danthebeast

2Pac would be proud. https://t.co/9dUlh0IhFC

Awesome! RT @sfegotist: Save It For The Show http://t.co/QlmfzPASij

Best song about an older man nailing a 19 year old. http://t.co/lgCPdV5TRp

Deep vein thrombosis is the sexiest disease.

Flips! https://t.co/KRw7AGgpK5

For Mother's Day I hope you finally fix that wobbly stair case post for your mom or the creaky stair. Don't let your life be a sitcom.

How many calories are in a cuticle? Asking for a friend.

How's your Saturday? Perhaps listening to me talk about dry humping in high school will make it more enjoyable. http://t.co/xxZV7k6szL

I just hope one day I can love my kids as much as people love Daft Punk.

I mean come on. He won't eat his cereal. Greatest meme of my god damned generation. Great job everyone. Pack it up. Go home.

If someone doesn't help me get to the next level in Candy Crush I might kill myself.

If someone precedes a description of you with "As a person, he's great, but..." then everyone actually really hates you. Great job!

If you need to give a compliment but kind of don't like the person, tell them they're the "cat's ass."

If you'd like to do me a solid, give me a rating/review here, so I can make it to "New & Noteworthy" - http://t.co/GnAm6r5OY5

In case you missed it last week, a fun freestyle @siftshow of listener questions and more. http://t.co/tKrP3u8n7D

Local TV news story says "Teapot or Hitler?" Memes are now news. We're doomed.

Me IRL - http://t.co/BhN4NzBWVu

My kids LOVE singing about heroine!! https://t.co/DgghEpXWcE

My Top 2 #lastfm Artists: Anamanaguchi (6) & Pelican (3) http://t.co/t6iZ13h5uu

My Top 3 #lastfm Artists: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club (18), Daft Punk (9) & C418 (5) http://t.co/t6iZ13h5uu

New @siftshow! Eddie’s granny gets pistol whipped, high school dance nookie, hiding boners, dry humping & @SportClips http://t.co/xxZV7k6szL

New show! Dirty college living, saying terrible things in front of kids, @amandabynes, calling someone “boss” & more. http://t.co/PPGp7AD5Cq

Next you're going to tell me the creator of .swf hates calling them "Swiffs."

No one wants to go to your kid's party unless it's a drop off.

People who say "Put a broom up my ass & I'll sweep the floor" secretly just want a broom up their ass.