danthebeast

For Mother's Day I hope you finally fix that wobbly stair case post for your mom or the creaky stair. Don't let your life be a sitcom.

Trying to understand how people think a woman electing to have her breasts removed to ward off cancer is anything but amazing.

In case you missed it last week, a fun freestyle @siftshow of listener questions and more. http://t.co/tKrP3u8n7D

I mean come on. He won't eat his cereal. Greatest meme of my god damned generation. Great job everyone. Pack it up. Go home.

Deep vein thrombosis is the sexiest disease.

The new songs and accompanying animations for the new QOTSA album are fantastic. I guess this is my Daft Punk. http://t.co/H7dmtvvqX0

Wow, stop the presses. "A Facebook page you like, "Bud Light Lime", is changing its name to "Bud Light" on May 29."

New @siftshow! Eddie’s granny gets pistol whipped, high school dance nookie, hiding boners, dry humping & @SportClips http://t.co/xxZV7k6szL

Turns out The Office was just a dream from Comet the dog in Full House. Whodathunkit.

Best song about an older man nailing a 19 year old. http://t.co/lgCPdV5TRp

My Top 2 #lastfm Artists: Anamanaguchi (6) & Pelican (3) http://t.co/t6iZ13h5uu

If someone precedes a description of you with "As a person, he's great, but..." then everyone actually really hates you. Great job!

No one wants to go to your kid's party unless it's a drop off.

How's your Saturday? Perhaps listening to me talk about dry humping in high school will make it more enjoyable. http://t.co/xxZV7k6szL

If someone doesn't help me get to the next level in Candy Crush I might kill myself.

2Pac would be proud. https://t.co/9dUlh0IhFC

Yahoo's first order of business is remaining it Tumbler.

The same people who threatened to delete their Instagram after the privacy stuff are now threatening to delete their Tumblr. Please do.

How many calories are in a cuticle? Asking for a friend.

I just hope one day I can love my kids as much as people love Daft Punk.

You just know that the dog is going to die in Call of Duty.

Me IRL - http://t.co/BhN4NzBWVu

Perfect time to start pretending to like hockey and the @SanJoseSharks. Hope they get lots of scores and checks.

Next you're going to tell me the creator of .swf hates calling them "Swiffs."

If you need to give a compliment but kind of don't like the person, tell them they're the "cat's ass."