Joe McGurl

More like smoothie criminal. fuckin nailed it.

I remember waking up on Tuesday, May 5th 2015 and thinking "Oh man, I should listen to the new episode of Hollywood Handbook today." It was pretty crazy. I actually did end up listening to the episode and, hey, I liked it too! Something of a little self-fulfilling prophecy there. I really am a dream come true

I have not audibly laughed this much in a long time. Amazing ep Timekeeper is truly fantastic

Burgy and Agata and #1 Handsome Boy.

Just edit the post and put a picture of me there instead. You'll get more likes on it because of it, further increasing your post to like ratio and the rest of the forumers will be none the wiser!

Both are not great. Keep your current one, gives me a real early 00s AOL chatroom vibe.

grande premier message!

Yeah, my girlfriend is from Garden City, so I'm pretty familiar with the area!

Now this is nice

I like the picture, Jakal. It's very "you." Also, what part of Long Island are you from?

Nope

Great episode, I thought Nick Mundy had some really interesting things to say about the U.S. State Department recommending women wearing a wedding ring while traveling. Oh whoops, thought I was on the Yo, Is This Racist forums for a second.

This explains so much about SteveH.

This is awesome.

more like Mister Snark

okay

Please, no one else like this post so it stays at 9 forever. Thanks Chefszki, couldn't have done it without you. I didn't put you in the story because I didn't want you to die but you were there in my heart at all times.

Sorry man, there was an extensive scene between you and Honlads talking but no one could understand what the fuck you guys were saying so we had to edit it out. Next time, I'll be sure to get you in

"JOE." A voice calls out to me. Where am I? I hear the sound of waves crashing against a shore. I can feel heat licking my skin. A breeze gently caresses me. The smell of the salty sea air stings in my nostrils. I open my eyes and see my old flame and constant lover, Kate Upton. She appears to be asleep so I shake her a bit to wake her and see if she wants to have a lot of really good sex that she will like and not complain about because I'm good at sex and a generous lover. Hmmm. She isn't waking up. I shake her a bit more and roll her over. Oh my god. Her throat is slit. Who did this? I need to get my bearings. I look around. All I see are flames...can't feel my legs...fading... "WAKE UP JOE!" I hear my name. Someone is calling out to me. The darkness and haze is fading. I open my eyes. It's my friend, Valerie Bryant. She's covered in blood. "GUYS I FOUND JOE" she shouts! I see three shadowy figures in the distance starting to move towards me. "Oh thank Ged...he's still handsome." the first figure says. I can't see who it is but I'd recognize the voice of Bruce Reid Robinson II anywhere. The light off the nearby fire reveals the other two figures to be Honlads and Agata. "Good to see ya, man. Thought we'd properly lost you there...sorry about Kate though," said Honlads. Agata says nothing but winks at me and I know that everything will be okay. "What is going on?" I said. "You don't remember?" replied Veebs. I shake my head no and Valerie tries to fill the gaps in my memory. "It was a slaughter, Joe. The whole tribe has been almost totally wiped out in the revolt." Tribe? Revolt? What was she talking about? What the fuck is happening, I think to myself. "Tribe? Revolt? What is she talking about? What the fuck is happening?!" I say out loud. "Joe...don't you remember the letter" Bruce says. *FLASHBACK* Hmm, what's this a letter. "Dear JOE MCGURL, Hey, it's Sean and Hayes, you're heroes. We are deeply saddened to tell you that after 500 great episodes and becoming the number one podcast of all time, Hollywood Handbook is coming to an end. We are deeply pleased, however, to tell you that we are rebooting The Reality Show Show. There's a catch though! To kick this off, we have cleared out Vishnu Island or whatever the name of that place where Chanson's dad lives and you and the rest of the forumers will be participating in the first ever Funnyman Hungry Games! It's Last Comic Standing meets Survivor and the last and funniest forumer standing gets to be our very first guest on the new show! Inside, the envelope you'll find your plane tickey. Pack your bags quickly, you leave tomorrow! See ya then! All the best, S&H" *FLASH TO PLANE RIDE* Wow this is great. All the greatest hits are here! I saw Showshowbro, Erika Thompson, PatSmear and Freja boarding. I noticed TheNarnold trying to get on the flight but the lowly attendant--who may have just been a vagrant that wandered into the terminal, for all I know--Dan Engler wouldn't let him board for some reason saying he was "banned" or some shit and then TheNarnold told him to go be a white knight somewhere else. In a cruel twist of fate, I've been sat next to Tim Treese. I look across the aisle and see Anastasia Vigo laughing and having a great time with Andrew, Skizelo and Marshall Mellow. Maybe Lydon will switch seats with me. I don't want to go from first class to way back in economy but if it gets me away from Tim, I'll suffer through with the plebs. This is gonna be a long flight, I think to myself. *FLASH TO ARRIVAL ON THE ISLAND* "You're so much more handsome in real life!" RanRan says to me. "Heh, what can I say, I learned from the best, #23 Michael Jordan, my coach and mentor." I replied. "Well he taught you well!" Who was that voice? I turn around and JacobC clasps me on the shoulder. I smile and nod as we brofist. As Mean Detective and SpunkyFoonerism lead us up the hill with the map, JMonsterface comes and introduces himself and then is quickly followed by A Bear who shakes my hand. They looked and sounded almost identical and I'm not sure if the second time JMonsterface just put on a fake moustache. Suddenly over the crest of the hill, I see SteveH standing with two men on their knees next to him. My god...it's...it's....Sean and Hayes. *Clemdawg and Hayziebone like this* is carved into his forehead as if done with a knife. "Welcome, friends...to your DOOM. For too long have I not been taken seriously on the forums and that ends TODAY. You will all compete in a real life Hungry Games just like Peeta, not Josh Hutcherson but Peeta from Hungry Ga-" "Hey, Steve" Asteck interjects, "can you not talk like Sean and Hayes. Those are their bits not yours." SteveH's eyes light up and he throws a knife right between Astecks eyes, killing him immediately. "Now. Where was I? Ah yes, you will all live on my compound here on Captain Chanson Dad Island as my slaves. You WILL do as I say and if you don't, I'll have my lieutenant DelinoDeshields take care of you. Oh and just so you know I'm absolutely serious..." SteveH pulled out two knives and put them against Sean and Hayes' throats. Hayes' eyes immediately go to mine because we have a special connection and he knows I'm a really good friend of his and actually probably his best friend. I can't help but think that my face will be the last that these boys see. Could do worse. I am #1 handsome boy after-all, I wryly think to myself. "...Sean. Hayes. Prepare to meet your old friend Earwolfman Jack." SLIT. *CUT TO PRESENT TIME* "STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE!" I shout. "Keep your voice down, bb, his guards may still be around!" Agata says to me. Her voice is calming and soothing, I know she must be right. "Wh...where are the others?" I ask. "Most of them died in the revolt. I saw a few make a break for the other side of the island but...who knows how far they got," Veebs said. "Kyle Bosman?" I ask. Valerie's eyes fall to the sand as she shakes her head no. Honlads, reassuringly, puts his hand on her shoulder. Bruce looks to me and says, "Steve...he's..asking for you to kneel before him and tell him that HE is #1 Handsome Boy now. He says if you do...all of this will end." I solemnly glare at Bruce through my steely blue eyes and I can see him get chills because they pierced right into his soul. "You know I can't do that. It's not something you can pass on. It's something you're BORN with." I know that my words made an impact on Bruce as he immediately started crying and looked to the night sky, hoping he too was born with the gift of handsomeness. "All the same," Agata added, "it's just the gesture that Steve is looking for. Just let him have this and we can all go home." Her words ring clear and true through my body as a church bell does in a small Georgia town. She's right. Of course she's right, I think to myself. "You're right. Of course you're right," I say out loud. "Alright...let's get to the compound." Bruised and battered, this ragtag bunch of heroes hobbled to the gates of Steve's compound. Kittens stood guard atop the watchtower, gorging himself on all the pizza a boy could hope for. A clever way to buy loyalty, Steve, I'll give you that. The gate opens and we begin our walk up the path to Steve's holdout. The compound is filled with countless noobies that I never bothered to learn the names of. They throw things at me and taunt me with shouts of "great first post!" Their words cut me like wind through the chaff. How could I have fallen so low? At the top of the pathway, four heads stand on pikes. They belong to Sean, Hayes and Chanson. The other one is horrendously cut up and disfigured but we all know it belonged to Greggy. I hearken back to the grizzly day when Steve took that gorgeous head off of those strong, broad shoulders. "NOTHING THIS GOOD LOOKING SHOULD LAST!" He screamed and laughed with delight as he took to tearing into Greggy's gorgeous face. "Well, look who has come to grovel at the feet of Master." I look up and my eyes meet with Tim Treese's. He has a spiked collar on with a chain that leads back to his master and is wearing a gimp outfit. "Fuck you, Tim." The entire compound erupts in laughter when I say my famous catchphrase, I may be at my lowest but, damn, I've still got it. Tim spits at my shoes and then Steve whips the chain and the bitch goes crawling back to the feet of his master. "Enter." the voice of Steve boomed. I walk into the holdout and see poor sillylillyquee chained to the wall, furiously scribbling drawings in order to appease the overlord. To the left, Dixon, Zinjeh and BrgrHo are all making gifs and photoshopped pictures of Steve on various board games and cereal box mascots. Michael Bay of Pigs is asleep in the corner wearing his court jester apparel. "Kneel before Zod." Steve says. I do so and as I look at him, I can't help but notice that he has truly become the face of evil. As time passed on the island, he began to carve the names of every forumer into his skin followed by *likes this.* A freshly carved *Game of Scones likes this* was dripping blood from over his belly button. "That's a comics book reference because nerds is cool now." I rolled my eyes and replied, "Actually, Zod never says that in the comics of Superman. That was strictly from the movies." I fuckin schooled that chump and everyone knew it but didn't dare say anything. Steve chuckled, "I know that fool, I was merely testing you. Now, have you come to pay the piper?" I held my tongue. "It's simple, Joe. You pronounce me the #1 handsome boy, and I release you all. Failure to do so will result in...well... lets just say I have a space clear on my peck that's waiting to have your name carved into it." I look back at my companions and give them a knowing nod. Bruce pulled out his lucky potato he carved the face of Zouks into and begins to cry. Honlads is embracing Agata as she weeps. My poor bb, I hate to see her like that. Veebs is nowhere to be found. I smile. The plan worked. I stand up. "Steve. All I can say is...Joe McGurl doesn't like this." Steve grins. "So be it." Steve pulls out a gun and shoots me in the chest. I immediately collapse as blood starts pouring out of me like wine in Kathie Lee Gifford's house. That's when I hear the sound. The sound of the helicopter piloted by Engineer Brett, Cody and Sam. The message in the bottle and the revolt in order to escape to light a signal fire on the beach had worked. Veebs comes in with guns blazing. Soon everyone would be free...but at what cost. No, don't think like that. Not in your final moments. Think of the happy times. Remember 4/21/15 when you got the Pro Version? Remember episode 210 when Sean and Hayes had you on as a guest and it became the number one most downloaded episode of anything ever? That's it. Those are the good times. I can feel the blackness starting to gather. I'm fading quick now. Darkness. Suddenly, I feel warm. I can't move and I can't open my eyes but I feel light all around me. Two hands pick me up. I can feel my eyes start to open as I see two angels stand before me. Suddenly a chorus of seraphim sing on high as the angel with the orange beard says, "Joe. Welcome to Heaven Handbook: an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the white clouded, cherub lined hallways of this place we call the promised land." The other angel embraces me and whispers into my ear, "Mmmmm, whaddup whaddup?" I've made it. I'm home.

this isn't canon

I can't argue with that logic. Great first joke

I've had people make this joke 7 times to me already so you a lil late Stevey baby! I'm really torn on this image. it's a great effort. however, I'm not fuckin boardwalk and you got me at fuckin $140?! On the other hand, I'm sharing my street with my bb Agata and my dog Mellow and that's some damn fine company. That being said, in what fuckin world is Andrew or TIM TREESE to be put higher than me..I dunno man. Lotta thoughts on this one.

Please shut up and just talk about me getting the pro version, thank you.

Some of you guys are really fascinating and most of you guys are really, dreadfully dull and boring. I'll let you decide

The joke is that Dixon runs it