chanson

No, when you spend the big bucks, you can get your weird conservative agenda to be shoehorned into just about anything. For the record, I have nothing against gay humans getting married. It's the aliens trying to marry other aliens that I believe is an abomination. If they want to get married, then they can find a human or a cat or a dog or some other earth creature to marry like everyone else. You know, how God intended it.

I am not even going to bother listening to this episode. I put my full support behind everything said and/or done on this episode and wholeheartedly endorse anything that it contains. Even gay aliens. Another Great Episode!

I wonder if anyone else has discovered this newfound source of irony surrounding his otherwise completely unironic death?

Just because they're from another country doesn't mean you get to demean them with the term 'alien.' Immigrants deserve respect, too. Unless they're from another planet. Then they need to stay away from my children and keep their gay agenda out of our schools. #GayAgenda

As long as they don't try to marry other aliens... Marriage is between an earthling and another earthling.

Pancakes don't have to worry about the consequences of encountering gay aliens.

Obviously just the lamestream media and their gay agenda. I come to this forum for real journalism but I'm gonna start looking elsewhere if this is what we're passing off as hard-hitting journalism. I mean, he's right. But still, it's the principle of the matter. Also, I really wanna know what your picture means OcterDoctopus. I get that it's an astroman but I don't understand why his head isn't a head. I want answers!

I'm kinda drunk and this forum makes me anxious. Brudrulz, you're my hero for being able to navigate this forum while inebriated. It is proving more challenging than i expected. Love you, bye. @Asteck I don't believe you. PS - OcterDoctopus, I don't understand your profile picture. Please explain it to me.

I think Hayes needs to come up with something more catchy if he wants to compete with "B!YJB Seannihilated." He should really up his game if he wants to continue being taken seriously in Hollywoodland.

I like it when you drink. I was thinking to myself the other day, I haven't seen a good post from Burdrulz in at least a week. He needs to stop being so goddamn selfish and give up this self-improvement sobriety bullshit. Thanks for thinking about someone other than yourself. PS - Asteck, I didn't think you were Lucas Holmes, but now I do and it's really starting to fuck with my head. PPS - Does anyone else think that Hayes often says "you've been Hayesed" after making a mean joke?

huglife, Your legs look suspiciously like Donald Glover's. Also, that turkey is clearly already dead and stuffed. Hayes is definitely a pilgrim though, so your story checks out.

Happy TANKSgiving, nerds. PS - Freja, sorry your family didn't get in on the free real estate across the Atlantic... Maybe next time they discover a continent you'll be more proactive about it and have something to be thankful for. Advice: bring blankets with smallpox on them. #'Merica #FreedomIsntFree #NeverForget

Valerie Bryant, No to Zelda and Mario. Not a vegetarian. My Mom isn't dead but I don't buy her things. I didn't ask to be born, so she needs to stop acting like she did me some sort of favor by giving birth to me. No blog. This is my kitty kat, Dreidel: She meows funny. She loves Gelmania but isn't a huge fan of Hollywood Handjobs. She misses the Reality show SHOW. She is a lapsed Jew but still makes us leave a seat open for Elijah during Passover. It's awkward because I don't think she understands we aren't Jewish. How should I tell her? Bill Russell Crowe, I am definitely not not Hayes and/or Sean. Wait, no. Yeah. Fuck. Sent from my iPhone. PS - I can vouch for Toby Keith Sweat as well, he's Miley Cyrus. PPS - I can also vouch for Erika Thompson, she's too alt to be like anyone else. PPPS - Also, your logic is flawed. if it was just you, it wouldn't be all of us with several accounts. That would be impossible. You're welcome.

Toby Keith Sweat doesn't need a "C)" because he's just about that kind of lifestyle. If you have to ask what kind of lifestyle then you obviously wouldn't understand. The only help I can give you is this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrUvu1mlWco You're Welcome. PS - Another thing about Toby Keith Sweat: He runs things, they don't run he. Just in case anyone was wondering. PPS - Toby Keith Sweat is also Miley Cyrus. In case that wasn't already super obvious.

Sean and Hayes are my real dads!

Yeah, I wrote a fat check to Hayes and Sean so that they would mention me on the show and then 20Gs for every mention in subsequent episodes. I also hooked them up with my crystal meth supplier. What's the fucking deal? I scratch their back they give me a Hollywood Handjob. Quid Pro Quo. It's business motherfuckers. Also, is Corey Haimsworth in the band HAIM?

Well, now I feel like an asshole. Name pronounced correctly. Damien Fahey making my dream of beating those goddamn Goo Goo Dolls with their Fucking "Iris" to #1 on TRL. Just when I was about to lose hope, it turns out that Hayes and Sean really are those two chilled out bros from the RSS days. I guess I got fooled by the rocks that they got but it turns out they're still they're still Hayes and Sean from the block. Just way more famous and super rich and successful. At least they didn't let it change them like that J.Lo. Love You Guys! Also, turns out I do know who Damien Fahey is.

I said "Love You, Bye." at the end. That demonstrates that I was being mean in a fun, playful way. So it wasn't rude at all. If anything it was constructive and I should be thanked for my candor. Fuckers. Also, I'm tired of Sean and Hayes making us do all the work for them. I mean, shit, we listen to their podcast and they just sit in their giant ivory podcasting towers and throw crumbs at us when we look hungry... Something proletarian and revolutionary goes here (preferably something demonstrating both a poor understanding of and an unrealistic enthusiasm for Marxist theory).

Damien, I don't know who you are. I thought about looking you up, but I realized that I'm not the fucking host of this podcast, so that's not my fucking job and I'm insulted that anyone would insist that it is my job. (With the exception of the people who believe that I am both Hayes and Sean, then it would be my job... so yeah.) With that in mind, please explain why you're qualified to be a guest on this podcast. Also, please explain how you know Sean and/or Hayes. In other words, tell us about what it was like to work with Sean and/or Hayes because apparently that's what qualifies people to be on this podcast. (Coincidence? I think not.) I'd also like to know who gives the best Hollywood Handjob. Hayes or Sean? I assume that's how they compensate people for being on their show... Although, that theory would break down with Ellie Kemper... Unless (ScoopTroop!) she has a secret... Otherwise (and we all know it's true), they've been really lucky to get the guests that they have so far. Love You, Bye.

Jokes are usually better when they're explained. I learned that from listening to Sean and Hayes. Otherwise I wouldn't get what the hell they were on about most of the time. Their jokes are just so edgy and smart. I'm so dumb sometimes. In fact, from what Sean and Hayes have taught me, I think that if you don't have to explain your jokes to people then they really aren't very good because they're too mainstream. Your comedy should demonstrate your superiority to the audience and then you can explain the jokes to them afterwards so that they can feel like they're actually part of your world, which they aren't. Because, let's be real, how could they be? They don't sell real art at Wal-Mart or teach it in public schools. You don't have time to experience art or understand it if you're working 9-5 at a desk like some corporate slave. You have to be traveling the world, trying new things, being yourself, protesting against Monsanto, eating organic, gluten-free, non-gmo foods. If you want to understand art you have to turn off your tv, stop watching ESPN and scratching your balls and live life. A real artist has contempt for their audience, I think. Otherwise it's not art, it's just business. And art is definitely not business. Not real art anyway. Also, you don't want your comedy to be too accessible or commercially viable because then you'd be a sellout and you wouldn't be staying true to your art form. Someone like Erika Thompson should get it, because she's alt and gets that kind of stuff. But normal flyover people from places that aren't LA, Austin, Portland, or certain neighborhoods of Manhattan and Brooklyn shouldn't get it and will need an explanation. But they probably still won't get it because they're too busy voting Republican and watching Fox News... Another little joke I came up with about the mainstream; you can call them the lamestream... You know, because they're dumb and not as good as us creative types.

I'm having a Greek Thanksgiving and senselessly murdering some Turks. With my family of course. ...It's funny because Greeks hate the Turks, who are from Turkey, and we kill turkeys to eat on Thanksgiving. You get it. Nothing gets me into the holiday spirit more than a good joke about the oppression of the Greeks under Ottoman rule. You should hear my festive jokes about Japanese occupation and war crimes committed in Manchuria during the Second World War. Really gets me into the Easter spirit.

Yeah, she did that to me too, Erika... Such a fraud. She didn't even know that I post constantly. Like, what the fuck? I wanted to be like "bitch, that's my thing. Just read the damn forums." They didn't teach you to read forums at Princeton, Ellie Kemper? PS - I think it's safe to say that you are alt. You don't have to just think of yourself as alt. You've successfully transformed into it by now I think.

PS - Secret about Zeppelins (Scoop Troop get out your notebooks): full of hydrogen. Thanks Obama.

Sean Clements, exercising his 2nd Amendment right to keep and bear arms. All I have to say about it is lookin' good bro. No homo.

July Diaz, you tease.