Jump to content
🔒 The Earwolf Forums are closed Read more... ×

nrkist

Members
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Content count

    147

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Posts posted by nrkist

  1. Posted

    Heh, I'm watching this on youtube right now, and it has to be HDTGM'ed.

     

    They're literally 5 minutes into the film and the school staff has essentially THIS discussion:

     

    "It's CALLED capoeria, and it's everywhere. These kids are impressionable, we aren't going to combat this gang dance-fighting-drug-dealing problem with stern talks."

     

    "We should motivate the kids to learn dance-fighting by funding a dance-fighting school so they can dance-fight back."

     

    "Wait, I thought dance-fighting was the problem...?"

     

    "Look, we've tried everything..."

     

    "Have we really tried everything?"

     

    "Shut up voice of reason. You are now the established 'jerk' of this film"

     

    "We're willing to try anything at this point. Would you be interested in heading a dojo?"

     

    "Well, I guess if it's being forced upon me, I'll grudgingly accept. I'm still going to passive aggresively remark about how crappy the 'dojo' you will purchase for me is, for the express purpose of teaching at-risk students how to dance-fight so they don't have to dance-fight in the dance-fight gang culture that is so ubiquitous."

    • Like 2

  2. Posted

    Holy crap, I just remembered the sex scene! It puts the crotch-shot-stairwell-walk-montage (I have no right to use that many hyphens in succession) in Gymkata to shame. Nothing makes a lady wetter than limbering up with some splits and hand-stands before summersaulting very unlikely into bed with her.

     

    Edit: I might be remembering this incorrectly, but isn't there also a thing in this movie about the teacher swearing off dance-fighting? Like, it kinda makes sense, cause it's a really retarded way to fight people, but then he's forced to grudgingly dance-fight back as it's THE ONLY WAY to solve the central plot contrivance in the film.

     

    I've translated the dance fight song bandaway, for anyone interested:

     

    Bandaway, this is Capoeira, bandaway. Bandaway, that guy is vaguely flipping kinda at you, bandaway bandaway. Bandaway, this is still happening, bandaway. Bandaway, this is really a thing, it's called Capoeira, bandaway, bandaway. Bandaway, that guy is cartwheeling like within 8 feet of you, bandaway. Bandaway, seriously you should react surprised and kinda obliquely cartwheel away from that other cartwheel that can be loosely described as being 'near' you in relation to everything else in the scene, bandaway, bandaway..

    • Like 2

  3. Posted

    This movie is pretty epic. Whenever you see two people in a heated argument, start the dance fight chant: "Ahm bambaway, Ahm bambaway bambaway..." They'll both get really irritated as it deflates any serious discussion once you get that going.

     

    Everyone in this movie really glazes over the fact that the drug pushers method of intimidation is dance-fighting. Nobody bats an eye at this information. Is this a common problem plagueing inner-city schools? What are the chances that the new teacher is ALSO an expert dance-fighter?

     

    There's that really annoying snotty kid in the film that the audience simply can't wait for him to get wasted by a sweet cartwheel kick to the face. I've never wanted someone to get their head caved in so badly... I'm not talking about the character, but the actor himself. I wanted the fictional characters to mercilessly beat that child actor in a very strange fourth-wall breaking scene.

    • Like 2

  4. Posted

    God bless girlfriends though. They always think you and their dad are a match made in heaven.

     

    "Please don't make me have to do this."

     

    "I dunno why you're being like this, my parents love you."

     

    "No, your mom just grudginly accepts me and your dad hates me."

     

    "Why would my dad hate you?"

     

    "Well...you know...<a couple hip thrusts>"

     

    "Haha, my dad is not thinking about that..."

     

    "What?! He totally is!"

    • Like 3

  5. Posted

    A guy in a European brown bear/grizzly bear/they can't fucking decide what kind of bear suit (moving suspiciously like a guy in a gorilla suit) gets repeatedly punched in the face after escaping from Central Park Zoo and interrupting Hercules's carriage ride right as he was about to score some hot 1970's tail. This is still a more believable Hercules film...

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWGuyo8F7MA

     

    I like that the bear has a reputation amongst the NYPD as being 'surly'. How did they get that bear to move so realistically? Practical effects are a dead artform.

     

    I do also agree with you as to the ape/bear thing. They dressed up an ape in a bear costume, right? That's pretty insane.

     

    Can anyone understand the conversation that is happening between Schwarzenegger and Lady? They are literally talking AT each other. Like, right into each other's faces and their conversation makes no sense. That poor horse desperately trying to get away from this film...

     

    Quotable: "whatsitlikebacktheredidn'tyousayAthensanybrothersorsisters?"

     

    Holy crap, take a breath.

     

    She also tells Schwarnegger to 'beat him up' several times. She is talking about the bear. The man in the really clownish bear costume. She's breaking the 4th wall and simply telling Schwarnegger to beat up the man in the bear costume that is assaulting them. Very strange. Also, why did this bear target them? I get that he's a little surly, the film established this, but what are the chances?

    • Like 1

  7. Posted

    In addition to everything else, the title sucks. I honestly thought this was a thread about the Kevin Sorbo series, and had to look up what the actual title of that series was to alleviate my confusion.

     

     

     

    I know you're asking why it's called "Hercules" even though it looks like it has nothing to do with the legends, but I'll just say that it's the same reason there are so many things being made now that are based on Frankenstein, Snow White, The Wizard of Oz and whatever fairy tales: It's all in the public domain, which means instant name recognition without having to pay for licensing fees.

     

     

     

    In fairness, has he really ever been uphill? He's made maybe three or four decent movies and a whole bunch of crap.

     

    I get the public domain thing. My point is that Hercules is a fount of epicness. This has nothing to do with Hercules. How is that possible?! It's like striking a diamond vein, but struggling for knock-off gold. It's not even comparable. It's really bizarre.

    • Like 1

  8. Posted

    For some reason, my parents took me to see Fear in theaters when it came out. At 10 years old, I was way too young, so it was instantly my favorite movie. It look me a long time to realize just how awful it technically is, but it's a gloriously fun watch, and I'd kill to hear the HDTGM crew rip it apart.

     

    Heh, you've probably reversed this on them unintentionally at some point. My GF's dad had recently got a blu-ray player and really nice LCD TV at the same point that criterion released a Blade Runner edition. Knowing that he was a sci-fi buff I purchased this for him. EVERYONE insisted this film could not be watched until we were all together. I have to add that they were a little 'born again':

     

    Me: "Heh, I don't remember there being this many bare breasts..."

     

    Everyone else squeezed into a couch for 2: <silence>

     

    Me: "That's so funny...I really didn't realize there were so many bare breasts in this film...<shove face in criterion box as I pretend to examine it>

     

    Worst night of my life, and I'm pretty sure my GF's parents think I'm a pervert. I kept thinking, 'OK, this is one scene in the criterion edition, and we aren't going to have anything else awkward while I'm rubbing elbows with my GF's mom...oh...we ARE...OK...sure, just yank your titties out irrelevant character...". I think I suggested several times that we turn the film off and do something else, but they were pretty adamant jerks about it: "Noooo, you got this FOR US. We should all watch it together. We don't have time for anything else because we need to get to bed as we have some sunday school classes to teach tomorrow..."

    • Like 3

  9. Posted

    Honestly, with how it's been reported how this movie has been rushed through production, it seems they are going "The Asylum" route by having a movie with a similar character or story come out before a major blockbuster. In this case, this movie is trying to make money off the hype for the Rock's Hercules movie.

     

    The Rock is featuring in a Hercules film? I had not heard this. That sounds HDTGM worthy too. I like the guy, and he is actually a really good actor...but I don't see him selling Hercules.

     

    "Get in my chariot if you wanna live!"

     

    "You're a praetorian and I am not a praetorian. How can we possibly find a common ground? Praetorians, am I right?" <-- Delivered by Chris Rock.

  10. Posted

    Honestly, with how it's been reported how this movie has been rushed through production, it seems they are going "The Asylum" route by having a movie with a similar character or story come out before a major blockbuster. In this case, this movie is trying to make money off the hype for the Rock's Hercules movie.

     

    The Rock is featuring in a Hercules film? I had not heard this. That sounds HDTGM worthy too. I like the guy, and he is actually a really good actor...but I don't see him selling Hercules.

     

    "Get in my chariot if you wanna live!"

     

    "You're a praetorian and I am not a praetorian. How can we possibly find a common ground? Praetorians, am I right?" <-- Delivered by Chris Rock.

  11. Posted

    That's Hollywood for you. Or I should say low budget Hollywood.

     

    But, doesn't that lend itself moreso to borrowing from the source?  Like, I get the concept of this film was to simply cash-in on all the set-pieces from previous films that were awesome...but why Hercules?  There is simply a wealth of tales in the Hercules boat and connections to other epics...you barely even have to try...WHY is this called Hercules: The Legend Begins?!I kinda want a HDTGM now, because I want someone involved to explain this.Edit: My point is, that this film is forcing the Hercules thing, even though it has nothing to do with Hercules.  That's bizarre and retarded!  There are volumes on Hercules!  He is an ancillary character in multiple tales!  It's very EASY to make a cheap Hercules movie that has some loose relevance to the man of myth.

  12. Posted

    So let me see if I can figure out the pitch for this movie.

     

    "Let's mix scenes from Gladiator and 300, then throw in a bit of Braveheart, and finally barely address the mythology of the character by having some supernatural stuff."

     

    Wow Renny Harlin has gone downhill.

     

    Film is clearly ripping off the iconic scenes and style from every greek epic adaption in the last 10 years. The thing that is most mind-boggling though, is the forced attachment to Hercules. This has nothing to do with Hercules. That's actually pretty incredible that one can make a film about Hercules, arguably the mythological character with the most stories, and fail to even accidentally reference the source material. The individual labors themselves could be, and have been, independent films. How is it possible that this movie exists and yet manages to have NOTHING to do with the pantheon of Hercules tales?

  14. Posted

    BTW, Have you guys ever read the book Jonathan Livingston Steven Seagal?

     

    Here are some key quotes:

     

    - “The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy and blood."

     

    - "Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there -- and summarily disposed of them with clunky neck chops."

     

    - "Bad things are not the worst things that an happen to us. NOTHING is the worst thing that can happen to us...aside from pratfalling through some glass. That's also right up there."

     

    - "Wrong turns are as important as right turns. More important, sometimes in the case of train derailment."

     

    Edit: I had to look up if anyone had made this joke before, but I couldn't find it. What I DID find is that a large proportion of people incorrectly identify the title as "Jonathan Livingston Seagal" while bestowing their most cherished quote. Hilariously establishing they have never read the book...

    • Like 1

  15. Posted

    Yeah, in 2013 with LGBT rights momentum cresting everywhere, we have a major motion picture telling us that lesbians just need the right man to fix their broken sexuality. Fuck you, Riddick, and whoever wrote this garbage.

     

    Incidentally, I've heard Pitch Black is a decent watch? Is that so? Like if I wanted a fun, mindless action movie.

     

    Pitch Black is pretty fun. It's straightforward and has it's two clearly established gimmicks. It's exactly a no brains grimey sci-fi action fest that's primary focus is to establish just how f'ing cool Riddick/Diesel is. Lot's of posing on Vin Diesel's part. I feel like it's one of those movies that is entirely the action cheese it is intended to be but manages it somewhat competently. Watch Chronicles immediately afterwards and you will be scratching your head to see any connection between the films.

     

    Riddick banks a strategy on a yet unrevealed menstruation from an unlikely character. With reveals like this in PB, it's impossible to not like this movie...

  16. Posted

    Under Siege is classic and has some real nonsensical one-liners. What about under siege 2? There is a good chunk of the film where the only time you see Seagal is when his face occasionally creeps comically into frame through one of the train windows. It's like he's photobombing the scenes in his own vehicle.

    • Like 1

  17. Posted

     

    There were a couple of times where someone got shot on the courthouse steps because the writers said, "fuck it! I wrote 60 pages" and didn't want to write an actual ending.

     

    And then it cuts to the entire SVU standing on the steps of the courthouse shaking their heads amidst the confused aftermath: "Why does it always have to go down like this?". And then I think, "Yeah, why DOES it always have to go down like this? In fact, why does it ever go down like this? F U SVU."

    • Like 2

  18. Posted

     

    I prefer to make jokes at the beginning of "Law & Order" episodes, when some random bystander happens upon a corpse. Like some people are going through a hotel food cart scavenging, and they come upon a body: "We just found the meat!"

     

    I like the episodes that start with a real heavy-handed red-herring that's unconnected to the actual crime. Like two douchers in the bathroom of a club chuckling and high-fiving each other over lines like:

     

    "I'm TOTALLY going to rape MY chick tonight, what about you Tony?"

     

    "Heh, whether she likes it or not, Bob. Know what I'm sayin...?<pointless wink>"

     

    "HAHA! Ah, Tony, you are priceless..."

     

    Smash cut to crime scene the next morning. Over the course of 60 minutes, this completely unrelated, undiscovered, and unsolved crime is never mentioned again.

    • Like 1

  20. Posted

     

    We're never super invested in SVU because we've seen about every last one of them. What we do now is try to pick out actors who have been in other episodes as different characters.

     

    "Hey, the woman that is playing the sadistic preschool teacher was the wife of the serial rapist who collected drivers licenses."

     

    That IS the other fun aspect of the show: "Yeah, 7 year-old sex-slave imprisoned since birth, blah blah blah, WHATEVER, but that one chick is the chick from that other thing, right? No, not that chick. The show I really hated and we barely watched. <sigh> No...it had that one guy in it. You KNOW the guy... Monk? Heh, Tony Shalhoub IS hilarious, but that's really unrelated. Are you serious? That's Tony Shalhoub in Monk! How do you not know this?"

    • Like 1

  21. Posted

    The key is to wait until your GF or friend is super invested in the show. Wait for that moment when Benson says something like: "This guy raped and murdered everyone's grandmother...on live television. Sorry, I can't stand by and let him simply get away with this!"

     

    And then you drop: "You know what? This guy is coming off like a real jerk..."

    • Like 1

  23. Posted

    In the movie it seems like Kevin Bacon starts out insane in the first place, and just starts doing things he's already inclined to do.

     

    Yes, this exactly. Like, he didn't even really require the invisibility aspect for this movie to happen. He would have acted the same in a brown-out...or a dark alley. The invisibility is almost incidental and simply there for an effects scene.

  24. Posted

    Yeah, the effects when he's turning invisible and you see the musculature and circulatory systems are very cool and gruesome. But the story is pretty crappy -- I don't get why turning invisible makes you a creepy insane pervert.

     

    Wait, I guess I do understand it. In any case, this is way more rapey than Blurred Lines. Not sure if it's good HDTGM as it's a pretty one-note horror movie, really. If Bacon is to be served, I agree with the person above who nominated Tremors; that would be a lot more fun.

     

    I guess there is a suggestion that dudes would use their invisibility strictly to attempt to rape women. The movie never really establishes this, but I think what they were going for was that invisibility resulted in loss of identity and his id took over. This film probably set the social view of invisible men back 20 years.

    • Like 2
×