chanson

Too Scary

...Is it bad that I don't have a Nerdz Rope coming out of the bottom of my torso? Is that something I should get looked at by a doctor? ...I always thought when guys were hitting on chicks and they said "wanna suck on my Nerdz Rope?" or when they were discussing their sexual exploits and they said "yeah, she even sucked on my Nerdz Rope" that it was just a euphemism. Now I'm not so sure. For the record, I am the proud owner of a 1989 penis. But if I should have a Nerdz Rope... Geez. I guess this explains the blank stares and the laughing that I get from girls when I take my clothes off. They should really explain this stuff in sex ed or some shit. This show is always an education. Also, Adam Pally is charming and delightful.

Overall, this week's forum participation and the creativity of said participation has been very underwhelming. I'm very disappointed in all of you. You should be ashamed of yourselves. That is all.

Oh shit, you went as The Narnold? Why didn't I think of that?

I went as the Hollywood Handjob.

I managed to get Sean and Hayes for my fantasy Hollywood insider league team this season. I'm gonna destroy my lame ass friends this year. ...I also drafted Kanye West because you should always bring a cruise missile to a gun fight.

Every time someone says this a terrorist gets its wings and a baby bald eagle dies.

That's some Hollywood insider shit right there.

No. Too Scary. Actually though, don't like Halloween. Also, Halloween isn't very big here in Seattle because everyone's super religious and uptight about that stuff.

just. be. truth. words to live by from dong lover.

I... We know this may be unpopular for me... us to say but if I... we am... are Hayes and Sean then their... our comedic standards vis-a-vis this account have really been lazy and unimaginative, not to mention pedantic and overthought, compared to their... our usual happy-go-lucky, but still very intelligent, witty and cynical bullshit. Also, why would your... our fake account have a very strong, psychologically unhealthy attachment to his... its(?) alleged home city of Seattle, Washington? (It is the best place ever but it's still a little weird.) Another question, who's the creeper with the beard? Love You, Byeeeeeeeeeeeeee! PS - Does this get me out of donating? Because I allegedly don't exist. I'm specifically referring to the guilt of not donating since I have no funds with which to donate, so donating is purely a rhetorical construct meant to facilitate the asking of this question. Should I feel guilty? I'm trying this new thing that I learned from my short stint as CEO of Monsanto whereby we simply outsource all moral decision making to a third party for liability reasons. I'm writing a book about it called Outsourcing Morality: How Corporate America is Screwing You and Everyone You Love. In the Ass. Doggystyle. It's a working title. Check out my kickstarter!

I'm a construct so I can't call anyone...

His silence is conspicuous and deafening.

I knew it. I've been telling my therapist that I'm just a construct for months and he just laughs at me... Now I have proof. Also, not being loved makes me a sad panda.

To clarify, I meant being the subject of contempt. However, I also enjoy being contemptful of others but that is less of an erotic experience and more of a hobby that I have turned into a professional skill. I sincerely apologize for any confusion.

I would encourage them to hate us openly as I enjoy being abused verbally. Also, I feel this secret is very poorly kept if it's a secret at all... Also, contempt gets me hard.

So I was reading through the iTunes reviews and noticed one review by a certain Muscles85 that said something about believing the show until Hayesean started mispronouncing names... I was like ummm excuse me but that's how you actually pronounce the names you stupid plebeian twunt. Real insiders know how to pronounce other insiders' names, that's how they distinguish who's an insider from who's a wannabe. I've learned so much from just two episodes... I also just now realized that my Hollywood insider name is pronounced differently than my wannabe name and that Hayes and Sean are really trying to help me by continuously 'mispronouncing' it on the show. Sorry for being so thick headed about that guys, sometimes I can be so dumb it's physically painful.

North Face, t-shirt, jeans and Nike Low Dunks (still fuck Phil Knight) is the best look in the world.

Happy Birthday Valerie Bryant! For this special occasion I'll brag just a little bit: I may have stolen your credit card to sign up for the pro version... In my defense though, it was only so that Bruce Reid Robinson II would think I was cool. Congrats on surviving this long! Love You, Bye. PS - Way to take Sean down a notch!

Hollywood Handjobs

@Bruce Reid Robinson II - I haven't gotten ANY boudoir pics... Although, I did say on Facebook that I was holding out for a subscription to SecretMTV (Formerly VibesTV, a division of MTV Networks) but that was just a ruse. I actually signed up under a false identity with a credit card I 'borrowed,' but am not bragging about, from Valerie Bryant. PS - You've just earned friendo status. Keep it sexy in Oregon. PPS - I think we can both agree, fuck the Ducks. And Phil Knight while we're at it.

PPPS - My Storyhound got hit by a car when I was in eighth grade and we had to have her put down.

PPS - It sounds like workplace violence is common in Hollywood. I'd like to hear more about that. Specifically the "baby spanking" (euphemism?).

Incidentally, if you swim with the stream you'll also get wet. It was really great to hear that Blake, as far as I can tell, forcibly inserted himself into the top of the Hollywood establishment. Good lesson! Unfortunately, people just don't find me sexually threatening, so I probably won't be using it anytime soon. Also, how dare you infer that my local nickel odeon will be supplanted by this newfangled VD technology... If people want a venereal disease they can go out and get one from the corner store or rent one from Blockbuster like the Amish do. I'm really bussin' up about this. Not in a good way. I would also like to hear Hayes give us more synonyms for nebbishy please. Love You, Bye. PS - I don't know about everyone else, but I believe I specifically said that I wouldn't donate because you guys were doing so well and your setup was so corporate and elaborate. You know, Jesse Thorn over at Maximum Fun doesn't seem as slick as you guys which really gives me a millennial authenticity boner.

I just wanna say congrats to Sean and Hayes for their Nobel Peace Prize win! PS - Suck it Organization for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons.