Dale Cooper Black

When shark week meets hump day -- look out!

Tellin' it like it is

Does this doo rag make my ass look big?

With a name like Steve Guttenberg, you'd think he'd have at least one goddamned bible

Yeah, I said it.

Ya Sheened it

Technology, amirite?

No, no, no... That's PIMP Francis

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck. If it smells like fish, it's probably your uncle Percy

I am deeply offended when you refer to me as "butterface." Please use the vegan-friendly term "margarine face" instead

I can't believe I got more face time in the "making of" documentary than I did in the actual series!

Contrary to popular belief, life rarely gives out lemons; can anybody tell me how to make lemonade out of a kick to the balls?

Whew, building this wall between the US and Mexico has made me hot and thirsty. Hey, Kool Aid!

I'm sorry I had to literally shit all over your parade. Sincerely, Underdog

Waitaminute, is he singing COMMITTEE Bang Bang?!

Get a move on, Billy -- those bull testicles aren't going to shave themselves

You'll be relieved to know that this horsemeat is 100% organic

What's up, shot dog (Old Yeller)?

There may be snow on the rooftop, but there are dildoes in the back door

Had I known this was a USED moustache comb, madam, I would never have agreed to your terms!

A devastating tragedy struck Rio de Janeiro today, when beloved anthropomorphic race car Herbie went, quote, "bananas" during the Brazil Grand Primeo

Or perhaps he could share a demure peck with Lorne Michaels -- thus sealing the end of a longstanding grudge.

Naw, I take that back -- If anything, I get TOO MUCH respect

And how do they deal with "crusty fur"?

A clockwork orange is the new black stallion