'm maybe 100% sure that ghosts want to try kill people by means of mirror based jump scares and several other tactics. I'll do my best to avoid mirrors, slowly opening doors, and anyone who says "come play with me". If I turn up dead on the forums please avenge my death by either secretly killing the offending ghost (do it secretly so you don't get in trouble, I don't know what the statutes of limitations are on murdering if they're already dead) or by getting the ghost arrested so that it goes to jail forever. Thank you, and goodbye. If I don't get ghost murdered I'll be back soon.

    • Like 6

  9. Posted

    Even though there was no "official" claim to begin with, I sure hope sriracha eventually comes after Frank's Red Hot sauce for putting their "I put it on EVERYTHING" idea in their ads.

     

    Bonus bad move: Frank's Red Hot sauce ads depict a swear being used by an elderly woman. Thankfully the swear is bleeped so we don't have to hear it. Yes, of course the idea of an old woman using that kind of language is a never-ending gold mine of shocking humor, but this time they've gone a little too far with combining it with claims that rightfully belong to a different hot sauce. Shock value may be enough sell to kids, but not me!

    • Like 4

  10. Posted

    I'm actually an old hand at the ol' death races, and even though I've toned down the death stuff these days I was quite a force to be reckoned with back in the 90s. So much so that they even made a biographical video game series about my life. The first one was the only accurate one, and I disavow the way I was portrayed in the follow ups.

     

    UoKBwfo.png

     

    I'm obviously not the same person anymore which may explain how at the final stretch I fell for the classic "Um, excuse me. I just need to sneak by really quick." racing move. I responded with "Oh, of course. Pardon me." moved aside and then realized what happened. I did an "oh, shucks" style snap of my fingers and gave a "you got me!" style chuckle. The Ostrich masterfully implemented the move, and I tip my hat to he and everyone on a fantastic death race.

    • Like 7

  13. Posted

    thanks to all the fans who showed up to support the racers at the Wolfcool Invitational Drag Racing Championship in Handbook County. Henry & The Vixen edged out mwn to take the win with a record top speed of 248.98 mph. Dana, Hayzie Bone & Clem Dawg were reppin hard but Ricky Bobby DQ'd in the prelims when his cougar got onto the track. only two events remain before we crown the HHFFSRL series points champion, standings will be posted next week

     

    1%20Wolfcool%20Invitational%20title%20A.jpg

     

    Here's some helpful tips to my fellow racers.

     

    1) Drill holes through both the front and rear windshield to reduce air resistance.

     

    2) Fill your tires with helium, but not too much or your wheels will barely even touch the road. You gotta maintain some contact with the asphalt.

     

    3) Yelling "vroom" will make you feel like you're going really really fast. It doesn't necessarily help, but it certainly doesn't hurt.

     

    4) Most importantly: have fun!

     

    5) Second most importantly: Safety I guess, like a seatbelt or whatever, if you want.

    • Like 6

  24. Posted

    I mean, have you ever seen Bob Dylan and a robot in the same room at the same time? Sure, I've been to plenty of parties where both have appeared, but never together. Something always happens. Bob Dylan will explain that he can't have a drink because drinks have too much liquid in them, then he'll check his phone (which doesn't even look like it's on) and be like "I must accept this request for interaction." He leaves, but then five minutes later... what do you know? A robot comes in! He inevitably goes and picks up a guitar and plays "The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll" in it's entirety, and then says "Oops, I shouldn't have done that!" and then rolls out of the room. A few minutes later Bob Dylan walks back in and says "Hello fellow gatherers. I just heard that a robot accidentally played one of my songs. That makes me want to react unpleasantly towards it because I hate robots. I'm glad I'll never be a robot nor have I ever been." What happens next? Start at the beginning of this paragraph. It's literally the same, beat by beat over and over again until he says "yawnsound.mp4, I should be getting to sleep mode."

    • Like 3
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