JustinH.Thompson

I went to college in a small town in Southeast Ohio and lived near a man named TINKER RUDDER. I wanted him to open a boat repair shop so bad. Until I found out he was a sex offender.

WHAT? There is now way that's Tara Reid's arm. She gets her hand eaten barely past her wrist. The arm in the shark's mouth goes to the elbow. Also, how the hell could that shark continue to stay aloft for days? This movie. Was. Insane.

You have to think that Sappity Tappity is the front runner when HOLLYWOOD finally decides to make a Giving Tree movie.

Um. http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WHyZp66o3Ug/T9dD1U3Ns0I/AAAAAAAADfs/KmrcTCq1Mtg/s1600/Kevin.jpg

THE WOLF GOT THE RIFLE. OH MY GOD.

You know what I find mysterious? That June CONTINUES TO BE MIA. Are we not going to try to find her? What. Is. Happening?

Are we putting a posse together to go find that woman?

I love that Emily was the guest host. It reminds me that I'm waiting for an old-school Battle of the Network Stars special between Earwolf and Nerdist. Make it happen!

And I almost forgot: when Peter and Laura Linney (don't remember her character's name) are awoken by the sound of horny gorillas, Ernie Hudson tells them "When there's a moon like that, every monkey for 200 miles thinks he's Elvis Presley." Hey guess what, Ernie Hudson: EVERYONE can see a FULL MOON. I mean, why are you making a comment on distance? The full moon is not localized over your tiny camp, you weirdo. Also, please write a spinoff for Ernie Hudson.

Here's where the movie lost me: when Peter is confronted by the male gorilla and Ernie Hudson (as black, seemingly British Indiana Jones) tells him not to run or make eye contact, Peter responds with "Yeah, I've read the books." Um. What books, Peter? The books you wrote ... since you're a gorilla expert? What are you talking about Dr. Peter? You've obviously spent nearly 10 years in grad school studying primates, just to move to a post-doctoral fellowship where you teach an ape sign language. And, yet, when confronted by a gorilla in the wild -- WHERE YOU MUST HAVE BEEN AT SOME POINT -- you act like you read this in a travel movie. Ugh. Terrible.

There are A LOT of problems with this movie, but let me just start with the title: Glimmer Man. As Brian Cox tells us (while he awkwardly swims with his villain pal), he was the Glimmer Man because when he murdered people in Viet Nam, they would see nothing and then just a glimmer ... before they died. Um. How do we know this? If it's the last thing that someone saw before they die, how are they communicating this? Are they live-tweeting their assassination? Is Seagal doing some Buddhist mind reading? Does the horrible device from Wild Wild West exist in this world? What the f?

I'm excited for the potential sequel. My idea: Lobstercane -- a hurricane full of angry lobsters set in a small New England town.