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Joe McGurl

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Posts posted by Joe McGurl

  1. Posted

    I've been getting dirty looks here in South LA, where everyone knows me to be a huge handbook head, all week! I didn't know what was up because I was late to listen to this episode (I was re-listening to serial and I know who did it), but now I get it! Listen everybody it wasn't me who sent that Eh, Wrong! Text to the government! I think Hayes and Sean are smart, funny and nice, and satire? They're doing it right! I look to them as my brothers in arms at the forefront of feminism and I would never send condaleesa that nasty text! However, it did flood my basement to hear Sean say "points, Ellie!" And I would love to make that my ring tone!

     

    Love from Ellie "eh, right!" Anglin.

     

    Great first post!

     

    If you want, there is a link to a set of rules that I wrote regarding to posting on the forum. But please take note, they aren't really meant to be taken seriously and if you do, you're probably some limp dick chump tryna take a shot at the king but you're gonna miss everytime baby. You'd be fuckin Allen Iverson tryna nail a trey from beyond the arch and I'm Dikembe Mutumbo towering over you like the little shrimp you are, I block that shot, grab the ball and pick you up by the fuckin feet and drag your sorry ass down the court as I dunk the ball and stuff you in the net. Then I wag my finger in your face and the crowd fuckin erupts in cheers. I'd pull your pants down and then everyone starts pointing and laughing at you. Then, as customary, the king gets carried out on the shoulders of his fans and supporters and you're left cryin lil pussy pansy wansy tears that fill the arena and you drown in your own sorrow and sadness and no one even cares cause you were the chump tryna take on the champ baby.

     

    Anyway, glad to have you!

    • Like 22

  2. Posted

    "...I was stoned. That's the last thing that I remember." Gremlack Prunk said to the officers in the alley out back of the police station.

     

    "You sunnuvabitch, Prunk, you're high right now?!" Officer McNally delivered a swift kick to Gremlack's ribs and it hurt like the dickens but Prunk was known for his tenacity and would never let on that he was in pain.

     

    "Easy, McNally. Don't rough him up too much" said Officer Crowder, "this asshole is our only shot of taking down the rest of the Gargoyle Boyz. Now we need to know, Prunk, are you high?" Gremlack grimaced and spit some blood out onto the ground taking care to make sure some got on McNally's loafers.

     

    "Nah. Being stoned is what happens when the boyz go into recon mode you stupid fukkin pig ass scum." McNally looked over at Crowder for the go-ahead sign. Crowder returned the glance than brought his eyes down to Prunk. He was staring right back at him from the ground. His eyes were steely and icy blue. It was like looking into a glacier and goddamnit it if Crowder didn't feel a shiver fall down his spine. Crowder couldn't help but shudder and look back at McNally giving him a small nod of approval. McNally cracked his knuckles and took to beating the everliving fuck out of Gremlack. Officer McNally was shouting "WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE BOYZ?! WE KNOW YOU WERE WITH PENTECOST AND BAGGINZ?!? WHERE IS HARDALL?? HOW DID YOU ESCAPE THE EXPLOSION IN CENTRE CITY?!" Crowder had to pull McNally off of the bruised and bloodied thug before he killed the man. Gremlak looked like Jared Leto after Brad Pitt beat the shit out of him in Fight Club.

     

    There was silence for a few seconds and then the two Officers heard a few hideous laughs escape from Prunk's mouth. Crowder looked down at the man in confusion as his laughing got louder and more intense. "What the fuck is so funny?" McNally asked. Prunk stopped laughing and looked up at the officers. Flashing a toothy grin he said, "I just couldn't help but admire the architecture of your police station, gentleman." Prunk continued to laugh and Crowder looked back at the building quizzically. As his eyes moved upward he couldn't help but notice that adorning the top of the station were 5 gargoyles that, as he could recall, were never there before. Crowder turned back around to find the Gremlak Prunk was no longer laying on the ground and in his place was McNally. His throat had been slit. Crowder felt a sharp pain in his side and his whole body had gone numb. He felt a hand cover his mouth and hot breath on his neck as he heard the words whispered into his ears, "The Boyz are back in town."

     

    Crowder slowly fell to the ground and looked up at the building that he devoted 27 years of his life working in. As his eyes slowly closed to begin the sweet sleep of death, he observed that the five gargoyles were no longer on the roof. Six shadows now fell over his limp body as the blood poured out...the boyz were indeed back in town.

    • Like 24

  3. Posted

    GGBZ have been waiting in darkness, silently standing in the shadows waiting for our opportunity to come back. We're that figure in the corner of your eye you thought you saw when you're walking home from the grocery store bringin milk home so you can eat cereal and watch cartoons like the little fuckin piece of shit nerd you are. And then we were that figure you thought you saw outside your window watching the cartoons too. We were the reason when you woke up in the morning and you left the pizza out because you were gonna have it for breakfast (cause who doesn't love cold pizza right) and then when you went downstairs to eat it up and found the box empty? Yeah, that was us and not you thinking that you ate it in the night and just didn't remember. You limp dick chumps think you have what it takes to be one of the Boyz? You think you can waltz right into this sick ass gang full of bonafide ballas and shot callas like you're Teddy Fuckin Roosevelt and the Ruff Rydaz? No way bubbo. You want in? How bout this. You take this $30 and go into the 7/11 and buy us a 24 pack of Rolling Rock and if you get caught okay you don't even fuckin know us okay we had nothing to do with this please just buy this beer okay you can keep whatever the change is please

     

    Gremlack Prunk

    -Gargoyle Boyz

    • Like 19

  8. Posted

    Great birthday posts everyone!

     

    You really know how to make a handsome boy feel special. If I had to pick a favorite post, it would probably be all of them.

     

    But it would actually be Marshall Mellow's because she combined my loves of Survivor, Noel Gallagher, Sean and Hayes, Chris Martin, Jeff Probst doing crazy things and making fun of Goop. So the Dream Team jacket and a high ranking position in #TeamMcGurl goes to Marshall Mellow. Wow, what a ride.

     

    Everyone else got automatically entered into #TeamMcGurl by posting yesterday. Even that yokel, Lydon. Our numbers are ever bolstered and we march forward unto victory. Congrats, all.

    • Like 17

  9. Posted

    Haven't really read any posts since I laid that sick burn on the forum a few pages back but I reserve the right because, as we all know, today is the famous Forum holiday known as, "Joe McGurl's Birthday."

     

    Get out your grovelling clothes because I expect only the best from you guys. Best well-wisher gets a warm-up jacket that was worn by my coach #23 Michael Jordan in the '92 olympics aka the DREAM TEAM and you will also get a coveted , high ranking spot in #TeamMcGurl.

     

    Love you guys. Be good to each other, except if that other person is not funny or cool and in that case, slap them in the face and hold them upside down and shake their lunch money loose and then reap those fat rewards baby!

    • Like 25

  15. Posted

    I love the episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. when Feeby's cousin Neil is visiting from Philadelphia and the hi-jinx that happens when Neil and Niall are in the same room! This is my favorite all time scene

     

    Sandra: ...so then the priest says to get down in front of him and kneel!

    Neil & Niall: What?

    (everyone laughs)

    *Dandler enters Central Pork holding an eviction notice*

    Dandler: Well, guess what, Niall..

    Neil and Niall: WHAT?!

    (Neil and Niall both look at each other like "oh boy, we did it AGAIN!")

     

    *credits*

    • Like 15

  17. Posted

    i have a band called Locas. locas.bandcamp.com is where you will find our demo from last year, we're recording again soon. back then we were a 2-piece and now we have a third member so it'll be more full sounding on the next time around. riyl Jawbreaker, Pavement, Joyce Manor, Title Fight, any other stuff between indie rock and post-hardcore/emo

     

    I know the boys from Title Fight, great guys! Ben, from Tigers Jaw, is one of my best friends

     

    Also: I dig the sound of your band

    • Like 6

  25. Posted

    Hollywood Handbook Podcast Review for 26 May 2015: Episode 85 -- David Letterman, Our Close Friend. (Featuring Will Hines)

     

    Hollywood is a big town, not big geographically but big in terms of talent. You can walk down a street and you'd be just as likely to find the next Darth Vader or Brewster from Brewster's Millions as you would be to find a street vendor selling hot dogs or fruit in a cart that has been sitting out in the sun for a few hours. Perhaps no one better encapsulates the next Darth Vader more than the hosts of the Hollywood Handbook podcast, Sean Clements and Hayes Davenport. These two boys have a great rapport and the chemistry between them is better than one might find in an old Bounder RV inhabited by Walter White and Jesse Pinkman. However, these two hosts aren't breaking bad, they're breaking the mold; the comedy mold. The Hollywood Handbook podcast represents a dynamic shift in the "status-quo" of Hollywood big wigs and brings those sitting in their ivory towers down to earth. Yes, Hayes and Sean may indeed be persona non grata after they get finished taking their swings at all the Hollywood elite because much like King Hippo in Punch-Out, they do not hold back or pull punches on the pristine glow of the precious Hollywood darlings.This week, with Chris Kyle levels of pinpoint accuracy, they set David Letterman in their scopes and bring along noted comedy rogue Will Hines to help mete out justice on the former king of late night TV. Indeed, Dave could be compared to Ned Stark on his knees at the Sept of Baelor where Sean and Hayes, like Joffrey Baratheon and Cersei Lannister, sit back in glee as Ser Ilyn Payne, here portrayed by Mr. Hines, comes in to deliver the killing blow. Are we the audience like Sansa Stark, shouting for mercy for our beloved "father" of comedy or more of the devious and cunning Lord Petyr Baelish who smirks in approval but dare not show outright enthusiasm for the proceedings? One thing is for sure, there is a riot happening here but not like you'd find in Baltimore, no, Hollywood Handbook is a laugh riot and both Sean and Hayes are the riot guards pepper spraying us with jokes and jests. As an added treat, there is a special cameo by the famous improv comedy troupe, Wild Horses and these mares certainly don't mar the show but rather add more! Like any good podcast, I was entertained and left wanting more like I was a child leaving the buffet after only one plate.

     

    Hollywood Handbook: A+

     

    reviewed by Joe McGurl

    Submitted for approval by the A.V. Club Podmass

    • Like 26
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