Dear DALTON WILCOX,
Thank you very much for starting this thread. It has allowed my staff, after months of searching, to finally locate you. Please be advised that donations to the Peabody Institute Library of Danvers must be submitted to our Collection Development Committee and not just placed on a shelf in a self-made display. While we appreciate donations, please understand that this library is a classy joint and we cannot just let any riffraff in.
Upon further review of the donated text, our Collection Development Committee has decided that you, Dalton Wilcox, are no authorial riffraff and would welcome this donation. Limping Joe, the Vice Chair of the Committee, was particularly impressed with the recipes as beans form a foundation of his diet since the shelter done burned down. While attempts to follow the bolo tie instructions did lead to at least one hospital visit, the Committee did not feel this detracted from the book’s value as Jesse Walleye Perkins had it coming.
Additionally, based on the scribblings on the pizza box that serves as the Committee’s official meeting minutes, it appears that there is some interest in inviting you to speak to library patrons. Can this be arranged through your agent? We can guarantee an audience of at least a dozen people round back by the dumpster and fully catered by the same. Talks usually last roughly forty-five minutes but can go longer, weather depending. Any subject you wish to discuss would be welcome, but the Committee indicted the most interest in a poetry workshop, instructions for ‘prairie love,’ and monster identification. You would be welcome to bring additional copies of your work for sale or barter.
Please let me know if this is possible. In any case, please be advised that the following books are long overdue and must be returned as soon as possible.
Yes, You Can! A Guide to International Waters by Dr. Lehman Brown
The Malleus Maleficarum, Maleficas, & earum hæresim, ut phramea potentissima conterens by Heinrich Kramer
Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
Thank you for your time,
Head of Circulation
Peabody Institute Library of Danvers