SteveH

They have those signs in my neighborhood. My only thought was it should be "Drive Like YOUR Kids Live Here". They should have consulted me first.

Mean detective season 2 starts in 10 east coast

I'm about a year late on this, but I just watched whiplash starring jk rowlings and Miley teller. What a movie! And the drumming!

...continued INT: SCOTT AUKERMAN'S OFFICE SEAN Something doesn't smell right about this Scott, the killer is clearly eating his victims, which is too scary, but what's scarier is that Hayes didn't seem like himself when we inspected the crime scene. SCOTT How so? SEAN I would have expected someone as brilliant and nice and funny as Hayes to have figured this out, or at least had some input, but he had nothing. I know this might sound crazy cobonkos nuts, but I just have a feeling Hayes is involved in this somehow. SCOTT Hayes a cannibal? I've heard of Hannibal Lechter, but Hayes Davenport? You're off your rocker Sean. Maybe I've been working you too hard. Take some time off. Just relax in your sick basement apartment, or go shred the mountain or something. SEAN How can I shred the mountain at a time like this? SCOTT Heynong man, you'll shred the mountain if you know what's good for you. SEAN Yes, sir... CUT TO INT: HAYES' MANSION Hayes and Sean sit across from one another at an exquisitely set candlelit table. Sean picks at his food, trying to eat only vegetables. HAYES Is the meal not to your liking? SEAN No, it's good. I've just been juicing a lot lately. I did a big juice before I got here, so I'm just a little full. HAYES That's OK, buddy. You don't have to force-feed yourself just to be polite in front of me. We're best friends! SEAN That's right Hayes. We are best friends. And best friends tell each other everything, right? HAYES Of course. SEAN Hayes are you killing Earwolf podcast hosts and eating their body parts? HAYES What? No! That's... I can't lie to you Sean. Yeah, I killed and ate all those people. SEAN GRABS A KNIFE FROM THE TABLE AND LUNGES AT HAYES. HAYES, LARGE AND ATHLETIC AS HE IS, DODGES SEAN, GRABS THE KNIFE AND DOES A BIG PUNCH. HE GETS BEHIND SEAN, HOLDING THE KNIFE TO HIS NECK, THEIR FACES TOUCHING. SEAN How could you do this Hayes? HAYES I did it for you, Sean! I did it for you! SEAN What? HAYES Do you remember when we worked together on Alvin Gregory and all those writers got laid off? What do you think happened to them? They were going to lay us off Sean. Unless they could free up money in the budget. Do you remember when that other guy who auditioned for that part in Parks and Rec didn't show up for his call back? SEAN Hayes. No. That was you? Why? HAYES people are blind Sean. Not everyone can see the beauty that I see in you. Comedy needs you. I need you. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes to blaze the trail for you to take over Hollywood. SEAN What about Jeff Garlin? and the apples sisters and whoever else? HAYES Do you remember when we were doing the reality show show together, things were touch and go for a while? SEAN Yes... FLASHBACK: INT: SCOTT AUKERMAN'S OFFICE SCOTT Hayes, I'm sorry, but I just can't justify keeping you guys on. RSS is the lowest rated podcast on the network. HAYES Come on, Scott. We have the most loyal fanbase in the podcast community and you know that. Also, if we can't do the show anymore, I can't see Sean as much. We'll start to drift apart. I can't bear the thought of that. SCOTT Well, I don't know what to tell you Hayes. How can I keep you guys on, but drop another podcast with higher ratings? How would I explain that? To be honest, we've got a few podcasts on the chopping block, which makes it even worse. I can't cancel 5 podcasts with more downloads than RSS, but keep you guys. Honestly, the thought of it makes me sick. Stupid Jeff Ullrich is making me break the news to them myself because he says he's "tired of being the bad guy" HAYES What if the situation took care of itself? What if all those other podcasts came to a 'natural' conclusion AND me and Hayes could stand on the air? SCOTT How would that happen? HAYES The less you know, the better. SCOTT I see. Go for it. HAYES Thank you, Scott. One condition: Sean and I keep our podcast on Earwolf, but we change it. We can't watch all the reality TV anymore. We just want to come in completely unprepared and say whatever comes to our minds for an hour and then go home, like everyone else. SCOTT Deal. BACK TO PRESENT TIME - INT: HAYES' HOUSE HAYES So you see, Sean. It was all for you. SEAN I...I... don't know what to say... HAYES Don't say anything. Just get over here and give me a big, wet kissy (music swells) HAYES AND SEAN EMBRACE AND DO A REAL BIG KISSY. SEAN TAKES A BIG PIECE OF HUMAN FLESH OFF THE TABLE AND EATS IT. THEY EMBRACE AGAIN AND CONTINUE THE KISSY. THEIR LIPS SLICK WITH THE RENDERED FAT OF HUMAN. FADE OUT THE END.

2/16/1942 - 2/16/2009= 67 years. 6+7=13. 13 x 7 = 91 91 = Dennis Rodmans number Dennis Rodman. Kim Jong un and il. Kim Jong ils bday= same day colt Barton met Shaq

February 16, 1942. Kim Jong il is born. 67 years later, Colt Barton met Shaq. 67 + 2=69. Coincidence?

It's Jimmy Carter

Big ups to people of all stars and stripes (Scott, you've been asking for catch phrases all these years, but the true catchphrase was inside of you all this time.)

Attention Colt Barton: Do you know the exact date you met Shaq? I would love to be able to answer the musical question, "Where were you the day Colton Barton met Shaq at a Hooters in Phoenix, Arizoooona."

If anyone is looking to change your username, I have a suggestion: Duke Skelington. That one's on the house.

You guys, I know the forums aren't the place for this kind of stuff but we live in a post-Obama on WTF world now. I just heard that all people who love each other can get married now? Our country is doomed under this president. He talks to Marc Maron, he wants states to not have racist flags flying everywhere, he wants people who are sick to have access to medical care? Pretty soon people aren't going to be able to carry around military grade automatic weapons or even bazookas. Edit: Bazooka for sale. Best offer. Interesting trades considered. Send me a private message if interested.

...continued EXT: UCB THEATER. NIGHT. Yellow police tape blocks off the sidewalk in front of the theater. A crowd of people are gathered - police, forensics, reporters, 2 fans, and also Larry David. Hayes and Sean lift the caution tape to make their way inside and are met by 2 of the forensics experts. SOUPRMAN Dr Davenport! Mr. Clements! You guys got here just in time. LAPD is about to go in there and contaminate the crime scene DIXON You boys have probably seen worse, but it's pretty scary in there. The killer left us a nice GIF...i mean gift. SEAN Scary? There aren't any skelingtons in there, are there? SOUPRMAN No, I mean, technically I guess underneath his skin is a skelington, but you could say that about anyone I guess. SEAN no. HAYES Agent Souprman, a skelington is a bone man. It's a totally different thing. I would expect someone in your profession to know that. SEAN too scary. HAYES You can do this Sean, we need you. There are no skelingtons in there. Just Jeff Garlin's tongueless corpse. SEAN OK, let's see what we've got. CUT TO: INT: UCB THEATRE. Jeff Garlin's corpse is posed, sitting upright, in a chair, center stage, mouth agape, tongue removed. LAPD Detective Andrew approaches. DET. ANDREW Cheerio, lads. I hope you can help shed some light on this case. All of the killings certainly follow ONE THREAD, but this guy just doesn't leave a trace of evidence. Sean approaches the corpse and gazes at it for a few minutes before closing his eyes. We're then taken inside his mind: It's the night of the final "By the Way" taping, unbeknownst to Garlin. After the audience and everyone else has left, Jeff Garlin walks out of his dressing room and sits on the empty stage, reflecting on the amazing interview he'd just done. A shadow appears behind the curtain. A tall, handsome, well-educated, funny, nice shadow. The shadowy figure approaches Garlin from behind. "By the Way", he says, "this was your final show." He injects a syringe into Garlin's neck and proceeds to remove his tongue. SEAN This is my design. Sean spots something underneath Garlin's shoe. A note. "By the Way, I also took his liver" it read. Sean flashes back to the party at Hayes' house the other night. He remembers eating that delicious Foie Gras (how did Hayes even get Foie Gras in California?), and commenting to Hayes on how he'd never tasted Foie Gras like this before. Sean also remembers thinking Hayes' response was strange: "Please curb your enthusiasm, Sean. This Foie Gras is one of kind and you're not likely to have anything like it again" SEAN (turns to Hayes) He's eating them. HAYES Who? Who's eating who? SEAN The killer! He's eating his victims. Think about it. Each victim was missing a particular body part. DET. ANDREW That cheeky old chap... END SCENE

now this guy is really bringing something to the table. Not like that awful Haiku man. Remember him?

...continued INT: Scott Aukerman's office SCOTT: Thanks for getting here so quickly, gentlemen. I know June is a busy month with all those dads and grads. HAYES No problem at all, Mr. Aukerman. I understand the urgency of the situation, especially considering Mr. Clements and I almost met the criteria for the killer's victims ourselves. SEAN HAYES! Don't talk like that. SCOTT: with 2 of the best minds in the field working together on this, I hope we can catch this guy quickly. Which one of you is number 1 on the call sheet by the way? HAYES There really isn't a call sheet for what we do... SEAN AND I ALMOST THINK THAT CALL SHEETS AREN'T NEED ANYMORE. YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THE MODELS ARE CHANGING? ME AND HAYES HATE STATUS AND WE AREN'T CONCERNED WITH THAT KIND OF STUFF.. SCOTT (cuts him off)OK, Sean. Don't get all worked up. I need you focused. Obviously we've identified the link between the victims is they're all people who used to have a podcast on Earwolf, but no longer do. And then of course there's Kevin Pollack, but I think that was just an anomaly. This information stays in this room, but I'm sure you guys know that we've got a lot of dead weight around here. Now I can't cancel any shows because I'd basically be murdering people if I did that. The sooner we catch this guy, the sooner we can get rid of those jabronies at the Wolf Den. I mean, I've heard of Wolf Den, but Wolf Dead? Oh, actually I've heard of that too. Is that a Clue? Did you know in the UK they call is Cluedo? SEAN We hear you, Mr. Aukerman. Hayes and I are just about to go check out the Jeff Garlin crime scene. I'm going to close my eyes and then a pendulum thing will happen and I should be able to imagine myself as being killer and piece together ugxactly what happened. HAYES: Thank you for your time Mr. Aukerman. Are we still on for dinner Friday night? SCOTT: FRIDDAYYY NIGHT LIGHTSSSSS. HAYES: BYEEEEEEE. END SCENE

Hilarious. Do you accept square pay?

somebody please put Hayes' head on Hannibal's body and Sean's head on Will Graham's body please. I can't do this shit. I'll pay you $1.

RED DRAGON-PORT (string quartet plays) INT: A palatial home in Hollywood, CA. An elegant dinner party is underway PARTY GUEST CHANSON You've done it again, Dr. Davenport! I don't know how you're always able to throw these exquisite parties. And the food! I mean, my dad was a boat captain and all, so I know a thing or two about cuisine, but nothing like this. Superb! DR. HAYES DAVENPORT Chanson, you're too kind. The pleasure is mine. CHANSON I have to admit, I feel a little guilty about having such a great time when that Jeopardy contestant that beat, uh...that came in first place on the episode you were on went missing. DR. HAYES DAVENPORT Indeed, it is a shame. I'm glad that I got to have him for dinner before he went missing. He's a very good conversationalist. As a competitor though, I did find him to be a little rude. JOE McGURL makes his way over to join the conversation JOE MCGURL Dr. H! What's up baby! This party is cobonkos nuts my man! These fancy pigs in blankets are da bomb! How 'bout you share your secret ingredients with the #1 handsome boy? DR. HAYES Ah, a chef never reveals his secrets. Besides, some of the ingredients are very hard to come by. (doorbell rings) DR. HAYES Mr. Clements, what an unexpected surprise. A delight! SEAN CLEMENTS what up what up HD! Sorry to crash your party, but I need to talk to you about the case. DR. HAYES Sean, you know I find it quite rude to mix business and pleasure. Please come in and have a drink and something to eat. Enjoy yourself. Later on, we can retire to my study and discuss the case over some brandy and cigars. SEAN I guess you're right Hayes. I do need to wind down a little, it was a long day at the Earwolf office. I'm not really into cigars though. Do you know anything about vape culture? FADE TO: HAYES' STUDY. DR HAYES I apologize, it's a bit messy in here. I've been spending so much time planning this party, I've been neglecting my other obligations. SEAN Don't worry about it bro. Hey, that's a sweet elliptical machine! DR HAYES Yes, I catch up on my TV shows while I use it. I'm not to be disturbed during this time. SEAN Hey, I respect that man. Anyway, we found another body. By the way, the profile and method of killing matches up with our other victims DR HAYES Who is it this time? SEAN Jeff Garlin. DR HAYES He certainly fits the profile. The apple sisters, Elizabeth Laime, Grant Lee-Phillips, Detective Huebel, Owen, TJ...Where did you find the body? SEAN At the UCB theater. He was posed on stage. Sitting upright in a chair. His tongue had been removed. Just like the rest, it was done with surgical precision. By the way, these little shish ka bobs are really good. The meat is pleasantly chewy. What is it? DR HAYES Let's just say it was a particularly chatty animal. SCENE to be continued...

^excellent hundo post

Jakal you're a real man. A ball injury with no painkillers? Probably should have sold them though. If you took that money and let Just Add Pepper invest it for you, you'd be living on Jerry Seinfelds street. You live and you learn.

And after all....

Hey, I signed the petition.

Hollywood Hannibal. Right guys? An insiders guide to kicking butt and cooking brains in the red striped curtained room of this industry we call criminal profiling and psychology.

Can anyone on this forum do anything right? First the haiku SNAFU and now this? Come on!

Ooh I really like the idea of a guy that only posts in Haiku. Disappointing that he fucked it up on the first try. Don't get discouraged Haiku guy. I believe in you!

I finished the episode and it was great. Much laughter was had. Now for a personal story: I was in Target, and almost bought a box of Fruit by the Foot (I had it in my cart) so I could put it on my wrist with a can lid and take a picture and put it on the forums to be a funny guy. Then I thought, "what am I doing with my life? I'm 32 years old." so I put the Fruit by the Foot back. However, I did see this. So as a consolation prize, here you go: