xoValeriexo

This is actually very good, I'm sorry I tried to hurt you.

Don't worry, we won't look.

devscoots is the new mean guy in the forum and I am loving it. Keep it up, brother. Except don't be mean to me. I'm a nice girl. What the hell did I ever do to you? I'm leaving - get your fucking hands off me. Fine, I'll come back.

I've missed you squoopy doops. And this post helps me remember why.

I knew we are all just too stupid to get it. Thanks, Sillylilly! Don't forget I'm coming for you! jk but no really I know where you live

They also say boats on the water, never been hotter, boats on the shore, what a bore. Wait, no.. a boat a day keeps the money away. No man is an island.. but if he were, you'd probably need a boat if you wanted to go visit him. Boats, boats, the magical boat, the more you sink, the more you float.

SteveH, is the pizza sloppy or is your child sloppy? No wonder you make him eat without a shirt on, criminy.

Is that how you're justifying the purchase to yourself?

They don't call him Mister Smart for nothin'.

ACTUALLY, devscoots, during your friending spree I checked to see if you added me and you hadn't. I decided to not take it personally and I added you instead of waiting for your sorry ass to add me. But now that I'm up in the big leagues getting my turn at bat, look at who comes running? Fuck you, Dev. And thank-you so much for the compliments, it means a lot to me.

And you were there too, Rod Aug....dressed as Duffy, the teddy bear no one in America has ever heard of.

This might be too much for the forum right now, but I wrote it so here it is. If you don't like it you can suck an egg. It was a weekend we’d never forget. Or I wouldn’t anyway. It was the weekend I met my best friends from the internet. We made more memories than I can even recall, but I remember enough to last a lifetime. We spent a glorious day together at our rental home in Los Angeles, another perfect day in Disneyland, and our final night at the Hollywood Handbook live podcast taping. I will never forget that weekend because not only did I meet my best friends from the internet, I also met my Independence. When I arrived at the house it was already filled with all of my favorite forumers. Joe McGurl and Andrew were measuring themselves up against a wall to see who is taller, Bruce Reid Robinson II and RanRan were drinking beer and talking about music, Spunky was talking to MBOP with a strip of fly paper on his face and a few flies stuck to it, fighting for their lives. I spotted Tim and Anastasia in the kitchen and decided to make my way in to talk to them even though they’re the only two forumers I’ve actually met before. They show me upstairs to where I’ll be staying, it’s a room with four bunk beds in it, two bean bag chairs, and a rocking horse. “What’s up with the rocking horse?” I ask Anastasia. “It’s Andrews. He says he brought it as a joke, but he had to buy it it’s own ticket on the plane so I don’t know.” And, just to be clear, she wasn’t talking shit. She was just telling me the facts and letting me come to my own conclusions about it. We walk downstairs and Tim clears his throat so everyone turns to look at him. He has something to say; I had been dreading this moment since I left home. “I’m so glad to see you all here, although obviously I wish it were under better circumstances. Our own TheloniousJunk was killed last weekend while trying to recreate the infamous sex scene from American Pie. He didn’t leave a note, so it doesn’t seem like a suicide, but murder can’t be ruled out because there was a lot about it that didn’t add up. This isn’t the time to get into it, I’m just glad we’re all here together. Let’s enjoy ourselves and party hardy!” We all clap and cheer, except for Bruce Reid Robinson who won’t put his fucking acoustic guitar down for one second. Our first activity as a group is to visit Kat Von D’s tattoo shop to get matching tattoos. I was surprised we were able to talk Chanson into doing it, but I’m just happy to know he’ll be rotting in hell someday too. No hard feelings or anything, I’m just happy to know that. I think Andy Kneis was upset that he was the only one who ended up with an “HH” tattoo, but after he got his done Asteck suggested we all get Yo Is This Racist tattoos instead to be funny and we all got a kick out of that idea. We arrived back at our rental home and decided to play a round of Uncle Sean’s Funny Cards. It was so hilarious, we laughed so hard. I was crying with laughter because of the things these cards say… they’re just ridiculous. They’re nuts. They’re.. they’re nuts. My favorite pairing by far was where we had one card that said “Obama’s favorite food” and another card that said “The War on Terror.” Can you believe how perfect that is? And the other cards that said “Krispy Kreme glaze” and “Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” made us chuckle too. After the card game we separated into groups, the boys and the girls. The girls gave each other facials, sat in a circle braiding one another’s hair, and measured our boobs to see who has the most girth. Meanwhile the boys were listening to Thompson Twins, learning about economics from Chanson (I’m assuming someone else brought it up), and breaking into the girl’s area to do a bra raid so they can smell our dirty tits. All in good fun, for sure. Then we started to get wild. We drank a bunch of liquor and prank called Sean and Hayes. Well, attempted to anyway. It turns out the only phone number we had available to us was one for Engineer Cody. So we just invited him over and it got really awkward when Mean Detective told him he was a part of our “inner circle.” We all went along with it, but honestly we don’t really know him that well. After roasting s’mores frappuccinos over the fire, we all got real serious and started to talk about our future together. Anastasia volunteered to have a baby for the group if one of the guys would platonically impregnate her. MBOP volunteered, but Tim Treese got upset and claimed he had “better genes.” Agata suggested all the guys give it a go so we won’t know whose baby it is, but Anastasia rightfully felt that doing so would turn it into more of an accidental gangbang situation and she no longer wanted to give us a child. So we all just went to bed. In the morning Chanson woke us up to let us know his dad was waiting outside in his boat ready to take us to Disneyland. We arrived at Disneyland within an hour or two and the first thing we did was ride Soarin’ Over California five times. Joe McGurl said he’d read about it online and it was his favorite ride based on the Yelp reviews he’d seen, so he refused to leave the ride even though the smell feature was broken and everything just smelled like oranges. At one point I whispered to him “This part is supposed to smell like pine trees, not oranges” and he shushed me. It was our fourth fucking time on the ride. Anyway, one more time and I was out. Next we went on Space Mountain where everyone lost their shoes and I legitimately have no idea how. Then we went and explored a little, which was fun at first but then Spunky kept going on and on about how the New Orleans section of Disneyland is nothing like the real thing. He said he was joking but he seemed angry and he left shortly afterward to go back to the house because he was suddenly feeling sick. Again, these are just facts I’m giving you and you can come to your own conclusions about it. Marshall Mellow told us all about her laser, which was really cool, and she volunteered to ride in the front seat on Splash Mountain. Very ballsy. Brgrho surprised us by popping up as a bear in overalls right before the big drop and it really got me excited about what else might happen throughout the day. Unfortunately the afternoon took a turn when Chanson said something racist on It’s a Small World, but Honlads made us laugh when he ripped a big fart during the drop in Tower of Terror. Right after we went on the Indiana Jones ride I pulled Greggy aside to talk. He hadn’t ridden a single ride all day and I was concerned. It turned out he was just afraid of having fun and that’s why he’d been avoiding all the rides. He thought we’d laugh at him. I told him, “Greggy, we’re all having fun.” “Really?” he said, surprised. “Really,” I assured him. That made him feel a lot better. Before we knew it there came the time to head to the UCB to watch Hollywood Handbook live. We all flew to UCB on Jacob C’s back and arrived with really beautiful windswept hair. Sean and Hayes were in the parking lot waiting for us when we arrived. Hayes greets all of us by name and has a personal question ready-to-go for each and every one of us. It was so sweet the way he remembered the names of our pets and significant others, as well as where we work and for how long and what our bosses names are. Sean was a doll too. He sang my songs back to me like he’d sung them a million times before. “Been spending most our lives livin’ in a popcorn gallery…” It was endearing. Then we met Sean’s fiancée and she sang my songs to me too. Then Sean’s parents showed up and they knew all my songs. “How do you know these songs?” I asked them, but they just kept singing at me. “Been spending Toby Keith Sweat living in an Erika Thompson…” The live podcast taping goes off without a hitch. Kyle Bosman was the guest and he interacted really well with the guys. It’s funny how things tend to work out just like you think they will. After the show, we’re all hanging out and RanRan starts talking about how she has to get to the airport early in the morning. She says “God, our rental is so far from the airport. How far is your place from the airport, Hayes?” Hayes tells her, even though we all know where he lives, and she says “Wow, that would be so much better.” Eventually he offers to let her stay at his place and she acts surprised and it’s bullshit. I know I’m giving my opinion now, but fuck it, it was ridiculous and blatant and embarrassing. And besides we all know why she was asking. She’d been talking all night about wanting to “hook-up” with Munchausen, Hayes’ cat. Posted all about it on Facebook the next day too. Classy. So it’s around 2:00am and everyone is tired and ready to go home, but fucking Bozos won’t stop talking to Sean about License to Drive. Didn’t he get enough on his podcast? So we left without him. The next morning we all say our goodbyes and it was really difficult to leave everyone. For some of us it was too difficult and so they stayed. Tim moved in with Andy Kneis, Marshall Mellow agreed to let MBOP bunk on her couch, and BRRII decided to become a professional street musician. And wouldn’t you know it Anastasia gave birth to a beautiful baby boy 9 months after our trip whom she named Independence. She won’t tell anyone who the father is, but the baby has a British accent so I think I have a pretty good idea of whose it might be.

A Bear, what does your cat look like? Also has your cat been acting normal lately? Not sick or anything? How old is your cat? I'm not saying your cat went off to die, I'm just saying it's a possibility. But your cat might also have just wandered away. I've had lots of cats mysteriously vanish for weeks or months and then come back. I also found two of my cats randomly, one a block from my house, the other a few blocks down. Anastasia is right that they tend to stay close. Do you have a weird call you use with your cat? Like pree kee meow? Prreeee keee meow! Maybe that will lure her in. Drive around calling out for her to remind her she has a home, in case she's nearby. All real advice. Good luck finding your kitty.

Devscoots, you look like Henry Phillips in your photo and that makes me like you automatically.

Hey, just out of curiosity did any of you newbies have a difficult childhood? I'm the person on the forum who gets to the heart of the matter and I'd really like to find a connection with you guys. I know it's tough to talk about, but sometimes sharing your story of being molested, watching your grandma die right in front of you, or being abandoned at an orphanage can really help me to like you.

Hmm...It's starting to feel like Sean may not be inviting us to his wedding. Just to show we're not bitter I've made a wedding registry for him consisting of stuff I found just lying around my house if you can believe it. This way we can all get him meaningful gifts even though we're not going to the ceremony (fingers crossed on the reception). So just look through the list and let me know which item you'd like to gift Sean and his bride on their special day. His and hers paper plates Genuine fool's gold Halloween candy Crystal salad plate (well, plastic, but you'd never know by looking at it) Lightly-used Tupperware Heavily-used Tupperware 8 sets of really cute salt and pepper shakers Photo album with descriptions written in but all the photos taken out Blink 182 notebook with black pages so you can write in it with gel pens Tons of stickers from the parent-teacher supply store (apples, penguins, the works) A passive-aggressive letter from my high school boyfriend An old, used Blockbuster Video calendar I saved because I guess I thought I might need it later Pizza stone (jk, I don't have one of those) Painting of a cat that looks like my childhood cat Tootie A picture I drew of my parents having sex

No more Mrs. Nice Girl. For Bruce Reid Robinson II: Today I’d like to talk to you about stem cells. Stem cells are all around us. They’re in the air we breathe and the water we drink. But how much stem cells is too much stem cells? In this essay I will talk to you about where stem cells come from, why we need them, and how they can change the future. Shall we begin? Stem cells are just like any other cell in your body except they aren’t specialized so you can put them anywhere. Also they come from unborn babies. There is great debate over the ethicality of this practice. Stem cells can be used to help people like Christopher Reeve hopefully in the future. We need stem cells because we can’t survive without cells. They are a vital part of our existence and we need them like we need our blood and bones. Actually blood cells are called blood cells or platelets and bone cells are called osteocytes. In the future stem cells will be used to help paralyzed people, to cure diseases, to make fake organs in a lab, and to make fake meat for vegetarians. They are very useful and important and may be used to make a clone army, you never know. In conclusion, as you can see we need stem cells regardless of where they come from. Are unborn babies even real fetuses anyway? The world may never know. So in conclusion, thank-you for your time, and I hope I’ve opened your eyes to the many uses of stem cells.

Alex, you're a trendsetter. I heard before you came along people were saying it "That isn't anything but a chicken's wing." What other popular phrases have you coined? To Alex's friend: Hey deadbeat, you ever think about getting a real job? Option 2: Alex, have you ever had a female best friend who you didn't realize you had feelings for until she put on a dress (she's usually a tomboy)? To Alex's friend, have you ever committed a hate crime?

Shitty gifts I’ll buy you that you’ll have to pretend to like if you don’t have Kyle Bosman on the podcast: For Honlads, the DVD box of Bio Dome with a copy of Son in Law inside. For Joe McGurl, a first edition copy of Dr. Phil’s wife’s book. For Hayes, a blueprint of the White House with nefarious notes written all over it. For Chanson, a caricature of your likeness (which feature do you think they’ll emphasize?) For Andy Dick Cheney, a strained relationship with your father. For Bruce Reid Robinson II, an essay on stem cells written by someone who did little to no research. For Marshall Mellow, a foster child whose parents will want him back as soon as you grow attached. For Sillylillyquee, the complete series of Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra’s reality show “Til Death Do Us Part.” For Chanson, your real gift is psychological torture. For Spunky Foonerism, a foreign language copy of Green Eggs and Ham that doesn’t rhyme. For Dixon, a ticket to see Plain White Ts. For Andrew, a Han Solo action figure in “poor” condition. For Tim Treese, whatever I don’t want out of my Nature Box. For Sean, a copy of Jett Travolta’s death certificate. For Anastasia, a professional Kitchen Aid mixer without any attachments.

Wow, Joe, you are so funny. My dream is to write for a tv show with all of the forumers. You guys are great.

His name is Chibi and he is just one of many cool cats we have here at the Hollywood Handbook forum. *then I sing a song about it* Less than 10 minutes ago I watched the episode of Friends where Phoebe rides a bike and crashes because Ross doesn't hold on to her and she gets mad. So then I explained to my [redacted] that the same thing happened on an episode of Full House and I gave him all the deets. Then I come here and see this! Life is magical!

I love you, sillylillyquee. Sean and Hayes are gonna feel like shit when they see your drawing and that makes me so happy. You done good, kid.

You thought this was over? It ain't fuckin' over. Get Kyle Bosman on the show or you'll all be sorry.

Mary, on Twitter you posted your full-length Dumb and Dumber sequel screenplay. What makes your version better than the one the Farrelly brothers wrote?