pukebreath

A wise man once said: Don't brag about how much poop got on your hand the last time you wiped your butt.

Take your time and wipe your butt thoroughly or you'll get dem doo-doo stains.

If it smells like pee and tastes like pee and talks like pee and pees like pee, it's probably a booger.

You put your right leg in, you take your right leg out, you put your left leg in and just leave it there! Stop moving your left leg or the bomb will explode! - Hokey Pokey the Movie coming in 2021

Everyone knows you shouldn't wash your dirty underwear in public, but do they know you shouldn't squash your flirty cum and stairs in pubic hair?

1, 2, buckle my shoe. 3, 4, I said to buckle my fucking shoe! No more counting until my shoes are properly buckled, you fucks!

Sorry, mom. I can't talk right now. Matlock is coming on and I'm in the middle of having sex with my wife. Yes, we're doing it doggy style. Bye, mom.

Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime, teach a man to fish around in your underwear and he might jack you off.

Wakey wakey eggs and bakey, let's go down to the old saw mill and smash glass bottles.

My dad has huge hairy balls.

Dance dance revolution around my pants pants full of turds.

Does your dog bite? I was just asking to be nice because I don't give a shit if I get bit by a dog.

Pardon me, do you have any grey poop on? No? How about some tan pee off?

Don't be rude and move my booze or I'll be forced to screw my shoes.

There's a party in my pants and everyone is invited. Alright, even you pubic lice, but you gotta stay in my butt hair.

Touch my butt and give me a tickle. I like to practice giving blowjobs by sucking on a pickle.

Don't touch my hamsters penis. He's been sleeping with a ton of whores.

I've been living in Korea for the past 3 years and any Korean entertainer who acts goofy (all of them) are considered comedians. None of them are funny unless you think grown men giggling at each other is funny then you'd think they're all hilarious.

That was funny as fuck. I'm not kidding.

I completely agree with Jeff about celebrity chefs. It's sooo terrible when a famous chef wants to talk to me while I'm eating really really expensive food. I can't even count how many times this has happened to me. I also hate when the doorman says "hello" to me. Just open the door and leave me alone. Don't even get me started on orphans either. Get some parents already.* *sarcasm