klemjohansen

I wonder if Tom Petty ever acts spiteful in a trivial way. How would people describe it without sounding awkward?

I wonder what banner ads I'll see if I search "Go fuck yourself, Google" 100x per day.

I'll never forget where I was the day that guy came around asking us where we were the day that thing happened.

I'm going to make a white noise generator out of #DNC Obama applause. It was so damn soothing, and now I need to sleep but can't.

I'm hypnotized by the zither music in The Third Man, unable to movie. I'm in the thrall of the samizdat. #movies

I'm not mad about Psy hating on Americans. I'm more angry about the weird face paint- fairly sure that's racist against gold people.

I'm not saying that Marco Rubio was awkward, but the best part of his SOTU response was when Napoleon Dynamite came out and danced.

I'm setting up a kickstarter for my new Vonnegut-themed hotel. It's called The Bed & Breakfast of Champions.

If my boss told me how to vote, I'd tell him/her how to kiss my ass- with detailed instructions, diagrams & everything. #romnesia

If only John Sununu was the VP nom. We would have scads of fun finding ways to work "resigned in disgrace" into every Q&A question. #2012

If the Samsung phones/tabs were so great why do they always namecheck Apple products in their ads in that creepy "sour grapes" tone?

If you get caught between the moon and NYC, you will asphyxiate within 15 seconds without a space suit. Christopher Cross lied to us.

In honor of Sandy recovery efforts, I'm having a custom windbreaker made with "Klem Johansen: Nobody" embroidered in giant letters.

In retrospect, the "mushroom cloud" of proof turned out to be a reference to the idea that you had to be on mushrooms to believe in WMD.

In the future, instead of seeing a therapist in person, you'll upload your brain's .log file as well as your browser history.

Is The Host just a teen girl fantasy about wanting to have 2 boyfriends and bitching about her super-strict, motorcycle-riding mom?

Is there an old-school Dr. Who tour in England where they take you to the quarry that stood in for EVERY FRIGGIN PLANET IN THE UNIVERSE?

ISS and Soyuz gettin sexay in the sky. Live docking nsfw. Turn the lights down low! #nasa

It is decided: My next car is going to be a Publisher's Clearinghouse prize van.

It's wrong of me to assume that Southerners are dumb because their accents make them sound so very dumb. Sometimes sexy but usually dumb.

Just pledged Delta Cube. Secret handshake: 7 fingers to symbolize 6 seasons + a movie.

Just read a lengthy explanation of how The Trailer Park Boys movie is not canon.

Just watched an "I love Lucy- I'm Just not IN Love With Lucy" marathon. My TV has intimacy issues.

Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels in HD right now. I do not deserve this good fortune.

Marc Maron in shorts. Ouch. #louie