chanson

Because for whatever reason this was necessary... You'll also notice Flappy Bird features prominently in the background.

This forum has gotten extremely personal. Holy Shit. Unless we're just prudes here and talking about one's fertility is commonplace elsewhere. I don't really know. Anyway, been watching the new Real World, it's awesome. End of story.

Apparently you don't get a new car from your insurance company when you light your old one on fire... The more you know... Also, Flappy Bird is my third cousin, so shut your mouth. (My mom's side has a little hawk in the family... It's a family secret.) He worked hard to get that job.

Also, a little team called the MOTHERFUCKING SEATTLE SEAHAWKS won the super bowl. FUCK YEAHHHH!!!! I really want to light something on fire now!

Seattle story: So I was taking the ferry (yeah, that's normal to me nbd) to see my dad, who lives on an island, and I saw this. I thought you guys would enjoy it because we're all such big sports heads and because you guys love Seattle shit. It's interesting and notable because the ferry isn't usually named the M/V Max Unger... Just in case that needed explaining. Also, this happened: And apparently this happened: ...Apparently people are way into this Super Bowl thing. Fuck yeah! SEAHAWKS! You're welcome you little shits.

Lemorne, Who's that girl? Actually, I already know. It's Jess. Also, do you think that Sean being 1/8th Native American makes him less of a racist than Hayes? How much less? Express your answer as a percentage. Another thing, do you like being in small movies or is there never enough popcorn for your taste? Do you think Ukraine should cozy up to the warmth of the great bear that is Mother Russia (and her cheap natural gas which literally provides the heat for the punishing Ukrainian winter) or should they cozy up to the European Union so that they can get in on paying subsidies to France for their inefficient and backward agricultural sector while the nation's educated and wealthy move to more prosperous corners of Europe and leave Ukraine to languish forever in darkness (and cold because Russia will shut off the gas to send a political message)? Lastly, seeing as you work in Hollywood, who's your favorite jew/jewess? [after response] Why don't you like all of them?

Ummmm not even a fucking spoiler alert? Some people might have wanted to hear how fucking light and fluffy the 10" inches of pow was today before they heard that I totally crushed it. Or how I saw two elk by the side of the road on my drive through Washington's scenic Mt. Baker-Snoqualmie National Forest. Or how Creamy Creamy Oooh Creamy was playing in the day lodge but everyone in there was sucky fucking and I didn't even get to see the money shot because people don't even go skiing to see the movies anymore. Or how I'm planning on getting shitfaced during the Super Bowl so that if the Seahawks lose I won't even know or be forced to realize that every Seattle sports team will at some point let me down if I care about them and I should continue not caring like I have done ever since the Mariners fucked me over. But I guess that's not important to you. All you care about is the sucky fucking like all the rest of those so-called skiers. Good day to you, sir.

PS - shredded some serious pow and dialed the gnar way the fuck up today. I did it in honor of my fellow sports bros here on the forums. You guys put the amp in my stoke. It's currently snowing heavily and my prediction for tomorrow is another heavy pow day, so get ready to open the kennel and take off the muzzle because this pow-hound is gonna shit all over Crystal Mountain's pow carpet tomorrow. Later bros.

One correction, and it's an important one which is why I'm interrupting my mid-week ski vacation (true story) to post here. I'm not rich because I listen to the show. I was already a man of considerable leisure with his name on his license plate before listening. I was just attracted to people who are also filled with a sour contempt for the majority of the other human beings on the planet as well as a deep love of reality shows. Otherwise, spot on. You, in addition to Erika Thompson who has publicly stated as much, have undoubtedly noticed I post on this board constantly. If we don't amuse or horrify Sean Hayes they might start another podcast and give up on this one, which would probably lead to the suicide of TJ Lavin, the patron saint of this podcast.

Freja (Or as I like to say, Froyo, because of that time we did sports together. Remember? Because we're actual friends and have nicknames. Because of the sports we do.) and HugLife (or as I like to say, Hug "Bobby Brown... the skier, not because you're black, but because you're a good skier in this scenario, like Bobby Brown, probably shoulda used Gus Kenworthy, but I digress, Bobby Brown is a better aerialist and therefore more impressive, so a higher compliment, but easily misconstrued" Life, again, because we do sports and are real sports friends), Hoping for a pow day! Can't wait to tell you how gnar it is up there and how much shredding I will have done by that time!

Snowboarding? What is this? 1997? Anyway, I'm going skiing tomorrow and Thursday. I'll let you know if I see any movies worth fucking. That's how it works, right?

I really love some of the comments on SoundCloud for this episode by the way. It's like some of them don't even get post-metaphysical neo-modernist counter-anti-ironic comedic theory or something... Hello it's 2014, sincerity is dead again... duh. They need to go back to grad school or something because this is some basic ass shit.

Funny thing about Seattle's Best, there are wild rabbits behind their old roastery on Vashon Island, where my Mom grew up and my Dad now lives... Good Times. Anyway, like I told you, I have modeled my life after 2002 Christina Aguilera. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xMWrKhLJq4

Yo! Surprise Surprise! I was watching It's Grace featuring Grace Helbig on the Youtube and who did I see? None other than Sean and Hayes! She seemed very mean-spirited about the whole thing, but it was nice of her to give a shout out to Engineer Sam. Maybe that will teach him to not lie about his motorcycle next time. Unless he doesn't want to meet more cutting-edge guests like Grace Helbig. Anyway, give it a watch and a like to show her some Hollywood Handjob-style lovin'. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wy4_y49Ftw4 PS - No homo, but Engineer Sam's voice: Sploosh.

So, I got to thinking, and I know I'm gonna have to fight you guys on these, but I have some other people I would love to see on the show. Jason Mantzoukas Jenny Slate Bo Burnham Nick Kroll Jesse Thorn Jimmy Carr - That might not be as easy as the others... I don't know. You guys are big shots. Just throw your dicks around. That's my list for now. Again, Grace was awesome. Maybe a little confused. But awesome. PS - Anyone else you guys think should be on the show? There's got to be other people right?

I'm also quite vain. Maybe verging on conceited. I also have elitist tendencies. Sometimes I don't listen to other people when they're talking. I rarely take the advice of others into consideration when it comes to my own actions. I'm easily distracted. I don't like onions or mushrooms. I like to be in control. I am quick to judge people on their actions. I'm excessively stubborn. I don't have enough faith in myself. I overthink things oftentimes. Those are some of my other flaws. That said, this mean-spirited jab is going to cause a lot of soul-searching. I thought this was supposed to be a comedy podcast. Not a therapy podcast.

Grace Helbig was fantastic! I'm kinda upset that Grace, who has clearly been reading past topics on the forums, still believes that I am you guys. Very disappointing. PS - I don't think I'm mean-spirited. I'm just intolerant and impatient. It's different.

Is that why Sherman went crazy? He probably thought you were taunting him. Oh well. A win's a win.

Public Service Announcement: SEAHAWKS!!!!!!!!!! That is all.

PS - I look back at my past self and I am forced to question my commitment and devotion to Sean, Hayes and their endeavors. I was a shitty person back then. That's why I didn't call in to RsS. I'm way better now though. I apologize for my lack of character in the past. Please forgive me.

No, I never did. I regret that now. If the call-in thing came back I would do it now though.

Those phone-in live episodes of RsS were the best. I think those were what really created the Sean and Hayes duopoly on my comedic sensibilities. So many good jokes came from there... I feel like that needs to come back for Hollywood Handjobs. That would make me really happy. PS - I am also happy that Grace Helbig is gonna be on the show. I remember suggesting that. I wasn't sure that they would actually do it. It's quite possible this is a coincidence, too. However, I'm still happy that she's gonna be on the show. PPS - sometimes I get sentimental when I drink. GO SEAHAWKS!!!!!!!

1. License plates with your name on them. Super great or extra super great? 2. Is YouTube like being in small movies or is it like being in real movies or is it not as good as both? 3. Fuck, marry, kill: Sean, Hayes, Engineer Brett. 4. What drugs should I be doing this season? 5. Syrian refugees, hot or not? 6. Your thoughts on the new Real World?

Astrovan mafia!

That's the most times I've seen someone use jujitsu as a verb.