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dlo burns

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Posts posted by dlo burns

  7. Posted

    The Firefly spin-off nobody asked for [official channels can be found here]

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGU8N6X4DNs

    http://www.imdb.com/...2/?ref_=nv_sr_1

     

    A movie where Bai Ling must save an unnecessarily creepy space-colony(?) from a non-mcguffin that (slowly) explodes people into a glob of worm-tentacles, in nothing but some goth gogo boots and a misplaced accent.

     

    Also starring:

    Paul Atreides (of the miniseries)

    The Murder Victim from Chink

    Faye Dunaway as the specter of a famous actress

    Glasses Smoker from Lady in the Water (who I seriously thought was Andrew from Buffy)

    The Coroner from CSI with the most WTF hair a bald man could offer

    Evil General from Dragon Wars (and his cohost of a wig rejected from LoTR)

    And Daniel Zacapa as pure boot-shit-licking obsessed HAAAAMMMM

     

    Stray thoughts:

    -The thing I need to most point out is Bai Ling's makeup, and yes she does appear like that through out 95% of the film, and yes there are just random streaks of color on her face, and no she did not just show up to set like that (which was my initial thought), her personal makeup was done by the illustrious Crystal Wolfchild. And yes you get to see her both shower and cry it off.

    -best quote: Randall: You've pissed me off too many times, Jackie. So now I'm gonna piss on you.

    [He begins to urinate on Jackie]

    -this was made to tie-in with Capitol Records, makers of electro-goth music (barely any music appears). Also

    ; or off, and that's why no main actors appear for two minutes.

    -When I first saw this movie many years ago I was confused as why they had this in a space colony (still not clear on that) and not just ruined Detroit or LA, but when I watched this last night I finally learned that this apparently is based off a comic-book series.

    -This has that weird English-Chinese language fusion like in Firefly (but 300% more Asians) where everything written down is in Chinese so I really want to know if is actually says something or is just lines copied from a take-out menu. Also has random flying Junk ships, like Fifth Element.

  10. Posted

    If they do two back to back disaster movies, Poseidon needs to be in on the mix.

    Well there's the sequel to the original film, Beyond the Poseidon Adventure, where pretty much all of the characters are back stabbing rats. Also a thing I found on wikipedia:

     

    Abandoned film sequel premise

     

    In 1973, soon after the first film came out, producer Irwin Allen proposed a sequel that would have had the survivors testifying in a hearing on the disaster in Vienna, the country of the Poseidon's parent company. While on a train to the hearing, a miles-long mountain tunnel would collapse, leaving the survivors of the train trapped inside, struggling to make their way out. This premise was eventually used in the 1996 Rob Cohen film Daylight with Sylvester Stallone.[1]

  11. Posted

    Ugh, I went to go see this with my mom, my sister, and some chump my sister had as a blind date. I don't remember much, but what did happen was that I went to the bathroom and the film burned up, infact so much that there was smoke and the theater was evacuated. So we were standing outside, and as my sister was trying to make small talk with this creature that could barely string together two words I threw up two king sized butterfinger bars right into the bright red firelane gutter.

     

    The next year we went to go see Jurassic Park 2, and I went to go to the bathroom and all of the power in the city went out. So now I have a complex about needing to pee during movies, especially before the climax.

     

    /edit: JP2 (not the pope) would be a good one, in that the 'protagonists' are awful people who screw everything up and the plot really doesn't make any sense. (it's been a few years since a saw it though)

    • Like 1

  12. Posted

    There was that weird "joke" in the original 300 about Athenians being "boy lovers," as if Athenians were the only Greek dudes who liked fucking other Greek dudes. It'd be like a person from Wisconsin making fun of a person from Minnesota for having a fondness for eating cheese.

    I loved how you turned it into something so innocent at the end.

    • Like 1

  13. Posted

    This movie, the already-mentioned Tomboy in this forum, Soul Man, Peggy Sue Got Married, Trading Places, even Parts of Revenge of the Nerds... there were a lot of 80s comedies involving people disguising themselves and taking on opposite gender/racial/social roles in order to commit various misdeeds or to right a personal slight. I just wonder if this was something indicative of the social mores of the time or if I'm just reading too much into it. I know that Amanda Bynes movie where she dressed as a boy exists, but it seems these types of movies were more prevalent in the 1980s.

    Don't forget Tootsie.

    • Like 2

  14. Posted

    Waterworld is underrated. People say its hit, but its, meh, pretty good. I remember hearing how bad it was supposed to be but I watched it and it didn't stand out as awful or anything. Not bad for what it was.

    Really it's the perfect lazy weekend afternoon movie that tripped the wrong trigger of the press

  18. Posted

     

    I am predicting that this will be true until Seventh Son comes out. This movie got shuffled from Sept 2013 to Feb 2014 to Feb 2015. It's stuck in dump month limbo, that says something.

     

    —In a time long past, an evil is about to be unleashed that will reignite the war between the forces of the supernatural and humankind once more. Master Gregory is a knight who had imprisoned the malevolently powerful witch, Mother Malkin, centuries ago. But now she has escaped and is seeking vengeance. Summoning her followers of every incarnation, Mother Malkin is preparing to unleash her terrible wrath on an unsuspecting world. Only one thing stands in her way: Master Gregory. In a deadly reunion, Gregory comes face to face with the evil he always feared would someday return. Now he has only until the next full moon to do what usually takes years: train his new apprentice, Tom Ward to fight a dark magic unlike any other. Man's only hope lies in the seventh son of a seventh son.—

     

    That sounds needlessly complicated. It also looks like I'll have to change my bearding plans in the meantime.

    • Like 1

  19. Posted

    - So, the current champion then challenges him to a fight, in his SECOND professional bout, which should never happen. But, he doesn't get his rightful shot at the title which he got by destroying the former champion. To make matters worse, it;s on Christmas day, which fucks up his holidays with his family.

     

    Sorry to screw this up for you, but Russian Christmas is Jan 7th (blame the Julian–Gregorian calendar difference)

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_in_Russia

    • Like 1

  20. Posted

    A little something that others might of missed.

     

     

    So the immortals are tired of living for so long, right? You would think that would mean thousands, if not millions of years, but a small line mentions that the Immortals are said to have been in this state for 300 years, and the year is 2293, which means they started in 1993...

     

    • Like 1

  21. Posted

    This was kind of touched upon when talking about Russel Crowe's crew not shooting Colin Farrell, but WHY DOES THIS GANG PRIMARILY USE SPEARS? On the bridge, before Colin Farrell is headbutted to death, the gang all have jet black medieval-style spears. Two or three of them have swords, which is only incrementally less bizarre than fucking javelins as a weapon of choice for 1916 gangsters.

     

    Akiva: "Magic means I don't have to explain SHIT"

  25. Posted

    This one is bland and dumb, but the 2nd one is just one WTF moment after another. Maybe they can do a double-bill.

    Frank Miller (he of Sin City and The Spirit) originally wrote the script, which then went through the rewrite machine. So he too his original ideas and wrote a comic book, which is the typical Miller style of shallow ultra-violent dude commits ultra-violence, and features WHORES.

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